Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:39
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
As someone with teen I'd like to think I could have been irritated, stepped outside with the baby, and said "here she is, I have to run back in, doctor said no visits for a month, love you bye, thanks mom!" or stepped outside myself and left DH inside and said "baby is sleeping, but thanks for giving mom a ride, thanks mom!" but as a former mom of a newborn, I am pretty I would have done what you did.
Your mom was mean. I don't know if she's a mean person, but her message to you is self-centered, out of tough with the duties and nurturing attitudes of a new grandma, and straight up unkind. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but I am saying you can fully condemn this. I'd probably delegate it to DH if he were willing to send her a message thanking her for coming, and letting her know you need space and are hurt by her tone and words and actions. If she's always like this...umm...maybe you'll see that once you have kids some boundaries need to be redrawn.
I'm so sorry, OP. Feel no guilt or embarrassment, feel free to say whatever you want to your uncle to smooth it over (again, can your DH do this?), and take care!
Your mom was mean. I don't know if she's a mean person, but her message to you is self-centered, out of tough with the duties and nurturing attitudes of a new grandma, and straight up unkind. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but I am saying you can fully condemn this. I'd probably delegate it to DH if he were willing to send her a message thanking her for coming, and letting her know you need space and are hurt by her tone and words and actions. If she's always like this...umm...maybe you'll see that once you have kids some boundaries need to be redrawn.
I'm so sorry, OP. Feel no guilt or embarrassment, feel free to say whatever you want to your uncle to smooth it over (again, can your DH do this?), and take care!
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:38
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest and say I’m torn. Your mom is a big time AH, no doubt. But she arranged her own ride to the airport. Your uncle is not an Uber driver and I don’t know that it’s reaonable to think he wouldn’t enter into your house. Everyone should have understood that it needed to be a 5 minute visit, but nevertheless he did a favor for your family.
Bs. My mom took a cab from the airport because we were in the hospital and the baby was early. Priority is the health of the the baby and new mom. If you have to make it about you and showing off your grandkid then don’t bother coming. Op’s mom does not respect the parents and frankly can’t be trusted around the baby. I wouldn’t even bother responding to that nasty lecture and just cut her toxicity off until you are stronger and healthier - like in a year or two!
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:38
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Did you know she was leaving? Had you talked about plans to get her to the airport?
I think she's way overreacting, and her email is really harsh. It sounds as though she asked this uncle (her half sibling?) to pick her up for the airport, and uncle brought people, and then she invited them in to see the baby. Which isn't great, but it's also different, in my mind, from planning some kind of social gathering.
I understand your reaction, but I probably would have had DH take the baby out by the front door for a moment so they could have a glance or something, and then be glad that she's going and you have some privacy.
Op they came with a gift and drove over an hour to come get her so I think it was a social visit under the guise of a ride to the airport. She never discussed the airport plans with my but my husband could have taken her or usually she hires this airport driver guy who is great. So I feel like the ride to the airport is an excuse
She could have visited with them outside or at a coffee shop. She didnt HAVE to visit with them inside your house.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:37
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
So, before covid I would have been like, ah, you should have just let them in.
But covid has made me more aware of the risks of doing that around vulnerable people like newborns.
So, I actually think if I had a newborn now I would be being pretty strict about who could visit indoors or hold the baby until she'd gotten her initial vaccines at least.
I am guessing these family members don't care that much about disease and don't undesrtand that.
Most people don't really care if they meet a newborn or not. They are just trying to be nice to the mom and make her feel special. SO if the mom doesn't want people around, most nice sane people would choose to be helpful by not visiting if that is what the mom wants.
Actually you know what? Even before covid, I didn't go visit newborns because I knew I wasn't up to date on whooping cough etc.
But covid has made me more aware of the risks of doing that around vulnerable people like newborns.
So, I actually think if I had a newborn now I would be being pretty strict about who could visit indoors or hold the baby until she'd gotten her initial vaccines at least.
I am guessing these family members don't care that much about disease and don't undesrtand that.
Most people don't really care if they meet a newborn or not. They are just trying to be nice to the mom and make her feel special. SO if the mom doesn't want people around, most nice sane people would choose to be helpful by not visiting if that is what the mom wants.
Actually you know what? Even before covid, I didn't go visit newborns because I knew I wasn't up to date on whooping cough etc.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:35
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Did you know she was leaving? Had you talked about plans to get her to the airport?
I think she's way overreacting, and her email is really harsh. It sounds as though she asked this uncle (her half sibling?) to pick her up for the airport, and uncle brought people, and then she invited them in to see the baby. Which isn't great, but it's also different, in my mind, from planning some kind of social gathering.
I understand your reaction, but I probably would have had DH take the baby out by the front door for a moment so they could have a glance or something, and then be glad that she's going and you have some privacy.
Op they came with a gift and drove over an hour to come get her so I think it was a social visit under the guise of a ride to the airport. She never discussed the airport plans with my but my husband could have taken her or usually she hires this airport driver guy who is great. So I feel like the ride to the airport is an excuse
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:34
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your uncle has two toddlers? Is this your dad's much much younger brother and you are about the same age?
Wait, he's your uncle, so not a sibling to either of your parents and he's brining a random older woman? You're barely related to this person why was he invited?
In many cultures, there is delineation between close and extended family is not as pronounced as is in American culture. This line of argument doesn’t stand.
Why did OP include the unnecessary details? Apparently she thinks the distant relationship matters. I agree with OP, not you.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:33
Subject: Re:My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Your mother was awful for doing that but you were rude. Where I am from we don’t kick out guests and make them feel unwelcome (I am a millennial btw).
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:33
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Op again I want to add that his two kids are always sick so that was part of the reason I did not want them around. Also my mother is saying how she’s been inconvenienced helping me so the last I can do it let her see her family.
F her. Seriously.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:30
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
I’ll be honest and say I’m torn. Your mom is a big time AH, no doubt. But she arranged her own ride to the airport. Your uncle is not an Uber driver and I don’t know that it’s reaonable to think he wouldn’t enter into your house. Everyone should have understood that it needed to be a 5 minute visit, but nevertheless he did a favor for your family.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:28
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:-Your mom should have asked you before inviting family inside.
-You should have sucked it up and not take it out on the relatives.
-Your mom has been helping so why is the house a mess? Perhaps mom isn’t so helpful?
The house is a mess and I’m a mess. Big milk stains on shirt and exploding boobs, still in pajamas, boxes of pads on the table, breast feeding cups etc. just don’t want people walking into this. It’s embarrassing.
Postpartum mothers owe no one any apologies.
Shame on your mother.
Has SHE apologized to you yet?
Op no. She’s never apologized in her life, not once. If she did it’s “sorry you felt that way” she has a way of contorting everything to make herself a victim. She is not self reflective so it’s never been explored
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:26
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:-Your mom should have asked you before inviting family inside.
-You should have sucked it up and not take it out on the relatives.
-Your mom has been helping so why is the house a mess? Perhaps mom isn’t so helpful?
The house is a mess and I’m a mess. Big milk stains on shirt and exploding boobs, still in pajamas, boxes of pads on the table, breast feeding cups etc. just don’t want people walking into this. It’s embarrassing.
Postpartum mothers owe no one any apologies.
Shame on your mother.
Has SHE apologized to you yet?
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:25
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Did you know she was leaving? Had you talked about plans to get her to the airport?
I think she's way overreacting, and her email is really harsh. It sounds as though she asked this uncle (her half sibling?) to pick her up for the airport, and uncle brought people, and then she invited them in to see the baby. Which isn't great, but it's also different, in my mind, from planning some kind of social gathering.
I understand your reaction, but I probably would have had DH take the baby out by the front door for a moment so they could have a glance or something, and then be glad that she's going and you have some privacy.
I think she's way overreacting, and her email is really harsh. It sounds as though she asked this uncle (her half sibling?) to pick her up for the airport, and uncle brought people, and then she invited them in to see the baby. Which isn't great, but it's also different, in my mind, from planning some kind of social gathering.
I understand your reaction, but I probably would have had DH take the baby out by the front door for a moment so they could have a glance or something, and then be glad that she's going and you have some privacy.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:25
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:If today turned into a negative experience, it is only because you two refused to roll with the punches. If you can't cope with someting as innocuous as sudden unwanted company with grace and goods manners, then you two are in for a rough ride. When you have kids, you don't get to control much. Life won't always be on your terms, so you might want to start practicing how to behave appropriately when things don't go your way.
I find it unconscionable that after all I did for you, that you couldn't suck up a visit from our relatives so that I could get a ride to the airport. It was okay with you for me to be inconvenienced for days on end your sake, but when it comes time for you to be inconvenienced for my sake, it's not that you could not - you would not. Instead you felt it necessary to make everyone there uncomfortable making it clear that they were unwelcome. To treat anyone that way is beyond rude, but treating those who are well intentioned, care about you, and have done nothing but support you is beyond comprehension. Unexpected or not. Having a baby is no excuse for embarrassingly poor manners and I would hope you would never treat anyone else the way you treated our family.
Op this is the message she sent me
So you should risk exposing your infant to covid or RSV so she could get a free ride to the airport? No. Just no.
I wouldn't even reply. just don't engage. if you have energy and you like the relatives who showed up, maybe write a note or quick text apologizing and saying you were tired and taken off guard and want to wait till your kid has been vaccinated to have indoor visitors.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:23
Subject: Re:My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
OP, your mom was completely and totally out of line. You had every right not to want company, she was rude to insist and her response was so selfish. I hope she apologizes for inviting them in the first place and even more so for her reaction.
My mom picked fights with me after each of my babies were born. Now that I am way past it, I can see that she was on an emotional roller coaster too. I am not defending your mom — she was juvenile and inconsiderate. I hope that she has the grace to apologize. It’s just that new babies bring up big feelings. I guess my point is that as bad as that text was (and it was BAD) if your mom apologizes and tries to set things right, it might be helpful to remember that she’s had a wild week too. Just not nearly as wild as yours.
My mom picked fights with me after each of my babies were born. Now that I am way past it, I can see that she was on an emotional roller coaster too. I am not defending your mom — she was juvenile and inconsiderate. I hope that she has the grace to apologize. It’s just that new babies bring up big feelings. I guess my point is that as bad as that text was (and it was BAD) if your mom apologizes and tries to set things right, it might be helpful to remember that she’s had a wild week too. Just not nearly as wild as yours.
Anonymous
08/05/2023 14:22
Subject: My mother invited family over to come meet my five day old baby without telling me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your uncle has two toddlers? Is this your dad's much much younger brother and you are about the same age?
Wait, he's your uncle, so not a sibling to either of your parents and he's brining a random older woman? You're barely related to this person why was he invited?
Op my grandfather was married several times. This is her half brother who is a few years older than me and my grandfathers ex wife who I am very fond of and my uncle’s girlfriend (anti vaxxer type, not as fond of her)