Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks! I have this vision of family vacations in the future. The past few days have been especially tough as divorce process is getting real and some of the behaviors of yelling and insults have been present. But our kids are early elementary and this trip would be more centered on them. I want them to have good memories and hope we can be civil. Honestly less stressful on my own emotionally but don’t want my spouse to feel left out.

I you are having visions of family vacations in the future, I suggest you stay married. That thinking is delusional. You will see the rare post from people who say they vacation with their ex and kids but the vast majority of divorced people do not.

Even if you start out doing this, this will fall apart once one of you gets in a relationship with someone else.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

+1 some people put kids first even if divorced. No relationship is worth it. Ex and I agree no other person will impact our parenting. Neither of us plan to remarry.

And how long have you been divorced? You seriously think your ex is going to stay single for life to cater to and vacation with you, his ex? Dream on.

I have divorced friends like this who had this vision. Women who initiated the divorce, thought they would still spend holidays together, have a great coparenting relationship. Now they are all mad at their exes, and sometimes their exes new wives, for not adhering to this fantasy.

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

This is unrealistic fantasy for most people. Do not get divorced with the assumption that this will be your post-divorce reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Divorced at 50, my ex was 46. He got remarried last year, 2 years after we divorced. His new wife is the same age as him. It happens.

I’m not saying it can’t happen, but I think it’s more common for people to move on quickly when they’re divorcing in their 30s. Of all the people I know who are divorced in her 40s which is admittedly not many, but there are a few nobody has moved on to a new serious relationship and coparenting is the priority

Every marriage and every family is different. Life is complicated, relationships are complicated, parenting is complicated, people are complicated. The dynamics of your family are shifting profoundly. Who knows what the future brings? But right now, you can sit down and have a conversation with your soon-to-be ex and feel him out on whether you can do this trip completely civilly and focused on building nice memories for your kids. Don’t go with him if your gut tells you that you can’t both play nice. Do make it a family trip if you believe you can.

My spouse and I called it quits on our marriage 5 years ago. We lived in separate bedrooms in the same house for another 2 years. We only started the divorce process last fall and we’ve taken it very slowly and haven’t finalized the agreement. We have dinner together with the kids once a week. We attend the kids’ school events together. We celebrate holidays and birthdays together, as a family. We’ve taken several family trips together and are planning one more big one. We don’t stay in the same hotel room. We do not observe our anniversary, but since the divorce isn’t final, we do still have one.

It may surprise you to learn that spouse started dating someone seriously after we decided to separate and has been living with her for 2 years and we still have these arrangements. I have met her and we get along, but she hasn’t celebrated any holidays or taken any trips with us yet because that’s one of my children’s preference (they’re teenagers now) and ex doesn’t force it. I can’t understand how the live-in girlfriend puts up with this arrangement, but that’s her problem.

I don’t like my ex, but I don’t dislike him either. He’s much nicer to me since we gave up on trying to make our marriage work and I stopped giving him head space when he moved out. It took time, but I healed and let go of 98% of the negative feelings. My kids love that we still get along and have no problem spending time together. They’ll never have to worry about whether we can be civil to each other at their big life events. We still feel like a family, just a different version.

Most divorcing couples couldn’t live like this, but just because very few people can doesn’t mean that no one can. You need to find what works for your individual family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Divorced at 50, my ex was 46. He got remarried last year, 2 years after we divorced. His new wife is the same age as him. It happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

I am divorced; I don’t know anyone divorced who moved on quickly. At all. Maybe you are young. Divorced in 40s there is not much moving on. It is getting the kids raised but not having to be married. I can stomach kids birthdays and dinners and a beach trip because I am not married and it is a few days a year vs every day of my life. Some people get along much better divorced because they no longer have to be married to the person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks! I have this vision of family vacations in the future. The past few days have been especially tough as divorce process is getting real and some of the behaviors of yelling and insults have been present. But our kids are early elementary and this trip would be more centered on them. I want them to have good memories and hope we can be civil. Honestly less stressful on my own emotionally but don’t want my spouse to feel left out.

I you are having visions of family vacations in the future, I suggest you stay married. That thinking is delusional. You will see the rare post from people who say they vacation with their ex and kids but the vast majority of divorced people do not.

Even if you start out doing this, this will fall apart once one of you gets in a relationship with someone else.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

+1 some people put kids first even if divorced. No relationship is worth it. Ex and I agree no other person will impact our parenting. Neither of us plan to remarry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

Gently, OP- I have a good coparenting relationship with my ex and we don't do any of these things (aside from outside-the-home birthday like at a venue and with other people attending). We are much happier apart. Our kids get to have these events without any fighting or tension. I'm happy for my dc when they have a good vacation or holiday with their dad. OP if your dc is bringing up divorce, they are seeing/feeling the tension.

I am divorced. We do kids’ birthdays and a weekend a year at the beach. We do a family dinner about 6 times a year with the kids at a restaurant. We did not do that married. No holidays. We split them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks! I have this vision of family vacations in the future. The past few days have been especially tough as divorce process is getting real and some of the behaviors of yelling and insults have been present. But our kids are early elementary and this trip would be more centered on them. I want them to have good memories and hope we can be civil. Honestly less stressful on my own emotionally but don’t want my spouse to feel left out.

Grow up, OP. You are getting divorced. Stop living in a fantasy world.

I am divorced. We do kids birthdays and a weekend once a year for the kids. I know another divorced family that does this. It does not have to be the way you assume.

That one weekend once a year sucks. What is the point of it? Hey, this is the life you could have had but mommy and daddy jacked it up for you all? Here is a sneak peek though.

The kids want to do it. We do it for them. They are perfectly fine and adjusted. They understand why we are divorced. It was a bad marriage. We can manage a weekend a year.

This black and white divorce stuff is outdated. Not like that anymore for many divorced people. We can still be parents and not be married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I are about to start the divorce process. Our anniversary is coming up and it is up and down. Sometimes fine and sometimes a lot of yelling, insults, or passive aggressive. I had planned a short trip with young kids. Should I have my spouse stay behind (I told my spouse to come if they want to come) or have us all go?

If you separated, then you should not travel together. You spending a weekend with him on a trip may break your one year separation requirement.

No one cares unless you are going to court. Only 5% of cases see a courtroom.

Going through a divorce now. Just stopped living in same house. We spent a day together for youngest child’s birthday recently. It felt almost normal but also incredibly awkward at the same time. I found myself tearful most of the day. It was a big “last” for us - last holiday as a family, last celebration together. Just be prepared that you may have different types of emotions than you think you will have during your vacation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Of course you are still mom and dad. I guess it is possible. I just don’t know any divorced couples who spend holidays, vacations and birthdays together. Almost every divorced couple we know has one person move on rather quickly. It isn’t like both mutually just decided one day to break up the family. One party wants to date or leave the other. Or there is abuse or they just can’t stand one another.

It is never really truly mutual. Same as any breakup. One party usually wants to stay together and one party wants to break up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Not PP, but I agree. Even though ex and I are divorced, and we do not vacation together-we are still Mom and Dad and our kids are our family. Just because we aren't married to each other, doesn't change that. Families come in many forms as we know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t ask for the divorce but completely agree with it. I am worried about the financial fallout but I feel much less anxiety and less walking on eggshells and less waiting for my spouse to blow up. Kids have no idea we are splitting up (although my oldest elementary kid has brought it up probably sensing the tension). Sometimes we get along great. Sometimes it’s just managing the passive aggressive comments, yelling, or bodily nervousness. I would love to have a good coparenting relationship where we can still do things together as a family-holidays, birthdays, dinners, vacations. We are in the beginning stages of divorce and so won’t tell kids for a while since we are still living together.

So he is leaving you. I am sorry. The sooner you accept you are not together, the better it will be. You don’t do family holidays together. This is not how it works.

Sounds like you want to keep everything the same as if you are still a family.

You can't divorce away the fact that you are both parents of your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks! I have this vision of family vacations in the future. The past few days have been especially tough as divorce process is getting real and some of the behaviors of yelling and insults have been present. But our kids are early elementary and this trip would be more centered on them. I want them to have good memories and hope we can be civil. Honestly less stressful on my own emotionally but don’t want my spouse to feel left out.

I you are having visions of family vacations in the future, I suggest you stay married. That thinking is delusional. You will see the rare post from people who say they vacation with their ex and kids but the vast majority of divorced people do not.

Even if you start out doing this, this will fall apart once one of you gets in a relationship with someone else.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.