Anonymous wrote:OP here. Seems this discussion went off the rails a little. For more context….I believe family is incredibly important and would like to keep my as in-tact as possible. However for a variety of reasons monogamy cannot be maintained in marriage. This is the case for a lot of married people they just choose to ignore it, or divorce over infidelity. I want to avoid that.

I am not talking about mentioning sex details to kids. I’m curious to learn from others who have engaged in extramarital relationships (I see this as beyond sex, but likely including sex) have navigated this with kids.

One of the things I’ve never understood is why we as a culture pretend like all of this doesn’t exist. A large portion of couples who’ve made it to 50 years of marriage did not make it there solely practicing monogamy. I’m looking for examples of how to handle this more honestly perhaps. It can also provide a realistic roadmap for kids. My kids are not little btw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a progressive community in CA with lots of "non-standard" relationships at the parent level--throuples, etc. The kids took it in stride and seemed mostly fine. This same community also had lots of really wealthy kids, many with divorced or workaholic parents or parents having extramarital affairs. Those kids really had some issues.

You can't really know that your peers, who were children when you were (if you "grew up" around the same time) were or still are "mostly fine."

Not commenting on the "non-standard" relationships per se, at all. Just noting here that saying "I grew up around kids in these families and they took it in stride etc." really means little; you can't actually know how in-stride they took anything, or how they see things now that they are adults and presumably you're no longer around them, unless you stayed in the area.

This is the kind of "evidence" that's not only purely anecdotal, it's based on your childhood and teen years and on a place you maybe no longer live. Not great to trot out as an example for anything. Neither is your claim that the "wealthy" kids and those with divorced or workaholic parents etc. had issues then or have them now. A kid's or teen's recollections aren't terribly useful years later, unless you're recollecting your own family's stuff.

I agree with you 100%--I don't really know. That said, I am going to go out on a limb and say that childhood environment means I "know" a heck of a lot more about this that 90% of the people commenting on this thread, half of whom seem to view anything but monogamous vanilla sex as on par with cannibalism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a progressive community in CA with lots of "non-standard" relationships at the parent level--throuples, etc. The kids took it in stride and seemed mostly fine. This same community also had lots of really wealthy kids, many with divorced or workaholic parents or parents having extramarital affairs. Those kids really had some issues.

You can't really know that your peers, who were children when you were (if you "grew up" around the same time) were or still are "mostly fine."

Not commenting on the "non-standard" relationships per se, at all. Just noting here that saying "I grew up around kids in these families and they took it in stride etc." really means little; you can't actually know how in-stride they took anything, or how they see things now that they are adults and presumably you're no longer around them, unless you stayed in the area.

This is the kind of "evidence" that's not only purely anecdotal, it's based on your childhood and teen years and on a place you maybe no longer live. Not great to trot out as an example for anything. Neither is your claim that the "wealthy" kids and those with divorced or workaholic parents etc. had issues then or have them now. A kid's or teen's recollections aren't terribly useful years later, unless you're recollecting your own family's stuff.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Seems this discussion went off the rails a little. For more context….I believe family is incredibly important and would like to keep my as in-tact as possible. However for a variety of reasons monogamy cannot be maintained in marriage. This is the case for a lot of married people they just choose to ignore it, or divorce over infidelity. I want to avoid that.

I am not talking about mentioning sex details to kids. I’m curious to learn from others who have engaged in extramarital relationships (I see this as beyond sex, but likely including sex) have navigated this with kids.

One of the things I’ve never understood is why we as a culture pretend like all of this doesn’t exist. A large portion of couples who’ve made it to 50 years of marriage did not make it there solely practicing monogamy. I’m looking for examples of how to handle this more honestly perhaps. It can also provide a realistic roadmap for kids. My kids are not little btw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

People who don't think it's wrong and don't want to lie to their kids about who they're spending time with.

I get that boundaries really aren't your thing but your kids really don't need to know everything you do.

So because our boundaries are not identical you think I have none?

Cute.

I’ll decide what my kids need to know. Thanks.

Of course you will because you and your fetish are all that matters and your fetish isn't real or exciting if everyone including children are involved.

Discussing your sex life nis generally frowned upon and considered abusive by some.

But you do you

ENM isn’t a fetish.

Who is discussing sex life?

Keep showing your ignorance and assumptions. It’s funny.

It’s not a fetish but it IS about sex. Getting kids involved in that discussion is inappropriate IMO, just like discussing other sexual practices would be. I guess if there is a committed other relationship where the other partner will be introduced to the kids, then you might be more justified in explaining the relationship. But that’s also what makes ENM seem so weird - it’s hard enough to manage a step-parent situation. How can you possibly manage a 3rd party integrated into the family?

It’s often about sex but for many poly people it’s a need to have numerous close relationships (that can be intense and dramatic).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

Just tell the kids:

“Mommy is going away for a romantic beach weekend with Chad” or “Daddy has date-night with Larla at a hotel; he won’t be home until tomorrow.”

The kids do not need to know WHAT happened at the beach or motel.

Wow, that's some parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

Just tell the kids:

“Mommy is going away for a romantic beach weekend with Chad” or “Daddy has date-night with Larla at a hotel; he won’t be home until tomorrow.”

The kids do not need to know WHAT happened at the beach or motel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

People who don't think it's wrong and don't want to lie to their kids about who they're spending time with.

Oh, you are really sick. Nothing wrong with kids watching it then?

Well that’s quite a leap!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

People who don't think it's wrong and don't want to lie to their kids about who they're spending time with.

Oh, you are really sick. Nothing wrong with kids watching it then?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

People who don't think it's wrong and don't want to lie to their kids about who they're spending time with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

People who don't think it's wrong and don't want to lie to their kids about who they're spending time with.

I get that boundaries really aren't your thing but your kids really don't need to know everything you do.

So because our boundaries are not identical you think I have none?

Cute.

I’ll decide what my kids need to know. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re in an open marriage, do your kids know?

Why would someone EVER tell your kids this!!!???

People who don't think it's wrong and don't want to lie to their kids about who they're spending time with.

I get that boundaries really aren't your thing but your kids really don't need to know everything you do.

So because our boundaries are not identical you think I have none?

Cute.

I’ll decide what my kids need to know. Thanks.

Of course you will because you and your fetish are all that matters and your fetish isn't real or exciting if everyone including children are involved.

Discussing your sex life nis generally frowned upon and considered abusive by some.

But you do you

ENM isn’t a fetish.

Who is discussing sex life?

Keep showing your ignorance and assumptions. It’s funny.

It’s not a fetish but it IS about sex. Getting kids involved in that discussion is inappropriate IMO, just like discussing other sexual practices would be. I guess if there is a committed other relationship where the other partner will be introduced to the kids, then you might be more justified in explaining the relationship. But that’s also what makes ENM seem so weird - it’s hard enough to manage a step-parent situation. How can you possibly manage a 3rd party integrated into the family?