Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’ll probably change if you put out more.

Ha ha exactly. From the sound of OP she never puts out ever. Just complains and complains and complains.

Why would anyone put out for a DH who doesn't do anything? It's so unsexy.

Oh just stop. This is entirely on her. If he doesn’t engage with his family or invest his own money then that’s all on him. She’s clearly a control freak. And THAT is super unsexy.

OP is clearly a neurotic control freak. She can’t be easy to live with, which is why her DH gives her false assurances he’ll do various insignificant things just to get her to shut up and go away.

I know! Who cares about the kids $5000 orthodontics, appointments, and overcrowding!

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is lacking executive functioning skills. It really sounds like he can’t plan out anything.

In other words, not marriage nor parent material

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things. Why are you managing his relationship with his mother?

He doesn't call her so she comes to me. Same with the friends.

Use your words. Mary--I don't know why your son hasn't called you. You need to ask him. Tony, I don't know why John hasn't called you. You need to ask him.

This. It absolutely works.

I would tell him to pull that long stick out of his ass and start doing shit or time for divorce.

I don’t know that you are a control freak, OP, but I do wonder if you would be okay with him doing these things however he wanted to do them, or if you have specific ways that you want them done.

He needs to invest his bonus. Can he invest it anywhere? Or is there a specific place you want to put it?
He needs to schedule plans with his mom or sister. Can he do that anytime he is free? Or do you have other obligations on his time where he needs to watch the kids so you can do something, or there is another social thing, or you wanted to have family time or date night or whatever.
He needs to get something repaired around the house. Can he do it however he wants to? Can he try to do it himself or hire whoever he wants to? Or does he need to call a specific person who has done it before, and you know exactly who that is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’ll probably change if you put out more.

Ha ha exactly. From the sound of OP she never puts out ever. Just complains and complains and complains.

Why would anyone put out for a DH who doesn't do anything? It's so unsexy.

Oh just stop. This is entirely on her. If he doesn’t engage with his family or invest his own money then that’s all on him. She’s clearly a control freak. And THAT is super unsexy.

OP is clearly a neurotic control freak. She can’t be easy to live with, which is why her DH gives her false assurances he’ll do various insignificant things just to get her to shut up and go away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can just keep being resentful or you can accept that he needs you to put some scaffolds in place. Instead of “assigning” tasks, set aside a block of time where you BOTH can work on the unsexy stuff—the bill paying, responses to invitations, calls to parent, etc. Meet at the kitchen table on Sunday from 8-9pm. Put it on the calendar. Write it in bold and post on the fridge and bathroom mirror: Weekly check in tonight 8pm Kitchen Table. Both of you have their phone and laptop there. Just get it all done sitting there together. Make a list and cross off items as you get them done. Make that time sacred. Then you can have a glass of wine together and have some sex. Or just go to bed. The bottom line is that you both need some structure.

Uh, no. This is still her being his mommy.

I guess you’re right. But at least she’s not doing the actual work. He’s sitting there responding to the emails, paying the bills, etc. She’s tried to do the reminding and getting pissed. It doesn’t work. What are you suggesting?

Set op same. I stopped the contact with his family years it's his job not mine but they now blame me. Tell your son to call you and come see you if he cares to not my job anymore.

I'm on the verge of leaving..

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, another "my inadequate" DH thread?

No pattern here right? There is a reason married women die sooner than single women.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is lacking executive functioning skills. It really sounds like he can’t plan out anything.

But since this is evidently not an issue at work, just a lame BS excuse.

Anonymous wrote:You can just keep being resentful or you can accept that he needs you to put some scaffolds in place. Instead of “assigning” tasks, set aside a block of time where you BOTH can work on the unsexy stuff—the bill paying, responses to invitations, calls to parent, etc. Meet at the kitchen table on Sunday from 8-9pm. Put it on the calendar. Write it in bold and post on the fridge and bathroom mirror: Weekly check in tonight 8pm Kitchen Table. Both of you have their phone and laptop there. Just get it all done sitting there together. Make a list and cross off items as you get them done. Make that time sacred. Then you can have a glass of wine together and have some sex. Or just go to bed. The bottom line is that you both need some structure.

Uh, no. This is still her being his mommy.

You can just keep being resentful or you can accept that he needs you to put some scaffolds in place. Instead of “assigning” tasks, set aside a block of time where you BOTH can work on the unsexy stuff—the bill paying, responses to invitations, calls to parent, etc. Meet at the kitchen table on Sunday from 8-9pm. Put it on the calendar. Write it in bold and post on the fridge and bathroom mirror: Weekly check in tonight 8pm Kitchen Table. Both of you have their phone and laptop there. Just get it all done sitting there together. Make a list and cross off items as you get them done. Make that time sacred. Then you can have a glass of wine together and have some sex. Or just go to bed. The bottom line is that you both need some structure.

Sorry, OP. This is why I divorced my ex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope with his family members. And especially his friends, WTF.

+1, I don't know why you ever dealt with his friends for him

+2

You have to treat this just like you would with a child, which is how he's behaving. Natural consequences. Stop doing anything that doesn't absolutely *have* to be done and let the chips fall where they may. Learned incompetence at home is such BS on the part of these guys who are perfectly competent at work. He's screwing you by saddling you with all of it, and full well knows it.

It sounds like he is lacking executive functioning skills. It really sounds like he can’t plan out anything.