If your mom isn’t toxic, is still alive, and in your life, you can’t really fathom what she’s going through. Give her some grace. She’s reeling right now, and took it out on you. You weren’t in the wrong — but you didn’t get your response to her bereavement quite right, either.

In the future, regardless of how close you are to someone who is grieving, do what you can to acknowledge their grief without adding to their burden. Try not to ask them questions. Look for an online obituary to get funeral details. Send them food or make a donation to whatever charity is listed in the obituary. A heartfelt message in a card is more meaningful than a candle.

Your post reminds me of my dh when we were a young couple and his friends had a baby. I said we should take them food. He argued that that was a ridiculous suggestion because they definitely didn’t need food. Fast forward to after our twins were born. He told me that I’d been right, we should have brought them food, but he just didn’t get it until he’d lived it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a question for you OP - when you saw the details of the service on social media, had you responded on that that you would be attending, then you didn’t show up & did not let her know ahead of time?

That is the only situation where I could see how she could be reasonably upset.

However like another person stated, your friend likely just lashed out as this is likely a very difficult time for her.
Losing a parent can be one of life’s most traumatic losses and your friend’s emotions may just be very raw right now.

I would back off for now.
Let her know she will be in your thoughts and that if she ever needs to talk, you will be just a phone call away.

Then leave the ball in her court.

So sorry this happened to you - hopefully things can be resolved in the future. 😃

OP here -Thanks for your response.

Re: your question, I didn’t say I was going or could make it. I just asked in a text if there would be one and she responded the information would be on social media.

You have obviously done not a thing wrong.

I would just take a step back at this point and let your friend contact you on her own accord.

Anonymous wrote:In the future, it helps to talk to a person one step away from the tragedy. I usually call a sister-in-law or a best friend. They reach out to the grieving person on behalf of everyone and find out if she needs space/food/company/babysitting/whatever.

This makes the most sense.

I think that there is a mismatch of expectations: OP’s friend feels much closer to OP than OP does to her; and she was very disappointed and sad that OP did not show the level of caring that the friend expected in her grief-stricken state. Her reaction seems very strong but is understandable because she was expecting more than OP could give in that moment.

I think people are dumping on OP unnecessarily, but I do think it might have been better to just drop the gift and card at the friend's home rather than text her. Of course, she could have turned that against you, as well, and been angry you didn't try and see her. As many people have said, she was grieving and lashed out, but I don't think it was warranted. It's impossible to know how everyone responds to grief, and I think it's wrong to assume that friends know exactly what we want or need. There isn't one right way to support a friend who is grieving.

OP, I +1 the ideas to give space. Reaching out on the anniversary of her mother's death, Mother's Day, or on her mom's birthday would be very thoughtful. I was so appreciative when friends did this after my mom died.