Anonymous wrote:Well let’s break down how I feel about my mom. I love my mom first of all but I notice since she retired she is been so intense in her communication or maybe I didn’t know before because she was sways busy . She is a very smart women And work all her life as an engineer. Recently, I notice she is self observed and every time I tell her an anecdote about me and my new baby she starts talking about her ex-coworker babies that are similar age to my baby.
At the beginning I was like okay mom cool when she talks about her two ex coworkers ther had babies too during the same time as me.
But now it’s getting annoying . For example , today I called her to tell her my baby is smiling and laughing and doing more tummy time . Then she processed to talk about this people that I don’t know and most of the conversation was about them . For a second I was like how can she not listen to my stories but I had to listen to Hers. I wonder if she is just so self center because she was a boss before and everybody listen and love her .or she is just old and cel centered . I know she is not narcissistic because she loves me and my baby but the audacity to always talk about others ppl that I don’t know instead of listening to me really frustrated me.
I wanted to ask my sister if they feel like me but then i feel I will start a drama . What do you think I should do ?
Old people gets like this

Your mother is neurodivergent and is trying to engage and relate to you and your child's life.
It is very uncommon for women of your mothers age to be engineers and responding to a story with a similar story is a hallmark adhd/autism sign.

Try to understand your mother and who she is. She is clearly trying to understand and relate to you.

If you truly can't stand it tell her point blank what upsets and why- in the moment. I'm not saying she will be able to reflect in the moment and change and definitely not saying that she should. But if you are trying to drop hints, she is not going to pick up on them.

My mom does this too and it drives me crazy. She didn't used to, she's educated and smart but now in her 70s and my best guess is she feels less relevant and is striving to connect with others. She truly thinks she's contributing to a conversation but all she does is bring the spotlight back to her and off of whoever was talking. She'd be mortified if she realized that's what she's doing. I have to say something soon, but she's also very sensitive and prone to get feelings hurt over very minor things. I've thought through how this convo could go and it never ends well:

The pre-social-event pep talk:
"Mom, when other people talk or tell stories it's very natural to make connections to similar experiences you know about or had yourself. But when you proceed to tell the whole story about that experience, it can take attention away from the person who was talking. Instead, can you try to notice the connection, think about it, and NOT mention it aloud? It will help the focus stay on the person who was talking and make sure they feel heard." She will cry for sure.

or the less-wordy, lighthearted approach:
Hey mom, I love you but you have GOT to take Aaron Burr's advice- talk less, smile more.
She'll get the reference, but it doesn't target the real problem.

or the in-situ approach:
Anyone: I just did xyz and it was amazing, we...
Mom: Oh I used to know someone who did xyz and they blah blah blah...
Me (interrupting gently): Mom, you interrupted their story. I'm sure you didn't mean to. (to the other person) Now please tell us more about xyz.
Me: avoids her hurt eyes the rest of the night and brings her drinks until she forgets about it.

Sigh...

Anonymous wrote:My mother also does this constantly, including today. I told her about having to go to a funeral today for a friend who took their own life this week. Instead of asking me how I was doing or how that family was doing she then started into a story about a friend of hers who had a friend who committed suicide 40 years ago and her friend never got over it.

I replied “I’ve got to go. I will call you later.”

Sounds like your mom has anxiety.

My MIL does this and it drives her kids nuts.

I’ve decided it’s due to anxiety and/or possibly a generational way of communicating.

Spouse calls out some of the more annoying behavior and she realizes she does some annoying things but she can’t quite get herself to stop or change.

My mother also does this constantly, including today. I told her about having to go to a funeral today for a friend who took their own life this week. Instead of asking me how I was doing or how that family was doing she then started into a story about a friend of hers who had a friend who committed suicide 40 years ago and her friend never got over it.

I replied “I’ve got to go. I will call you later.”

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this. If I tell them anything about my kid, they will immediately relate a story about either one of their friend's grandkids or one of my nieces and nephews. And while I don't think this is on purpose, it is done in a way that makes it seem like they are "topping" my story. So if I tell them my DD did a great job at my dance recital, they will not respond to that story but immediately launch into a story about how my nephew's baseball team won a state championship, or how their neighbor's granddaughter can play two instruments very well.

It is weird and I don't like it. I don't think they are being intentionally hurtful but it does make me feel like they don't care about my kid and are not interested in my life.

When I was a kid, they were similar. They didn't really seem that interested in my life and often compared me to my older siblings. Perhaps they just do not like me very much. I don't know.

Ugh my mom does this too and it drives me batty, especially since she has a favored set of grandkids so it always goes back to them. The counter stories are also so mundane too.

Then there was the time I told her my best friend (age 40) had brain cancer and (at least after saying she was sorry) she promptly started talking about her high school friend’s husband who had just been diagnosed with skin cancer.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the mother, grandmother and MIL bashing over this? This character trait isn’t limited to them. Many people of all stripes do this ALL THE TIME. Yes, it’s annoy AF but old ladies haven’t cornered the market on it. We can’t have anything to do with our younger, male next door neighbor because he does the SAME EXACT THING and it bores the rest of us to tears.

What “bores the rest of us to tears” is your pathological need to jump onto every thread where someone complains about something a specific older woman in their life does and post this hysterical drivel. And yes, it’s you. Calm down with the ALL CAPS.

Takes one to know one. Your incessant posting about older women is just as boring - and pathological.

Thanks for the feedback. I will do my best to be more empathic to my mom and re direct our conversations instead of listening to other people stories that I don’t even know.

Thanks for the people that understood me.
Peace ✌️

Anonymous wrote:Thisnis very common. My mother in law is like this and always was. I get stories about people i don't know (neighbors, etc) that are kind of relevant to whats up in our lives. Its how they relate to people. She is lovely but has no idea how to have a conversation, listen to someone, ask questions, empathize, move the conversation forward. Her way of relating is to monolog and share a closely related story. Its just her way. I use to be annoyed but then overheard her tall about me and my kids in the same way to someone.

It’s this right here. And for some people, it gets worse with age.

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this all the time. Things are always about her.
I usually don’t tell her much and if I do it’s just to make conversation not to actually share things.

This, and yes, she's a narcissist.

Anonymous wrote:I hear this complaint a lot about grandparents, often enough that I think it can just be an awkward way to make connections and contribute to the conversation. Of course, in some cases it might be intended to hurt. But I think it's common enough that I wouldn't assume the worst.

Maybe a way to change the dynamic would be to ask her what her experiences as a parent, and about your own childhood. "Baby doesn't really like tummy time, but I know we're supposed to do it. What was the advice when I was a baby? Did I like tummy time?"

Do I'm not sure tummy time was a thing!