Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they marry, she becomes your family member. She could be the one helping you in old age. She could be the decider of how often grandchildren can visit. If you can visit for thanksgiving etc.

Be honest but mindful and kind.

Right OP. Let your son and his GF dictate the rules and walk all over you on the off chance that they get married and you need them in 30 years.

Treating someone as a potential family member and being kind and doesn't mean you can't set boundaries and must let them walk all over you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time for him to move out.

+1

OP here. Absolutely, but I don't see that happening until he graduates and that's a couple years away. He seems very uncomcerned with having a work history, too.

Why can’t he get an apartment now? Is this just a summer thing or does he live at home while he’s attending school?

Anonymous wrote:I am going to disagree with everyone else, as I think you will drive him out of your house. Sure, you won't see her anymore, but you'll also lose your son.

I would ask your son what's his end game? Does he intend to marry this girl, or is he just an excuse for her to escape her bad home life? And if he does intend to marry her you need to stop kicking her out. And if they are so close, how do you not know more about it? We have helped our kids friends in a bad situation before - maybe this girl needs a place to be safe, and your son is just the current out.

He should be out of her house! He’s 22!

Anonymous wrote:If they marry, she becomes your family member. She could be the one helping you in old age. She could be the decider of how often grandchildren can visit. If you can visit for thanksgiving etc.

Be honest but mindful and kind.

Right OP. Let your son and his GF dictate the rules and walk all over you on the off chance that they get married and you need them in 30 years.

Maybe he needs to live in his own place instead of at home?

They are 22, still in college so guessing they are seniors and will be done in a year and working. Help them get employed, get married and rent an apartment. Ask them to get part time jobs.

If they marry, she becomes your family member. She could be the one helping you in old age. She could be the decider of how often grandchildren can visit. If you can visit for thanksgiving etc.

Be honest but mindful and kind.

Anonymous wrote:I was that girl. Home life was bad so I was always happy to hand out at my bf’s. Can’t believe how clueless I was and how my parents didn’t clue me in. I did listen to a direct request to not live there and I wasn’t offended. Just tell her directly.

This^. She may not even know that she isn't welcome.

I was that girl. Home life was bad so I was always happy to hand out at my bf’s. Can’t believe how clueless I was and how my parents didn’t clue me in. I did listen to a direct request to not live there and I wasn’t offended. Just tell her directly.

Kick him out. It is time for you to give him a push so he can be an adult and have a real girlfriend. He is at a crosshairs between being the adult he should be and the man child you are encouraging. The issue is not the girlfriend. That is totally normal. The issue is that you are allowing him to live in your house like he is 14.

Your issue is with him [excuses], not with her. Sorry she’s not as easy to blame. You might have to actually, GASP, set boundaries with your own son, even though he has the convenient excuse of HFA.

OP - Getting change going without your DH being on the same page is going to be difficult. Maybe you should find a counselor who could have a couple of sessions with you both so that you can explain to your husband how you are feeling and how the current lifestyle is only enabling your oldest son and preventing him from continuing to gain independence and a life of his own. You both could benefit from strategies in how to reshape "home life." On the girl friend, DS needs to be told clearly what the rules for having her over are, and that if he wants to spend more time together, they can do so out of the house or over at her house. He obviously can work enough to cover expenses which are important to him, but you realize that he is not bothering to extend his work hours to cover typical "dating or socializing" costs as your home is at no cost. Being on the spectrum is no excuse for his rude behavior in not following your house rules.

“Your feelings matter but my feelings matter too. I am feeling like I can never relax in my own house because you have guests over all day every day. We are going to compromise because I know you like having her over. She is welcome here X days per week for X hours per day. She will need to leave by X. If you do not respect this boundary, she will no longer be welcome here.”

If they have that kind of time to hang out, they have time to get jobs.

Anonymous wrote:Why are you babying your son? They are old enough to get married so insist that he proposes and drive them down to the courthouse.

+1. They have no need to hang out at your house like they are teenagers. Time for them to grow up.