OP, set a boundary. Make your “no” mean something.

Brother: [says something hurtful and offensive]
You: I heard you the first time, and I’m not discussing it further. [Change the topic to *anything* else.]
Brother: [continues to be hurtful/trying to get you to engage.]
You: I’ve already asked you to stop politely. I’m going to leave. Give me a call if you’d like to meet up for dinner later.

Then remove yourself from the situation. Walk the dog, take your child to the pool, have a play date. Your brother is an adult and can entertain himself. The logical consequence of being awful to hang out with is that people don’t hang out with you. Your brother is demonstrating that he feels it’s more important to be right than to be supportive. When he asks to stay with you again, be honest, “That didn’t work out well for us last time, and I’m not willing to try again.” It will be awkward, and he will likely try to make you feel badly about that too. Say no once, attempt to redirect conversation once, and then remove yourself from the conversation. You don’t have to tolerate anything you don’t want to tolerate.

My brothers are the same way. Just overly aggressive about weird stuff (like if a toddler’s hair is too pouty). I just say “Please stop. It’s kinda mean.”

Hey, "a guy," and guys in general:

Don't give unsolicited fashion advice to anyone. This goes for girls, too.

OP: your brother is a bigot and I'm glad you decided not to invite him back. I would have told him to find a motel at the first bigoted remark.

Ladies, if you find yourself dressing your son in something you consider “adorable,” please reconsider your fashion choices.

— A guy

Here's a suggestion for dressing your kid up next time

Anonymous wrote:Why is he so triggered? Sounds like a closet case to me.

Maybe, Op, does he have any long term relationship?

Anonymous wrote:I suspect part of the issue is brother is calling out his sister for putting on airs and is reminding her of who she really is and where she came from. How is it that the brother can be so wildly different from OP assuming they were raised by the same parents in the same household?

OP here. I definitely don't put on airs. We have always been very different from the time we were young. We grew up in AZ and my brother went to school there. I wanted a change, and winters, so went to school in New England, and have been on the East Coast ever since. Just to clarify, he didn't call my son the f-word to his face, but to us. We did not kick him out, but DH and I agreed he won't be welcome to stay with us again.

I suspect part of the issue is brother is calling out his sister for putting on airs and is reminding her of who she really is and where she came from. How is it that the brother can be so wildly different from OP assuming they were raised by the same parents in the same household?

Why is he so triggered? Sounds like a closet case to me.

He needs to leave. Sounds like a bigoted a hole.

Your adult brother is literally bullying your 4yo son in their home.

I'd tell him to leave. My kids need to feel safe in their own house.

He's an idiot, but there are other idiots like him. Some of them might be your son's playmates' fathers.

I’d kick him out of the house. It doesn’t sound like good natured teasing at all. He sounds like a bigot.

How absurd! Lots of boys that age are dressed that way. Mine pushed back around 1st-2nd grade and have worn pretty much athletic wear only ever since. 🤣

It’s your brother- just roll your eyes and tell him “whatever, Larlo…when you have kids, you can dress them however you like”