Anonymous wrote:Omg this thread is so nasty and bitter. I am married without kids and it is awesome. Like a permanent sleepover with my best friend. No idea how it happened but we are super simpatico and going through life together is actually quite fun. The hard part is the random curveballs that life throws at you—but at least you guys are on the same team and battling them together.

I never lived with anyone (besides roommates) prior to marriage, and while there was a small adjustment period in the very beginning, it is way easier than I thought it was going to be. He is not a “big kid” and we have sex about 4 times a week.

Newlyweds? Lol.

It's bad, and it just gets worse

"So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life"

- and that's marriage

Anonymous wrote:Omg this thread is so nasty and bitter. I am married without kids and it is awesome. Like a permanent sleepover with my best friend. No idea how it happened but we are super simpatico and going through life together is actually quite fun. The hard part is the random curveballs that life throws at you—but at least you guys are on the same team and battling them together.

I never lived with anyone (besides roommates) prior to marriage, and while there was a small adjustment period in the very beginning, it is way easier than I thought it was going to be. He is not a “big kid” and we have sex about 4 times a week.

It is not “nasty and bitter,” it is just reality for many married people. Just because you have a picture perfect marriage with your soulmate does not mean everyone does, so don’t be so smug. People are just trying to be honest with the OP. Marriage is not a fairy tale for most people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 20 years and married for 6. For us, the "work" part of marriage is just weathering the storms together. Probably the most work has been dealing with an awful couple of years of depression on my part -- it took its toll on the relationship. I wasn't a good partner because I couldn't be, and he got exhausted pretty quickly trying to fix something he couldn't fix. You also need to be able to compromise, and to give each other space to grow. That all takes work.

Other than that, though, it's been pretty easy tbh. We are crazy about each other and have always treated each other well. Given how long we had been together before we married, and the fact that we had already lived together for years and owned a home together and had a dog together, I pretty much knew what I was getting into with marriage and that it was a good thing.

Why were you together for 14 years before finally getting married? Strange. Why bother at that point?

DH was divorced (no kids) and didn't think he wanted to do it again. I was ambivalent anyway, because: patriarchy. All I can tell you is that at some point we changed our minds. We loved our wedding and love being married. It's not a lot different, but it is different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People always say that marriage takes work. OUTSIDE OF KIDS, because I don’t plan on having kids and his children are grown, what is the work? What does it look like? And what are the good and challenging parts of marriage?

His kids, though grown, are still his kids, and you would become their stepmother. How are you going to respond when he wants to be generous financially toward them? Are you going to enjoy joining them for the vacations his kids like to go on because they're family traditions? Are you going to be an active and enthusiastic grandmother to their children?

+1

The stress of kids is still there, they just aren't OP's kids.

It's a trap!

At the very least, get a pre nup.

Anonymous wrote:Omg this thread is so nasty and bitter. I am married without kids and it is awesome. Like a permanent sleepover with my best friend. No idea how it happened but we are super simpatico and going through life together is actually quite fun. The hard part is the random curveballs that life throws at you—but at least you guys are on the same team and battling them together.

I never lived with anyone (besides roommates) prior to marriage, and while there was a small adjustment period in the very beginning, it is way easier than I thought it was going to be. He is not a “big kid” and we have sex about 4 times a week.

Wow. I'd be happy to see an increase and get back to at least 4 times a month. How long have you been married?

We have kids, but don’t really fight about the kids. We have very similar ideas about making choices for them, and have come to agreement about how we divide up the labor.

DH and I dated for 5 years, and our first year of marriage was still hard (now married 10 years, have 4 kids). I think we are pretty happy together and treat each other well. We have been to therapy 3 times to help us tal things through, although not in the last 6 years.

Do you currently share expenses? That’s an issue for many couple, and to a smaller extent in my marriage. We mostly agree on financia priorities, although he is much more risk averse than I am, so we are saving what I think is an excessive amount for retirement. DH also wants to spend more money on his hobbies than I want him to spend, and likes to eat out a lot while I like to cook, so we argue about spending a bit.

If he has grown kids and you don’t, you may disagree about how much time to spend with his kids, how much financial support to provide them, etc. They may resent their parent getting remarried and spending money on you.

Dealing with aging parents can also be stressful, and if you are married there may be different expectations of how much you will help.

Figuring out how to disagree and fight in a constructive way (that brings you to compromise) was challenging for us, but we now have those skills. That wasn’t easy, as we both had years of behavior we needed to examine and change to disagree without being mean and trying to see the other persons viewpoint even when we felt very strongly about a topic. I think that’s the hard work of marriage.

For me it wasn’t any different than dating and cohabitating. Kids changed everything. Before kids it was easy and there was no conflict and our relationship was easy to maintain.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how any marriage survives children. Mine didn’t. So taking that out of the equation should be smooth sailing.

What a ridiculous statement. Your kids didn’t have anything to do with your crap marriage. It’s really unfair to out that on kids.

I don’t have a great marriage OP- but I still
Like being married. The car analogy from PP is not wrong.

Work is constant negotiations, giving in and one party will typically feel on the negative side of that coin More often. DH will buy some gadget the is absolutely necessary (it is not), but want the kids clothes from Target vs Hollister. Not a wrong choice but I can live without the gadget but would like some clothes from Target plus an occasional splurge at Hollister. This is a kids example but you get the idea. Where you spend your $, what you do with your time, all sources of compromise.
Also, managing your temper re: inconsequential things that over time make you crazy.

Anonymous wrote:It's overrated.

+ a million. It really only turns out great for a small minority of participants.

It's overrated.

Anonymous wrote:Married a little over 6 years and together for almost 7.5. We have two crazy rescue dogs and three amazing kids (3 under 5). We both work in big-ish jobs (I make $340 and he makes $430) and are 35 and 39. It’s hard balancing everything right now, but we have a great sex life and communicate really well. We are on the same page about everything- all things money, family, kids, career, working out, etc. If you are self aware and committed to working on yourself and marry someone similar you will be fine.

Only 6 years? Lol. Get back to us in 10 more.

Anonymous wrote:Married a little over 6 years and together for almost 7.5. We have two crazy rescue dogs and three amazing kids (3 under 5). We both work in big-ish jobs (I make $340 and he makes $430) and are 35 and 39. It’s hard balancing everything right now, but we have a great sex life and communicate really well. We are on the same page about everything- all things money, family, kids, career, working out, etc. If you are self aware and committed to working on yourself and marry someone similar you will be fine.

Why did we need to know your exact salaries? You are just here to brag. Marriage is not this perfect for 98% of people, OP. This post is from one of those #blessed people.