Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.

We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same.

But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed.

The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!).

How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it.

Either be happy for her, and play nice - like an adult - or, if you can't those things without being a user or being resentful, it is time to move on. Fairly easy, OP.

Incidentally, why so many buyouts lately? My neighborhood is full of 30 somethings buying their first home, which is big and new.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.

We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same.

But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed.

The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!).

How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it.

Either be happy for her, and play nice - like an adult - or, if you can't those things without being a user or being resentful, it is time to move on. Fairly easy, OP.

Incidentally, why so many buyouts lately? My neighborhood is full of 30 somethings buying their first home, which is big and new.

Anonymous wrote:We are a reasonably well off UMC family. No complaints about our finances or lifestyle.

We are friends with a family who used to be kind of in our ballpark financially, but in the last few years have moved into a much, much higher income bracket. I feel like the family friendship has handled that shift really well -- our kids are still great friends, and when we all get together, our dynamic is pretty much the same.

But when I get together 1:1 with just my fellow mom friend, the dynamic has changed quite a bit and I'm starting to feel a little frustrated. The main thing is that as their income has gone up, it has changed a bunch of stuff about her life and I think there's some anxiety there from all the change. Stuff like joining a country club, taking much more extravagant vacations, shopping for a house upgrade, etc. It all makes sense for their new financial situation but she just talks about this stuff sooooo much. Our conversations have become very one-sided and the stuff she's talking to me about, I can't relate to at all. Like I can see how buying a 10 million dollar house is stressful and huge, but I have a limited amount I can contribute to that conversation. Especially because she's not really in the mood for joking about it -- she's capital S stressed.

The last 3-4x we've hung out, I've listened to her talk at length about financial investments, private schools, real estate, and vacation planning. These conversations are weirdly joyless -- she is essentially complaining but then she'll throw in "I know it's a good problem to have" or "I know how lucky we are." I'm not judging her. I get this transition has been weird. But I have stuff going on in my own life and I'm starting to feel like I'm just there to provide emotional support to her as she struggles with getting super rich. I feel like it's something she she talk to a professional about, and I'd love to get back to more give and take and discussing things that we can both relate to (kids generally, celebrity gossip, health/exercise, books and movies, etc. -- the fun stuff!).

How do I raise this with her? I don't want to come off as resentful (and I really am not, to be honest she is making their sudden wealthy look kind of unappealing) and I don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend. But I also don't want this dynamic to continue because if it does I don't think our friendship will survive it.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes things are best discussed with peers. I will listen to a friend briefly describe her kid’s hockey season, but I am not interested in hour long monologues about different teams and leagues. I’ll listen to someone mention their horse, but I don’t want to know all the details of horse care. I’ll look at a couple of pictures of someone’s Disney vacation, but don’t want a play by play of every day.
She really needs someone in a similar situation to discuss these things with in depth. It sounds really boring and I think I would have to take a break from the friendship if I were you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say “to be honest . . . I find it unappealing” that sounds like you might actually be a wee bit jealous. Whether you realize it or not.

Ask yourself this: if she was bending your ear about stuff NOT related to money that you also couldn’t really relate to, would you feel the same way? If not, then yea it really IS the money.

Op here. And I really mean it when I say that talking to her makes the money seem unappealing. Like talking about the giant house they are going to buy and all the stuff that goes into it (like having a house that basically requires full time staff) sounds unappealing to me. So does a lot of the stress around the very elite privates they are applying to. Talking to her has actually made me appreciate my own life a bit more because it really does sound very stressful.

But to answer your question, yes, if she was going on and on in this same way about like a really specific-to-her work issue (while never really taking time to listen to me talk about my job) or something else non-money related, I would feel the same way. I feel like all we do now is talk about her life. Like I said, I have stuff going on in my life, too. But I feel like it gets short shrift both because she is so anxious and focused on these big changes in her life, and because I think something like me dealing with my kid's special needs or my DH and I managing some issues with my MIL's declining health, don't have the immediacy and largeness of the stuff she is currently worrying about. Basically whenever I share anything about my own life, I feel like it just becomes a jumping off point for her to launch into a monologue about her stuff, and that is the source of my resentment. Not the money.

You can believe me or not.