Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:43     Subject: Re:Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)


Or she knows that DH can't say no to his family without the ILs making him feel guilty and, once again, they are being imposed upon because his ILs are too cheap to pay for help.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:43     Subject: Re:Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)


Nope, her follow up indicates that this is an additional issue/problem, and that's all. I know some of you are REALLY determined to turn threads back on the OP no matter how much you have to twist yourselves into pretzels, and it's really tiresome. Give it a rest, folks.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:42     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s my BIL and SIL. Can’t politely decline or say I’m unavailable. It’s frustrating because I know they can afford to hire movers, they’re just too cheap and would rather rely in free help from family and friends.

It’s my husband’s younger brother so he’s spending all day there helping him when we have shit we need to get done here to prepare for the work week.


Jealousy is really the issue right?


You must not be married. Anyone who is married gets why she is annoyed.


I'm married and I don't get it.

Sometimes my DH spend a weekend day doing something with his brother or with one of his friends. If it were every weekend, I'd be annoyed, but otherwise of course it is fine. I too sometimes take days on the weekend to do things while DH holds down the fort at home.

Spending a day helping a family member with something is an extremely normal reason that sometimes married people are away from each other, I am not seeing the issue.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:39     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:39     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, I don’t help with moving. Can I drop by with lunch?”


They aren't buying lunch for their helpers? If I was having people working for free, I wouldn't expect someone else to pay for their lunch and drinks.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:38     Subject: Re:Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:38     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, I don’t help with moving. Can I drop by with lunch?”


Why does she need to drop by with lunch? DH is helping them. You don’t need to RSVP, OP. Say nothing.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:33     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
“Sorry, I don’t help with moving. Can I drop by with lunch?”
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:32     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:You say sorry my old back can’t take it.
If you are over 25, you need to hire movers or donor yourself. No one in their 40s wants to help anyone move for pizza and beer. Nope. Just say no. Don’t be a doormat. The person is obviously a user and knew how to phrase it to try to “make you feel guilty”.


This. Just laugh and say you are past the point of helping people move for lunch.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:31     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
"Sorry, my back and knees can't take that any more. Justin and I hired movers to move into our current house."
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:29     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s my BIL and SIL. Can’t politely decline or say I’m unavailable. It’s frustrating because I know they can afford to hire movers, they’re just too cheap and would rather rely in free help from family and friends.

It’s my husband’s younger brother so he’s spending all day there helping him when we have shit we need to get done here to prepare for the work week.


Jealousy is really the issue right?


You must not be married. Anyone who is married gets why she is annoyed.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:22     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.


Hell to the NO.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:21     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:“Sorry. I’m too old for that $hit”. No further explanation


“Yeah, no, I can’t. Once I hit my 30th birthday, I vowed I’d never ask anyone to move me or to participate in it.”
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:19     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:DH is already making your family’s contribution. You will be supporting him by doing all your family’s chores and errands.

And have lunch delivered.

That’s it.


Hopefully he does a bad job banging walls up and breaking things. Because that's why you hire professionals. And maybe he won't be asked again.
Anonymous
Post 06/11/2023 13:19     Subject: Expecting people to help you move in your forties?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s my BIL and SIL. Can’t politely decline or say I’m unavailable. It’s frustrating because I know they can afford to hire movers, they’re just too cheap and would rather rely in free help from family and friends.

It’s my husband’s younger brother so he’s spending all day there helping him when we have shit we need to get done here to prepare for the work week.


Jealousy is really the issue right?