Anonymous
Post 06/21/2023 14:35     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?
How much of that are you saving?


We max out two retirements, $13k/year into a 529 for our five year old, then save all the RSUs so after taxes that’ll be $300k in an S&P spread…then after that it’s about $4k a month in savings so give or take $48k cash that goes into a betterment account annually.


that sounds like a good allocation, but if historical money insecurity is at the base of his anxiety, the bulk of your assets are in various mutual funds or stocks and not particularly liquid. and for his mental accounting, he may in fact reclassify that as "untouchable" just so he doesn't stress about daily market fluctuations.

it might be good come up with a solid plan between you that outlines your monthly cash obligations (don't forget to include quarterly estimated tax payments, real estate taxes, & insurance on top of monthly utilities and mortgage), add on some good percentage for "fun", and then discuss how many months you want to keep in a cash account and how to schedule replenishment.

my spouse and i have a joint account that we transfer cash to monthly and which our joint obligations are paid out of. we both pay off our own credit cards money out of our own salaries.

my financial advisor checks in with me if my cash funds get below about four months reserves, and we work out if anything needs to be liquidated. usually i might liquidate enough to have a 8 months to a years worth of cash on hand.

presumably if your spouse has run into financial difficulties it would show up in his credit card or bank statements. but i suspect it's more general anxiety with a helping of not feeling like he's contributing equally to the family.


I’m the pp from last night with the history of anxiety and economic insecurity. I agree with these strategies but recommend coming to an agreement on a specific monthly dollar amount (not a percentage) that YOU can spend on whatever you choose, no questions asked. This gives you some money to spend without him being in your business all the time. Your end of the bargain is to honor the dollar figure you agree to, and to not spend a penny over. This will make your DH feel calm and secure.


+1 except I would do it as a percentage and have it for both of you. We will automatically divert x% of each paycheck to a personal spending account for each of us. We can spend, invest, etc. that as we wish. I would 100% do separate accounts for this. The policy is no questions/judgments on that account. The dollar amount might freak someone out if it's "a lot" but if you say 2% of each paycheck after all the pre-tax contributions to retirement, health care etc. it's hard to argue that it's breaking the bank.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2023 15:08     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?
How much of that are you saving?


We max out two retirements, $13k/year into a 529 for our five year old, then save all the RSUs so after taxes that’ll be $300k in an S&P spread…then after that it’s about $4k a month in savings so give or take $48k cash that goes into a betterment account annually.


that sounds like a good allocation, but if historical money insecurity is at the base of his anxiety, the bulk of your assets are in various mutual funds or stocks and not particularly liquid. and for his mental accounting, he may in fact reclassify that as "untouchable" just so he doesn't stress about daily market fluctuations.

it might be good come up with a solid plan between you that outlines your monthly cash obligations (don't forget to include quarterly estimated tax payments, real estate taxes, & insurance on top of monthly utilities and mortgage), add on some good percentage for "fun", and then discuss how many months you want to keep in a cash account and how to schedule replenishment.

my spouse and i have a joint account that we transfer cash to monthly and which our joint obligations are paid out of. we both pay off our own credit cards money out of our own salaries.

my financial advisor checks in with me if my cash funds get below about four months reserves, and we work out if anything needs to be liquidated. usually i might liquidate enough to have a 8 months to a years worth of cash on hand.

presumably if your spouse has run into financial difficulties it would show up in his credit card or bank statements. but i suspect it's more general anxiety with a helping of not feeling like he's contributing equally to the family.


I’m the pp from last night with the history of anxiety and economic insecurity. I agree with these strategies but recommend coming to an agreement on a specific monthly dollar amount (not a percentage) that YOU can spend on whatever you choose, no questions asked. This gives you some money to spend without him being in your business all the time. Your end of the bargain is to honor the dollar figure you agree to, and to not spend a penny over. This will make your DH feel calm and secure.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2023 11:52     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?
How much of that are you saving?


We max out two retirements, $13k/year into a 529 for our five year old, then save all the RSUs so after taxes that’ll be $300k in an S&P spread…then after that it’s about $4k a month in savings so give or take $48k cash that goes into a betterment account annually.


that sounds like a good allocation, but if historical money insecurity is at the base of his anxiety, the bulk of your assets are in various mutual funds or stocks and not particularly liquid. and for his mental accounting, he may in fact reclassify that as "untouchable" just so he doesn't stress about daily market fluctuations.

it might be good come up with a solid plan between you that outlines your monthly cash obligations (don't forget to include quarterly estimated tax payments, real estate taxes, & insurance on top of monthly utilities and mortgage), add on some good percentage for "fun", and then discuss how many months you want to keep in a cash account and how to schedule replenishment.

my spouse and i have a joint account that we transfer cash to monthly and which our joint obligations are paid out of. we both pay off our own credit cards money out of our own salaries.

my financial advisor checks in with me if my cash funds get below about four months reserves, and we work out if anything needs to be liquidated. usually i might liquidate enough to have a 8 months to a years worth of cash on hand.

presumably if your spouse has run into financial difficulties it would show up in his credit card or bank statements. but i suspect it's more general anxiety with a helping of not feeling like he's contributing equally to the family.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 21:23     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?
How much of that are you saving?


We max out two retirements, $13k/year into a 529 for our five year old, then save all the RSUs so after taxes that’ll be $300k in an S&P spread…then after that it’s about $4k a month in savings so give or take $48k cash that goes into a betterment account annually.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 21:06     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?
How much of that are you saving?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 20:57     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up in a loving but economically insecure environment, and I also happen to have a lot of generalized anxiety. Although I don’t know if the same is true for your DH, I can see myself doing some the things your husband is doing. Whenever I’m stressed because my life is moving too quickly for me to be able to keep up, my instinct is to assert control over my environment by controlling my household’s spending. Having a week when I didn’t spend any money would be really calming and soothing to me, no matter how wealthy my circumstances. I can also see the sudden increase in your income as being the very thing that’s upset your DH’s equilibrium. Although it’s obviously a happy development for your family, it’s also a lot more ‘stuff’ for someone with anxiety to have to reign in.

Does any of this ring true if your DH’s case?



Wow this feels v spot on
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 20:44     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
OP, I grew up in a loving but economically insecure environment, and I also happen to have a lot of generalized anxiety. Although I don’t know if the same is true for your DH, I can see myself doing some the things your husband is doing. Whenever I’m stressed because my life is moving too quickly for me to be able to keep up, my instinct is to assert control over my environment by controlling my household’s spending. Having a week when I didn’t spend any money would be really calming and soothing to me, no matter how wealthy my circumstances. I can also see the sudden increase in your income as being the very thing that’s upset your DH’s equilibrium. Although it’s obviously a happy development for your family, it’s also a lot more ‘stuff’ for someone with anxiety to have to reign in.

Does any of this ring true if your DH’s case?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 20:18     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:My DH and I make a ton of money. It’s new to us but we’re on track to clear $900k this year with all of my RSUs and it could be closer to a million. For context, this amount is with a new job of mine but previously we’ve been clearing 400-500k for five years or so.

I have no idea where to put this in my head but he gets super nervous about spending now. He makes these broad announcements that “we’re not spending money this week.” Or he just walked into the living room and announced to me that next week on vacation I have to “be reasonable.”

For that one, I looked down at my target sundress laying on my decade old kid stained couch and I was like “please explain one instance where I wasn’t ‘reasonable’.” He of course can’t and just is like “you know what I mean!!” Which to be honest I DONT bc the minute I try to ask him what reasonable means to him he gets all flustered.

Not only is it annoying but it really gets me going when I’m the one clearing $750k, please look me in the eye and tell me not to go clothes shopping on vacation. I feel it would be pretty rude to point this out to him but I’m right on the edge. There is no history of either of us being spenders or flashy at all. Our biggest splurge is a house in Chevy Chase. Outside of that it’s seven year old cars and target runs.

Has anyone experienced a spouse getting more controlling about money the more you have?


Who manages the money? Keeps track of expenses, investments, etc? You, him or neither? I'm leaning towards neither. It also appears that you are mixing finances, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

I'd sit with him and create or discuss the existing budget and spend levels so you both are on the same page about annual expenses.
Same goes for investments and net worth. How much do you have, how much will you have in 5, 10, 15 and 20 years? Is it enough to generate income that will surpass your annual spend levels? Do you have enough life and other insurance should something go wrong?
Assuming you are not spendthrifts (you don't sound like it) a significant chunk of your income should be going towards savings and increasing investments. Agree on a number that you will spend out of your savings on whatever.. For example, if you have been making $500K each year, spending $150K and saving $200K (the rest going to taxes) that is a healthy savings number that should be sort of a baseline for savings. Anything above that should be fair game for spending - clothes, cars, vacations, etc. If you can't do this yourselves, find an advisor to break the good news to DH. I think your DH is not used to a lot of money and is panicking that something might go wrong.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 20:16     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
He’s bugging her about spending so he has a secret gambling addiction?

Never change DCUM
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 19:34     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has a gambling problem.


+1. 100% a secret gambling problem


This isn't just baseless, it's dangerous. I guess you just like to screw with the lives of strangers on the internet for shits and giggles?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 19:11     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
I'm 100% positive some of the claims on this thread have no basis in reality. I mean let's be honest here, it's an anonymous message board, you can say and make up anything you want. Lol
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 19:02     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
You should start a secret bank account where you just have your money and can be left in peace
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 14:34     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has a gambling problem.


+1. 100% a secret gambling problem


I don't think 100% means what you think it means.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 14:05     Subject: DHs random money anxiety
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? My husband is the same but he makes 5x times what I do (we clear 7 figures easily).

You need to spend every dollar you bring in. And then once you’ve accumulated all the stuff divorce the jackhole. Because you’ll pay a ton in alimony otherwise.



Does this advice apply to your husband as well? He needs to spend every dollar he brings in and then divorce you?

Alimony is based on income, so spending it won't change that.

Also the "stuff" is still marital asset unless it is consumed.


No, because I don’t make him justify his spending?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 14:05     Subject: Re:DHs random money anxiety
A secret gambling or drug problem would be my nightmare. Any way to check his spending to make sure this isn’t an issue?