Anonymous
08/13/2023 19:43
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
I asked the assisted living place to call my brother first. I also blocked my mom's calls and then she eventually stopped calling (she has Alzheimer's and would call constantly). I still visit regularly.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 18:15
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:
I have asked siblings to set up POA, start paying bills etc. I called one doctor and asked that they send the bill to one sibling and they told me they tried to do that but when they called the sibling said they didn't want it. They are too busy.
You need to send them an email explaining that you cannot do this any more and that you are not going to. One of them is going to have to take on bills, and the other medical stuff, of whatever. You will only do things that requires someone to be there.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 18:10
Subject: Re:Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:I was the least favorite and moved far away on purpose. I think you should ask yourself if you are staying close out of obligation, like maybe some part of you thought if you stuck nearby, your family status would shift. I would definitely seriously consider moving. Do not consign yourself to potentially decades of thankless work due to default.
In both my family and my DH's family, we have siblings who stuck close by our parents. However in both cases, these siblings have been doted on and received way more assistance as adults than we'd have even thought to ask for -- free childcare and housing provided for years, in some cases decades, graduate school paid for, free meals, etc. These siblings chose not to create independent lives from our parents. We do feel that they should take on the heavy lifting for long-term care as a result, but it has to do with not just their proximity but the degree to which they have relied upon our parents for most of their adult lives.
I assume you are a gen Xer? Interesting rationale you have for assigning who should take care of aging parents.
I’m wondering how would this apply to people in younger generations (current 20 somethings) who tend to never move out of their parents house, even as adults and are basically still financially dependent on their parents in some way? Should they all take care of their parents when that time comes?
Anonymous
08/13/2023 18:00
Subject: Re:Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Our family is in pretty much the same situation. There are lots of us. Our father died years ago. Our mother was always a PITA. She’s now in her late 80s. She’s still in her own home but probably shouldn’t be. There are only two of us who are local, a sister and a brother. I’m not one of them.
The local brother and my mother never saw eye to eye the entire time he’s been in existence, and he rightfully has very little to do with her. He will not visit. My local sister visits every day, takes her to doctors appointments, listens to her bullshit, etc. My local brother’s wife visits once or twice a week, only because she’s a saint. She doesn’t do it for our mother. She does it for my sister.
My mother also has help come in every day. I pay for the bulk of that because I have the most money. Several of my brothers and sisters who also live far away don’t contribute anything at all, including the ones who were the “favorites” when we were growing up. I never was a favorite and don’t like my mother one bit.
My sister, who is doing the bulk of what the OP would label the “grunt“ work is just resigned to the situation. She has frankly said that part of the reason she doesn’t “put her in a home“ is because she doesn’t feel like visiting her in a “home“ and is too guilt ridden to put her in one and not visit.
Unless OP is ready to get rid of the guilt herself and stop visiting so much, she is just stuck with the situation. The only concrete piece of advice I can give her is to set up automatic payment for her mother for her bills. That’s one less thing for her to worry about.
The local brother and my mother never saw eye to eye the entire time he’s been in existence, and he rightfully has very little to do with her. He will not visit. My local sister visits every day, takes her to doctors appointments, listens to her bullshit, etc. My local brother’s wife visits once or twice a week, only because she’s a saint. She doesn’t do it for our mother. She does it for my sister.
My mother also has help come in every day. I pay for the bulk of that because I have the most money. Several of my brothers and sisters who also live far away don’t contribute anything at all, including the ones who were the “favorites” when we were growing up. I never was a favorite and don’t like my mother one bit.
My sister, who is doing the bulk of what the OP would label the “grunt“ work is just resigned to the situation. She has frankly said that part of the reason she doesn’t “put her in a home“ is because she doesn’t feel like visiting her in a “home“ and is too guilt ridden to put her in one and not visit.
Unless OP is ready to get rid of the guilt herself and stop visiting so much, she is just stuck with the situation. The only concrete piece of advice I can give her is to set up automatic payment for her mother for her bills. That’s one less thing for her to worry about.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:43
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Here’s the thing: your brother and sister may suck, but they do live far away. And more frequent visits are really only going to put a dent in your situation. The bottom line is you got the short straw here and you’re stuck. There’s not much you can do about it.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:41
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
They need to use some of their vacation time to come and deal with your mother. And anything that they can do long distance, they need to handle. So for things that are not time sensitive, keep a list and every month or so you guys should meet on zoom and go over what needs to be done and who’s doing what. You should also keep a list of all the things that you do, so when they push back about spending any of their vacation time, you can make it clear to them that a lot of your own free time is going towards caring for someone who is a shared parent and therefore shared responsibility.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:35
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.
Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!
But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.
You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.
I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.
My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?
How much money do people have?
Is your mom still in charge of her own affairs?
Is it possible to move her to a different ALF, or to memory care or skilled nursing?
Could she qualify for hospice?
If there’s extra money, you and your siblings should hire a care manager to oversee your mom’s care and use paid services to take her to appointments and bring her things. If there was some hope of her leaving you an estate, give up on that hope. All of her resources have to go into paying for care.
Or, move her to a better ALF or other facility that provides more services in-house or a lot more of the transportation to outside services.
Or, give up on getting her services not required by some kind of filial obligation law and basic humanity. Fill painkiller prescriptions, but stop getting her any non-emergency care that’s not somehow required by law. Or, if your mom is still competent, she can pay for the care and arrange for the transportation, but make it clear If possible, put her in hospice.
NP here
What OP is describing doesn't necessarily meet my understand of what hospice is.
What part of hospice do you think would help OP's mother?
+1 Doesn't sound like her mom has a terminal condition.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:25
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.
Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!
But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.
You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.
I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.
My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?
How much money do people have?
Is your mom still in charge of her own affairs?
Is it possible to move her to a different ALF, or to memory care or skilled nursing?
Could she qualify for hospice?
If there’s extra money, you and your siblings should hire a care manager to oversee your mom’s care and use paid services to take her to appointments and bring her things. If there was some hope of her leaving you an estate, give up on that hope. All of her resources have to go into paying for care.
Or, move her to a better ALF or other facility that provides more services in-house or a lot more of the transportation to outside services.
Or, give up on getting her services not required by some kind of filial obligation law and basic humanity. Fill painkiller prescriptions, but stop getting her any non-emergency care that’s not somehow required by law. Or, if your mom is still competent, she can pay for the care and arrange for the transportation, but make it clear If possible, put her in hospice.
NP here
What OP is describing doesn't necessarily meet my understand of what hospice is.
What part of hospice do you think would help OP's mother?
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:24
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can contract out bill paying and hire a case manager to manage her medical stuff. Look into cost and present a choice, either hire these people using mom's money or they can take over.
This. And, while you need to take care of yourself first (just like on an airplane, they say put the oxygen mask on yourself first), also remember that your 3 children are watching and learning from you and they will be making g decisions about your care one day
Amen, PP. Even if you don't care about your elderly relatives, it's important to model good behavior to your kids. It will serve you well when you're older and may need them, and it will make them more compassionate beings.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:19
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can contract out bill paying and hire a case manager to manage her medical stuff. Look into cost and present a choice, either hire these people using mom's money or they can take over.
This. And, while you need to take care of yourself first (just like on an airplane, they say put the oxygen mask on yourself first), also remember that your 3 children are watching and learning from you and they will be making g decisions about your care one day
Sorry, I call BS on this part which is an attempt to guilt-trip people into more. My dad saw his grandparents move in with the family as they aged. He wanted nothing to do with his own aging parents because they made life a living hell by making the grandparents more important than the children. My cousins watched my aunt do herself in just being there for grandma when she was in AL and then a nursing home. She was the scapegoat and hated every second. My mom, the golden child did little. Aunt had a heart attack just while dealing with the bills, mean grandma, etc. Once grandma died, the reward for autnie was a diangosis of cancer that killed her. Her kids made sure not do do much for my uncle because they saw where it leads.
Teach your kids boundaries. You can love grandma and put yourself, your kids and spouse first. It's OK to hire out. Also, better to be a good ancestor than daughter. Your kids will remember how you prioritized parenting. There is a good chance your mom won't appreciate it if you burn out helping her.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:11
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:You can contract out bill paying and hire a case manager to manage her medical stuff. Look into cost and present a choice, either hire these people using mom's money or they can take over.
This. And, while you need to take care of yourself first (just like on an airplane, they say put the oxygen mask on yourself first), also remember that your 3 children are watching and learning from you and they will be making g decisions about your care one day
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:18
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
You can contract out bill paying and hire a case manager to manage her medical stuff. Look into cost and present a choice, either hire these people using mom's money or they can take over.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:06
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:And I forgot to add I no longer want to take her to the numerous doctor, dentist, optometrist, hearing aide visits, lab visits etc.
OP, I took my dad to all those visits. Some of it can be outsourced (they are agencies that you can pay to send someone to accompany your relative to medical appointments) but only to a certain extent. It's just not a matter of driving them there and sitting with them. The companion has to fill out the paperwork, take notes during the appointment, schedule follow-up appointments, make sure the patient follows through with treatments, etc. and review the medical advice with the patient afterwards since they don't always hear/understand everything. It's really hard to outsource all of that. One option is to move your mom into a community that has onsite medical services. My dad was in a continuum of care community that had it all, including set days/times each month when outside medical professionals would hold office hours there. This included a dentist, audiologist, optometrist, dermatology NP, podiatrist, and several other specialities. But that may only take care of some of it. Talk to the staff at your mom's facility and see what can be done in your situation. They are bound to have had residents who have no relatives or whose relatives don't live locally and can't accompany them to all appointments.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:05
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
I have not gotten any benefits. My siblings had their children at younger ages so our mother was able to babysit their kids, take them on trips to Disney, etc. My kids have no memory of their grandmother being all there physically or mentally.
I have asked siblings to set up POA, start paying bills etc. I called one doctor and asked that they send the bill to one sibling and they told me they tried to do that but when they called the sibling said they didn't want it. They are too busy.
So the person who said with a sigh (special place in hell for you) just make a conference call, wave my magic wand and get it set up clearly doesn't understand dealing with an elderly difficult parent with out of town siblings who are in denial. There isn't a lot of money. Hiring someone to do things takes a person to be in charge to hire the person. I don't want to do it and my siblings just delay because they are in denial. Moving to a different facility requires visiting them, convincing her to move, hiring movers, etc. I don't want to do that either as it would suck up so much time and mental effort.
I need strategies of someone who has been through this who has worked their way out of being so involved. My mother could pass away next year or ten years from now.
I have asked siblings to set up POA, start paying bills etc. I called one doctor and asked that they send the bill to one sibling and they told me they tried to do that but when they called the sibling said they didn't want it. They are too busy.
So the person who said with a sigh (special place in hell for you) just make a conference call, wave my magic wand and get it set up clearly doesn't understand dealing with an elderly difficult parent with out of town siblings who are in denial. There isn't a lot of money. Hiring someone to do things takes a person to be in charge to hire the person. I don't want to do it and my siblings just delay because they are in denial. Moving to a different facility requires visiting them, convincing her to move, hiring movers, etc. I don't want to do that either as it would suck up so much time and mental effort.
I need strategies of someone who has been through this who has worked their way out of being so involved. My mother could pass away next year or ten years from now.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:01
Subject: Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.
Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!
But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.
You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.
I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.
My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?
How much money do people have?
Is your mom still in charge of her own affairs?
Is it possible to move her to a different ALF, or to memory care or skilled nursing?
Could she qualify for hospice?
If there’s extra money, you and your siblings should hire a care manager to oversee your mom’s care and use paid services to take her to appointments and bring her things. If there was some hope of her leaving you an estate, give up on that hope. All of her resources have to go into paying for care.
Or, move her to a better ALF or other facility that provides more services in-house or a lot more of the transportation to outside services.
Or, give up on getting her services not required by some kind of filial obligation law and basic humanity. Fill painkiller prescriptions, but stop getting her any non-emergency care that’s not somehow required by law. Or, if your mom is still competent, she can pay for the care and arrange for the transportation, but make it clear That she has to pay for the care and find transportation. If possible, put her in hospice.