Anonymous wrote:I know several men and women, but there's a combination of messed up upbringing, abuse, culture, autism, depression, and who knows what else.
No interest in friends and outside world unless they are going with family. I'm being asked now to watch out for one of the mother's (and father) who created this unhealthy dynamic. The grown sons living with them are not happy at all, but they are going nowhere.

But this is what happens with autism. Many autistic people are very fearful. It's a disability. Would you say the same thing about down syndrome? They often live with their parents too.

My friend moved far away and her sister stayed with mom. Mom came to visit my friend and stayed for a year, and guess what? The other sister immediately got herself a boyfriend! She didn’t have kids but now when the mom is gone she is in the same enmeshed situation with her boyfriend it seems.

Yes this is a form of family dysfunction in many cases. Eric Berne said that parents influence the way we live life (“do it like I do”) but some give you the “key” to escape and some don’t. That’s why some people move out even from an enmeshed parenting situation and some don’t.
There are SN too, and just mutually convenient situations, but a lot of it is guilt and having to take emotional care of a parent.

This is exactly what happened with a cousin of mine. She’s in her early 40’s and lives with her mom who is her best friend. They do everything together. They vacation together, spend the whole weekend and every weeknight together, and rarely have room for other people.

Her mom never recovered from a divorce that happened when my cousin was about 10. Her dad went on to marry again and had been happily married for 30 years now (no kids other than his 2!from first marriage.) Mom is very overweight and my cousin struggles with this too. In her 20’s, she never dated. I actually set her up with a good friend of mine who was near her age and he REALLY liked her and she loved having a boyfriend…posted about him all the time on FB, seriously ALL the time, but the weird thing was that she rarely ever saw him because she was literally busy with her mom nearly every night: Monday is laundry and binge-watching a show night, every Friday is bake brownies together night, every Saturday they do their Costco run which apparently lasted all day and then they d need the evening to unpack and unwind together. My friend even offered to go over and bake brownies with them, but my cousin said that her mom felt uncomfortable with that and didn’t want to change their tradition.

They broke up, unsurprisingly, after a few months…the surprise was that it lasted that long, really. That spring, our family had several weddings and occasions where most people brought a spouse or SO, and my
Cousin was happy my friend would be on her arm. But aside from those public occasions, she never had time for him. It’s not like my friend’s mom wouldn’t outright say, “I don’t want you dating him” but she laid such a thick fence of guilt and obligation and “woe is me” talk that my cousin gave up her one viable chance of romance and maybe even a family someday.

(My friend is now married and has a 3yo.)

I was mad at my cousin’s mom for a long time because of all her guilt and manipulation. But my cousin is n her early 40’s now. She could leave but she has chosen this. I worry for when her mom dies…she will be so alone…but this is the fate her mom chose for her and she went along with. It’s hard to fathom, but I think ny cousin’s mom has been terrified of being alone so much since the divorce that she raised a companion for herself, not a daughter.

I work in a hospital and many, many patients live with their adult kids. Honestly, I don’t knock it. These are mutually supportive relationships and I only see a problem if the adult child is literally dependent on their parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this cultural? My uncle and his wife lived in the same house as my grandparents until my grandparents died in their 90s - eg. almost all their life. Admittedly they had the upstairs and my grandparents had the downstairs so separate living areas but nothing wrong with this arrangement.

Totally fine for an adult to live with their parents. (I wouldn't want to do it with mine but that's because they actually WERE abusive.)

+1 and as housing becomes more and more unaffordable the multigenerational household is going to get a lot more common.

We had neighbors in the 80s-90s whose daughter moved home when she divorced with a small child. She appreciated the support and help with her daughter, she later cared for her aging parents. My mom and sister recently bought a house together after my dad died so they could live together. When my mom grew up she lived in a duplex where she and her parents were in the upstairs unit while her grandparents and unmarried aunt lived in the unit below her. It can foster close relationships, if everyone gets along, and is more the norm for human relationships than the independence-for-all model of the last half century or so.

💯

Anonymous wrote:This is how most of the world lives if a daughter or son doesn’t get married

Yeah, even in many European countries.

Moving out asap is a very narrow subset of northwest euro behavior

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:our son (28) is like that. educated, employed, and too comfortable. we don't push or pull and he is not showing any signs of wanting to move out. he is saving good money though. we don't charge expenses/rent either

you're enabling him to be dependent, as an adult. That's not really attractive for a woman for a ltr, either.

Being to make a down payment on a nice home is attractive to many women.

Anonymous wrote:For the daughter they have a window 20-30 to find a wealthy man and it's harder for unattractive women

Why is marriage the standard you propose for young women? Seriously, check yourself and reconsider your antiquated thinking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

Yes, of course always the mom's fault. Also, if they are adults how is it "child abuse?"

MYOB

Exactly! Why do you even care to talk about other people, OP? You don't know what happens in other people's homes or minds. MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:I’m afraid of this happening with DD24. Moved home after college graduation, took a few temp jobs. Finally got a job offer, accepted and is trying to save money. We charge her modest amt of rent that we set aside for future apartment deposit. It’s going to take a while.

You need to give her a deadline. By then, she needs to move out, even if it's with roommates.

And hopefully while she's living with you she does ALL her own laundry, contributes to other house chores, meals, pays her own cellphone bill, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this cultural? My uncle and his wife lived in the same house as my grandparents until my grandparents died in their 90s - eg. almost all their life. Admittedly they had the upstairs and my grandparents had the downstairs so separate living areas but nothing wrong with this arrangement.

Totally fine for an adult to live with their parents. (I wouldn't want to do it with mine but that's because they actually WERE abusive.)

+1 and as housing becomes more and more unaffordable the multigenerational household is going to get a lot more common.

We had neighbors in the 80s-90s whose daughter moved home when she divorced with a small child. She appreciated the support and help with her daughter, she later cared for her aging parents. My mom and sister recently bought a house together after my dad died so they could live together. When my mom grew up she lived in a duplex where she and her parents were in the upstairs unit while her grandparents and unmarried aunt lived in the unit below her. It can foster close relationships, if everyone gets along, and is more the norm for human relationships than the independence-for-all model of the last half century or so.

Two of my cousins (one male, one female) lived with their parents well into adulthood. The daughter got her own place in her early 30s but the son still lives there. He is gainfully employed and a great guy but there may be some mental issues? He is the baby of the family. But a lot of the motivation for not feeling a big push to move is that their father was disabled. Having more people around to help was very helpful for the mother. The daughter moved out after her father died. The son still living there is helpful to take care of pets while mom (now retired) is traveling and they seem to enjoy each others' company. There are two other siblings in the family who moved out after college and are married with kids. Sure, son living at home is a little odd but they are happy with the arrangement.

I’m afraid of this happening with DD24. Moved home after college graduation, took a few temp jobs. Finally got a job offer, accepted and is trying to save money. We charge her modest amt of rent that we set aside for future apartment deposit. It’s going to take a while.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know families where this happened? I know several: overbearing mothers who never let their daughters grow up/become independent. When the daughters are in the thirties and forties, they still live with their moms. The ones I know all work, but didn’t marry and never developed emotional independence. I think it’s a form of child abuse.

The only cases where I have seen it there was undiagnosed or untreated mental illness.

Sounds like my sister. She is engaged (after a divorce - no kids). She loves with her fiancé but has a really weird relationship with my parents. They take her on vacations for her birthday (w/o fiancé) and she lives in the same apartment complex. She’ll take my father’s computer and go through his Facebook. Like I said, it’s weird. She’s also unable to keep a job for more than a year. She’ll go crazy at work (she’s had an entire office of people refuse to work with her) and get fired and then my parents will call her employer and threaten to sue. It’s definitely a weird narcissistic thing. My parents are unhappy and want to feel needed and my sister is crazy. I’ve