Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 11:42     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Paying for MIL to fly out to do pick up a few days a week is going to cost more than using after care or hiring someone. You have plenty of other options but just want to complain about your MIL not being at your beck and call when she lives far away. She's not your backup childcare. That fact seems lost on so many people here who choose to live far away from grandparents and then want to cry about the lack of help.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 11:38     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?


This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)


NP but incompetent is a very mild word for a parent who cannot think of any solution to the bolded other than "fly my mom across the country for a full week so I don't have to hire help for part of two days."

You married an idiot, and I think it must come from his dad's side because MIL knows enough to stay out of your mess.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 11:36     Subject: Re:MIL will only help at her own home
Your MIL isn’t “making it about her”. She’s allowed to have boundaries. Saying she is happy to take care of your child at her place, but not wanting to fly cross country to care for child sounds like a reasonable boundary to have.

It is a huge ask, even for family, to take care of your kid for a week. People are allowed to have personal preferences. Just like you are allowed to say “ok, well in that case in will pass”.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 11:33     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why are you annoyed at your MIL rather than your inept husband?


+1

MIL did nothing wrong either. She has other commitments during that time.

+1
My own parents would say the same. As they age they are simply not that confident outside their comfort zone.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:53     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have to travel for work. DH walked MIL to come to help while I am away. MIL lives on the opposite coast and only visits once a year, which DH pays for. DH offered to fly her out and pay all expenses while she is here for a week. She is single and retired. She said she had other commitments, but it would be so great for her to take care of DC at her house if we would put them on a plane alone.

On one had I get it, on the other hand I’m annoyed that she has made it about her. Like now I’m somehow the bad guy if I don’t want to put DC on a cross country plane alone both ways and I’m depriving her of something when the original question was if she could help me and DH (we have hardly ever asked before). She has done very little to help overall in DC’s life, just the annual visits paid for by DH.


She didn't make it about her. You did by asking her.

Maybe she is still tired from years of kowtowing to her kids and wants her son to take care of his own shit.
+100. The OP sounds super entitled! You asked; she didn't want to do that but offered an alternative. You're making her out to be a monster, but really you sound like an ungrateful entitled DIL.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:50     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:I have to travel for work. DH walked MIL to come to help while I am away. MIL lives on the opposite coast and only visits once a year, which DH pays for. DH offered to fly her out and pay all expenses while she is here for a week. She is single and retired. She said she had other commitments, but it would be so great for her to take care of DC at her house if we would put them on a plane alone.

On one had I get it, on the other hand I’m annoyed that she has made it about her. Like now I’m somehow the bad guy if I don’t want to put DC on a cross country plane alone both ways and I’m depriving her of something when the original question was if she could help me and DH (we have hardly ever asked before). She has done very little to help overall in DC’s life, just the annual visits paid for by DH.


She didn't make it about her. You did by asking her.

Maybe she is still tired from years of kowtowing to her kids and wants her son to take care of his own shit.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:50     Subject: Re:MIL will only help at her own home
You asked your MIL to help. She basically said no. It would be nice if she said yes but for whatever reason she doesn't want to. Now you have to find another way. Either your husband takes some time of to do pick-ups, you ask some friends or hire a sitter.

While I recognize its different, my parents much prefer to babysit at their own house. They live 45 minutes away and do not like to drive late at night or sleep at our house. (My Mom has back and sleeping issues so being in her own bed is much preferred.) So if we need them we take the kids or their house or sometimes they will even offer to pick them up.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:30     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
and "trade off babysitting"

PS: Yes, it sucks to have to pay for more than you need. One way it sucks less is if you use it more. Maybe DC can spend more time in aftercare than just these few weeks, and you and DH can spend more time together, or you can have an excuse to hit the gym, or you can take up a new hobby. Or maybe you just sit quietly and breathe a little, without a child asking questions every minute. Make the most of it
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:26     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
(ugh, mobile typos)
"weigh in"
"or hire someone"
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:25     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have to travel for work. DH walked MIL to come to help while I am away. MIL lives on the opposite coast and only visits once a year, which DH pays for. DH offered to fly her out and pay all expenses while she is here for a week. She is single and retired. She said she had other commitments, but it would be so great for her to take care of DC at her house if we would put them on a plane alone.

On one had I get it, on the other hand I’m annoyed that she has made it about her. Like now I’m somehow the bad guy if I don’t want to put DC on a cross country plane alone both ways and I’m depriving her of something when the original question was if she could help me and DH (we have hardly ever asked before). She has done very little to help overall in DC’s life, just the annual visits paid for by DH.


Be gracious and grateful for someone willing to help at all. In old age, its tough to manage kids, its tough to be away from your easy to use familiar set up and its tough to travel without lengthy planning. Your DC will get a new experience there and learn new things.


DP, and generally weight in on the side of the DIL.

Exactly. The MIL is under no obligation to come out to you to do this, though it would be nice. It's also nice (and kind) to offer to host where she is.

OP, this is when you suck it up and pay for a year of aftercare, or how someone and pay for more time then you need to, or take off babysit with a neighbor or mom of DC's friends, or something.

This is your child. It is not her problem. She had no day in whether you had children, and you can't issue a command performance in return.

I wish it had worked out the way you wanted. It didn't. Time to get more creative.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:24     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:Why are you annoyed at your MIL rather than your inept husband?


+1

MIL did nothing wrong either. She has other commitments during that time.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:16     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:I have to travel for work. DH walked MIL to come to help while I am away. MIL lives on the opposite coast and only visits once a year, which DH pays for. DH offered to fly her out and pay all expenses while she is here for a week. She is single and retired. She said she had other commitments, but it would be so great for her to take care of DC at her house if we would put them on a plane alone.

On one had I get it, on the other hand I’m annoyed that she has made it about her. Like now I’m somehow the bad guy if I don’t want to put DC on a cross country plane alone both ways and I’m depriving her of something when the original question was if she could help me and DH (we have hardly ever asked before). She has done very little to help overall in DC’s life, just the annual visits paid for by DH.


Be gracious and grateful for someone willing to help at all. In old age, its tough to manage kids, its tough to be away from your easy to use familiar set up and its tough to travel without lengthy planning. Your DC will get a new experience there and learn new things.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:15     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband incompetent?


This is a little unfair. My husband is very competent, but we still need help when I travel, because he has fixed work commitments that mean he can't make pickup 2 to 3 days a week. We don't sign up for a full year of aftercare to cover a couple full week trips. (We also don't expect my parents to come from hours away, but my point is that competence isn't really the issue.)


You could have been much more specific in your OP if pickup is the problem. See if you can do drop in after care for the week, have dc go home with a friend after school, or hire an after school sitter. Your MIL doesn’t need to drop everything to play chauffeur for a few days.


Most after school childcare places have drop-in care. You would need to enroll your child in the program (doctor's exam and all) but then you'd have it as an option for the entire year.

Alternatively, you could ask on the neighborhood listserv for a teen babysitter to pick your child up from the bus stop and stay with them for a few hours until your husband could get home.

Or you could set up (or have your husband set up) playdates on each of those three days.

There are tons of good options here, OP.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:11     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
If your kid is old enough to potentially travel unaccompanied and you are talking about 2-3 days of extra aftercare/tricky pickups.... then kid isn't actually available to go to the opposite coast for a week, right? Because they are in school?

This whole framing of the problem seems nonsensical. Just hire some extra help at home to fill in the gaps if MIL can't come to you.
Anonymous
Post 08/02/2023 09:09     Subject: MIL will only help at her own home
Why are you annoyed at your MIL rather than your inept husband?