Anonymous
Post 08/12/2023 01:55     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:My DH was in a truly toxic job that was wrecking his physical and mental health. He stopped exercising, gained 40 pounds, didn’t sleep well, was depressed, we didn’t have sex for months. He didn’t have the capacity to job search in the job so with my encouragement he quit at the end of 2022. He is still unemployed. He is in a high paying highly specialized field so I get that it takes a while, but I also question how hard he is working at it. We have lots of savings but we’re spending quite a bit more every month than I make. We’ve talked about it and it mostly seems to make him more anxious. I don’t know what to do.


It's easy to get trapped in a vicious cycle where you're anxious about a possible outcome (i.e., not getting a job), so you avoid risking that outcome, then your avoidance makes you anxious, so you avoid more, etc etc. It's hard to break out of. Recognizing it, naming the fear helps. Baby steps help. Taking on low-stakes challenges can help.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2023 01:50     Subject: Starting to panic
Maybe read up on "motivational interviewing" and how to encourage behavior change in others.

Would working with a professional development "coach" help? (Therapy would probably be better, but I'm guessing that's off the table.)

Tough situation OP, I feel for you.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2023 00:49     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.

It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.

Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).

Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.


He’s not going to get SSI if OP is working and they have savings to pull from. You have to be very low income to qualify. He is probably insured for the non-needs based disability benefits, but it’s not going to be about whether he can go back to a high paying, stressful job like before but whether he could do any job at all like even assembly line work. There will need to be some fairly significant mental health issues going on to be found disabled.


Why are you talking about SSDI?

1). OP didn’t say he had a mental illness.

2). Don’t most people in the DCUM income tax bracket have private disability insurance?


What? LTD is very expensive, and usually has caps.


I guess. It’s not *that* expensive.
I have always had it. I thought that most people did.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 21:00     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.

Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?


You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.


Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.


"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.


So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?


The use of "coddle" tells us that you really have no understanding of mental illness. And there is no magical, arbitrary deadline you or I or OP can set on how long the DH might be dealing with this. Such extreme hardass answers here from people who (as one PP rightly noted) don't get that mental illness is an illness and situations like OP's are not black-and-white ones with clear solutions and deadlines.


There’s no magical deadline for how long DH will deal with this, but OP can set and communicate a limit to how long she will deal with it.


Classic DCUM: If your spouse isn't perfect they get only X amount of time before you withdraw your love and support and leave them.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 20:59     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.

Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?


You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.


Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.


"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.


So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?


The use of "coddle" tells us that you really have no understanding of mental illness. And there is no magical, arbitrary deadline you or I or OP can set on how long the DH might be dealing with this. Such extreme hardass answers here from people who (as one PP rightly noted) don't get that mental illness is an illness and situations like OP's are not black-and-white ones with clear solutions and deadlines.


Well considering OP doesn’t say he has a mental illness, wtf are you talking about


He has anxiety serious enough to be medicated for it. Call it mental illness or not, it's profoundly affecting his life, job search and marriage.
So WTF are YOU talking about, PP?
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 20:55     Subject: Starting to panic
Glad he is attending to his mental health. Talk therapy might be in order,m.

He either needs to aggressively look for work outside the home or step it up as a full time SAH .

Period
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 20:45     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.

Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?


You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.


Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.


"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.


So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?


The use of "coddle" tells us that you really have no understanding of mental illness. And there is no magical, arbitrary deadline you or I or OP can set on how long the DH might be dealing with this. Such extreme hardass answers here from people who (as one PP rightly noted) don't get that mental illness is an illness and situations like OP's are not black-and-white ones with clear solutions and deadlines.


There’s no magical deadline for how long DH will deal with this, but OP can set and communicate a limit to how long she will deal with it.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 19:32     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.

Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?


You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.


Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.


"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.


So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?


The use of "coddle" tells us that you really have no understanding of mental illness. And there is no magical, arbitrary deadline you or I or OP can set on how long the DH might be dealing with this. Such extreme hardass answers here from people who (as one PP rightly noted) don't get that mental illness is an illness and situations like OP's are not black-and-white ones with clear solutions and deadlines.


Well considering OP doesn’t say he has a mental illness, wtf are you talking about
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 19:31     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would expect that he isn’t going to work again.
Do whatever you need to do to be able to live on your income. You probably need to move to a smaller home or to somewhere you can make more money. Maybe both. Lean in to your own career and give him all SAHP duties. Enjoy!


What a negative, fatalistic post. Of course any couple should be able to get along on one income if necessary but advising OP to move to a new house? Assuming the DH will never work again? You're racing way ahead of where things actually are for OP and the DH. If she just gives up on him like you suggest, he will possibly sink back into anxiety and unhealthy habits, when she notes above that those things have been improving.


Pp here. I don’t see this as negative and fatalistic. I see it as leaning into her own career now that she has a SAH spouse. I mean, who knows when she will have this opportunity again?
I would search far and wide for exactly the job that I wanted and move to wherever that is. I would expect him to be a full on partner.
If he doesn’t want to move because he wants to find his own work, then I would expect him to be more actively looking for work.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 18:37     Subject: Starting to panic
Not contributing is not an option. He needs to either take a job or take on all the SAHP responsibilities, and if he does neither, you need to divorce him as promptly as possible while the income imputed to him will be highest (it will be attributed to willful unemployment vs disability at this point)
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 18:35     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.

It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.

Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).

Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.


He’s not going to get SSI if OP is working and they have savings to pull from. You have to be very low income to qualify. He is probably insured for the non-needs based disability benefits, but it’s not going to be about whether he can go back to a high paying, stressful job like before but whether he could do any job at all like even assembly line work. There will need to be some fairly significant mental health issues going on to be found disabled.


Why are you talking about SSDI?

1). OP didn’t say he had a mental illness.

2). Don’t most people in the DCUM income tax bracket have private disability insurance?


What? LTD is very expensive, and usually has caps.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 17:13     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.

It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.

Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).

Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.


He’s not going to get SSI if OP is working and they have savings to pull from. You have to be very low income to qualify. He is probably insured for the non-needs based disability benefits, but it’s not going to be about whether he can go back to a high paying, stressful job like before but whether he could do any job at all like even assembly line work. There will need to be some fairly significant mental health issues going on to be found disabled.


Why are you talking about SSDI?

1). OP didn’t say he had a mental illness.

2). Don’t most people in the DCUM income tax bracket have private disability insurance?
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 14:15     Subject: Starting to panic
There's a possibility that if he was doing all the SAHP jobs including cleaning the house he might be much more highly motivated to resolve his employment situation.
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 13:13     Subject: Starting to panic
OP here re what the bare minimum means - some combination of not doing it (laundry not at all but he does help fold and put away more often if I start doing it myself; supposed to find new dentist for daughter, after several months and reminders I did it; does zero deep cleaning; other things that just stay on the to do list for months) and not doing it well (haphazardly loads dishwasher, I’m training myself to ignore and not rearrange; pots still visibility dirty after being washed, I sometimes ignore, sometimes do a quick wipe down when he isn’t around).
Anonymous
Post 08/11/2023 12:02     Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.


What is a Baha’i oral plan? Or is that a typo?


Behavioral plan


What a letdown.


Right? I wanted to try the Baha’i oral plan.