My husband and I both have flexible jobs, but we use that flexibility judiciously. I do not go to every single school event, field trip, sport’s competition, etc. just because I can.

Find kid dentists and pediatricians with evening or weekend appointments. They exist. You or your spouse should be there to hear feedback. If your child has a regular therapy appointment 1-3x a week for speech, PT, etc. I think it’s ok to send a grandparent or babysitter. I would arrange with the therapist that you will attend on a set interval- once a month? Every 2 weeks?

My kids are elementary age and pretty independent. If your kids are anxious,
high maintenance, or younger this may not work. We occasionally both have early meetings in person and we send our kids to a neighbor’s home after breakfast until it’s time to walk to school. Same with evening events and dinners - sometimes a neighbor gets our kids from extended day. Sometimes grandparents or a babysitter pick them up and take them to sports. This occurs once a week on average. In exchange I pick a day off school that is not a federal holiday 2-3 times a year and take off work. I offer to host the children of the neighbors who help me out for an all-day play date so those parents can work. If I’m gone before they wake up, I am home for dinner that night. If I know I won’t get home before they are asleep, I make breakfast and walk them to school that day.

We try to have at least 1 parent at any sports competition. If we cannot go, my parents attend. We do not go to all practices and use car pools to share the burden. My husband and I try to each attend 1 school day event or chaperone 1 field trip per kid, per school year.

I grew up as an only child of parents who were always available. My dad worked 7-4 at a factory. My mom was a teacher. My parents had hobbies. They were both frequently gone in the evening for book club, golf league, garden club, bible study, or just to go on a date. They left me at my grandparents house one weekend a month and 1-2 week in the summer. They both had jobs that they could not leave mid-day without taking a day off. They never came to any school-day events or field trips.

My husband grew up with a dad who commuted to Manhattan from NJ and he was never home before 7:30pm. His dad would try to come to 1 weeknight sporting event per kid, per season. His mom wasn’t always there because she had to also take his younger sisters to their events. Multiple times when his dad was working for a foreign company, his mom would go to London or Munich for 1-2 weeks during the school year and leave the kids with a babysitter.

We are both well adjusted adults with close relationships with our parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

How on earth do you get to 10 doctor and dentist appointments per year? Our two kids get their annual checkups at a single appointment with their flu shot. Plus two teeth cleanings, also at the same time. That's three appointments, and we try to book for 8 AM so we're at work shortly after. Our au pair will handle kid transport to and from so we can go back to work immediately. We haven't had a sick appointment in a couple of years, but that's mostly luck.

3 kids - so 6 dental appointments total (could hopefully stack them into one visit seeing all 3 later…don’t currently bc don’t want to entertain 1 and 3yo for 2 other kid appts), annual doctor visit for the older two and 2x doctor visit for the baby. Only oldest is in school and school has 6 performances a year (whyyyyy) so that number will grow. I also have IBD which is 4x doc visits a year for me and 2x dental. And all that’s assuming no one ever needs a sick visit

Your 1 and 3 yo go to the dentist for check ups twice a year? I think this is an exaggeration. For routine appointments, you should be able to schedule them early or late in the day so they don't interfere with work, or on holidays as others have suggested.

What?

Twice a year is standard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a baby but are worried a lot about how it will be during the school-age years. I think you should focus on your current situation and not hypothetical school plays in the future. Also, 10 doctor’s appointments in a year is a lot and doesn’t make sense outside of the baby years (even then it sounds too high). Plus there are things like pediatric urgent care with hours that don’t interfere with an average work day. I have 3 kids and there are rarely school events during the day (and many parents don’t go to them because they work). When your child is older, you can choose whether to have them do activities or not, and what kind based on your schedule.

This just sounds like you’re finding something to worry about.

Also please tell me what school your kids are in (seriously) my kindergartner had 6 10AM performances this year plus 2 day time parent teacher meetings. Half of that was grade specific so when I have one in 2nd and one in K - it’ll be 12 daytime events if I get to them all

NP, but my 1st grader had zero in person day time events this year during the work week. There was a talent show on a friday night and a saturday art fair. Parent teacher conferences were via zoom and I skipped the book fair and field day because it didn't seem like he cared. Last year in K, he had one additional even, K graduation.

(1) I don't know your field, but have you considered working for yourself? Consulting, starting your own business, etc? For me, and many other moms I know, this is the way we got the flexibility we needed without compromising on the work side. Over the past few years, I got to build the exact kind of org I want to work for, and now manage a team of 30 and do meaningful and interesting work.

(2) I think it's not about any specific performance or Dr's appointment, but the overall pattern. At a minimum, every kid needs a stable long-term presence - someone who loves them, makes time for them, is there for them. If that's a grandparent OR the kind of nanny that stays for a long time, the kid will be fine. But there's also the question of what kind of relationship you want with your kids...I don't think there's any way to grow up and have a close relationship without you being that person investing a lot of time into your kids.

WE are a two career fam, always have been. Kids are now 11 and 14.

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts. NO - we go to all doc appointments ourselves.
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance. YES- we can't make it to everything, but we try to make it to most things. You have to prioritize, there are a million things.
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either). NO, not okay with this. One of us is usually home for dinner and to get them off in the mornings. Both of us are home for dinner two or three times per week. I would not be okay with someone else routinely putting my kids to bed or getting them to school.


I was a government lawyer for 10 years and had lots of flexibility while DH had a more demanding career. We're now high enough up that we both have a good bit of flexibility. The bottom line is that one or both of us have made career choices to ensure that someone has flexibility for kid-stuff. You can find a job that is both interesting and flexible. Maybe not the MOST interesting or the MOST prestigious/high paying but enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a baby but are worried a lot about how it will be during the school-age years. I think you should focus on your current situation and not hypothetical school plays in the future. Also, 10 doctor’s appointments in a year is a lot and doesn’t make sense outside of the baby years (even then it sounds too high). Plus there are things like pediatric urgent care with hours that don’t interfere with an average work day. I have 3 kids and there are rarely school events during the day (and many parents don’t go to them because they work). When your child is older, you can choose whether to have them do activities or not, and what kind based on your schedule.

This just sounds like you’re finding something to worry about.

Also please tell me what school your kids are in (seriously) my kindergartner had 6 10AM performances this year plus 2 day time parent teacher meetings. Half of that was grade specific so when I have one in 2nd and one in K - it’ll be 12 daytime events if I get to them all

Why aren't parent teacher conferences virtual? I think it would be easier on the teachers as well as the parents. Getting into school is awful- parking is hell, signing in and security.

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

None of that would be okay with me. DH and I often go back to work from 8pm-midnight, but we still make sure we spend 5pm-8pm with our kids. I'd cancel on pretty much anyone to be at one of my kids' performances. The only reason one of us misses a performance is if our kids' schedules conflict. DH was at a sports playoff with DS while I was at DD's dance performance. And we were both upset we missed the other.

Things that I let go:
-cleaning my house myself
-cooking dinner myself
-yardwork
-errands (I even paid someone to go get new tires put on my car)
-both of us are not always there for the morning routine. Sometimes one of us needs to get into work at 5am or so.
-kids only get 1 or 2 activities at a time or none (bless my youngest for not liking activities)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

How on earth do you get to 10 doctor and dentist appointments per year? Our two kids get their annual checkups at a single appointment with their flu shot. Plus two teeth cleanings, also at the same time. That's three appointments, and we try to book for 8 AM so we're at work shortly after. Our au pair will handle kid transport to and from so we can go back to work immediately. We haven't had a sick appointment in a couple of years, but that's mostly luck.

3 kids - so 6 dental appointments total (could hopefully stack them into one visit seeing all 3 later…don’t currently bc don’t want to entertain 1 and 3yo for 2 other kid appts), annual doctor visit for the older two and 2x doctor visit for the baby. Only oldest is in school and school has 6 performances a year (whyyyyy) so that number will grow. I also have IBD which is 4x doc visits a year for me and 2x dental. And all that’s assuming no one ever needs a sick visit

Your 1 and 3 yo go to the dentist for check ups twice a year? I think this is an exaggeration. For routine appointments, you should be able to schedule them early or late in the day so they don't interfere with work, or on holidays as others have suggested.

Here’s what I would do in a perfect world - you have to choose what works for you:

Have a great nanny/housekeeper. Someone who’s more than a nanny, but can also keep your house, do errands, chauffeur your kids, and do meal prep/light cooking.

Prioritize annual physicals and the big school stuff - annual concert, etc. NOT the volunteering at every event stuff. Skip the volunteering, have your nanny do routine dentist appointments.

Prioritize half of the sporting events. Just one parents attends. The other half, manage a good carpool.

Prioritize eating dinner together once your kids are in elementary school.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a baby but are worried a lot about how it will be during the school-age years. I think you should focus on your current situation and not hypothetical school plays in the future. Also, 10 doctor’s appointments in a year is a lot and doesn’t make sense outside of the baby years (even then it sounds too high). Plus there are things like pediatric urgent care with hours that don’t interfere with an average work day. I have 3 kids and there are rarely school events during the day (and many parents don’t go to them because they work). When your child is older, you can choose whether to have them do activities or not, and what kind based on your schedule.

This just sounds like you’re finding something to worry about.

Also please tell me what school your kids are in (seriously) my kindergartner had 6 10AM performances this year plus 2 day time parent teacher meetings. Half of that was grade specific so when I have one in 2nd and one in K - it’ll be 12 daytime events if I get to them all

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a baby but are worried a lot about how it will be during the school-age years. I think you should focus on your current situation and not hypothetical school plays in the future. Also, 10 doctor’s appointments in a year is a lot and doesn’t make sense outside of the baby years (even then it sounds too high). Plus there are things like pediatric urgent care with hours that don’t interfere with an average work day. I have 3 kids and there are rarely school events during the day (and many parents don’t go to them because they work). When your child is older, you can choose whether to have them do activities or not, and what kind based on your schedule.

This just sounds like you’re finding something to worry about.

I have 3 kids - i was able to stick with my “rules” through the first 2 because they were little with no daytime events and I could work like crazy during work hours and still spend several hours a day with them . Now the oldest hit K this year so lots of school events plus needed a million appointments for a neuropsych eval (which resulted in a whole lot of no issues but was a tremendous time and mental energy suck) and my system for it fell apart to personally cover all daytime events and mornings and evenings and still do good work

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a baby but are worried a lot about how it will be during the school-age years. I think you should focus on your current situation and not hypothetical school plays in the future. Also, 10 doctor’s appointments in a year is a lot and doesn’t make sense outside of the baby years (even then it sounds too high). Plus there are things like pediatric urgent care with hours that don’t interfere with an average work day. I have 3 kids and there are rarely school events during the day (and many parents don’t go to them because they work). When your child is older, you can choose whether to have them do activities or not, and what kind based on your schedule.

This just sounds like you’re finding something to worry about.

NP. I had similar worries that I voiced to my therapist and she suggested I only focus on the now. DH and I both have jobs that we enjoy and have some degree of flexibility, probably not DCUM wealthy but we are happy. We have a wonderful nanny that makes things easier for us.

It sounds like you have a baby but are worried a lot about how it will be during the school-age years. I think you should focus on your current situation and not hypothetical school plays in the future. Also, 10 doctor’s appointments in a year is a lot and doesn’t make sense outside of the baby years (even then it sounds too high). Plus there are things like pediatric urgent care with hours that don’t interfere with an average work day. I have 3 kids and there are rarely school events during the day (and many parents don’t go to them because they work). When your child is older, you can choose whether to have them do activities or not, and what kind based on your schedule.

This just sounds like you’re finding something to worry about.

15:05, you sound like us. It's not perfect, but it's worked for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

I massively empathize with you, OP. I honestly think that finding a balance you don't feel some guilt about isn't possible as a working mom, unless you are the rare person who feels no guilt about anything, and if you are, please show me your ways. I have made huge sacrifices to my professional potential to strive toward being the mom I want to be and I still don't achieve it. There is a quote that basically says, "We are the daughters of the women who told us we could be anything, and we heard 'You have to be everything.'" That is me - trying to work like my breadwinner dad and parent like my SAHM. It's exhausting.

Me again -- yes you do probably have a husband problem but I often think it must be refreshing for a dad to be able to take that stance with basically no guilt because he knows if push comes to shove, his wife will pick up the slack to do right by the kids.