Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 14:32     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Around a year ago my (now) 16 year old DD started going out with this boy, who I will call 'John.' At first, me and my husband did not think about it a lot because it was just a high school boyfriend, but over the past 4 months they have been getting much closer and he has become a regular fixture in our house.

The problem is that me and DH dont like him. He can be very sweet, but he has moments where he will get unreasonably angry over the smallest things. For example, around a month ago my 98 year old great aunt visited for dinner one night and a couple of local relatives came over. We told DD and him that we were having a family get together a week in advance, and that we wanted it to just be a family affair. There were a couple of reasons for this (that we explained to them), most notably that she is elderly and not in the best health so we were trying to minimize the risk of illness transmission. Fast forward to the day in question, and he stops by after their school (totally fine - the event started at 6:30). At around 6, we (politely) asked if he would go home and he freaked out, screaming at us that he thought we had reconsidered. This, of course, got DD begging us to let him stay. Ultimately, he and DD left (presumably to go to his home). This isnt a one-time event, but this was the worst.

Now, I would understand if John came from a rough home, but he has loving parents and has a good homelife, I just think he is clingy and almost obsessive.

I know DD is old enough to make her own choices, and I don't want to butt in, but I am at the end of my rope, and I just have no interest in having to deal with him. I also am worried because I can see shades of my ex-husband, who I loved to bits, but was physically abusive when he got wound up. John has never gotten physical with DD (or us), but has gotten close especially with DH, getting all up in his face, which can be intimidating because he is a bigger kid and can be quite imposing.

How would you handle this?


Set very strict behavioral boundaries at home with this guy. If there is any way possible to get your daughter to talk to a therapist, I would do so. I have a son with ADHD and who was very oppositional up until he was about 12. We worked hard on it, but he can manage his anger. This guy sounds like he can't, for whatever reason. Could be something like ADHD which often has emotional dysregulation issues that go along with it. He doesn't have to be from a bad home. But that doesn't make it acceptable.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 14:26     Subject: Re:Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Have you talked to the BF’s parents? I would definitely let them know what happened and tell them that you want him away from your daughter. I’d also say that if he ever steps foot on your property again you will call the police. You said that this is the “worst” event. What are you waiting for - your daughter to be beaten? I would let DD know that the relationship is over. Do you pay for her phone? Car privileges? All of that is done unless the relationship ends because the BF sounds dangerous. I told my DH about this post and he couldn’t believe it was real or that someone would actually put up with this kind of behavior from a non-family member in their own home.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 13:40     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Banned from house definitely! Tell your daughter he’s a jerk and will turn on her too and you will be here for her when he does.

Then book as many trips and camps away from home for her as you can. Like sending her to Europe if you can. Good luck.


+1
Things like this are one reason I'm glad I've got family on another continent in another time zone.
I wouldn't do this for anything less than a kid who would get in your DH's face. He sounds dangerous and I would do ANYTHING to save my kid from an abusive relationship.

Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 13:33     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a rule that my teen can see their terrible love interest once per week if it’s a one on one date.


My parents had a similar rule. If you don’t think your kids are outsmarting you, you’re an idiot.


They are very busy and we also have life 360 and the kid lives far away as well. I’m very confident they are generally only going out with the person once per week though it’s possible they have lied here and there. The kid is toxic and our teen knows we feel that way but don’t want to forbid the relationship and this is what we’ve come up with.


And I’ll add-I think about once a week is pretty reasonable even if our teens taste wasn’t so terrible.


Also facing this dilemma with my DD, it is hard to limit time they are together, when they are not physically out, they are on non-stop video call, all through the night. Both of them are extremely clingy and has no boundaries.


Take the phone away, my God.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 13:32     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Around a year ago my (now) 16 year old DD started going out with this boy, who I will call 'John.' At first, me and my husband did not think about it a lot because it was just a high school boyfriend, but over the past 4 months they have been getting much closer and he has become a regular fixture in our house.

The problem is that me and DH dont like him. He can be very sweet, but he has moments where he will get unreasonably angry over the smallest things. For example, around a month ago my 98 year old great aunt visited for dinner one night and a couple of local relatives came over. We told DD and him that we were having a family get together a week in advance, and that we wanted it to just be a family affair. There were a couple of reasons for this (that we explained to them), most notably that she is elderly and not in the best health so we were trying to minimize the risk of illness transmission. Fast forward to the day in question, and he stops by after their school (totally fine - the event started at 6:30). At around 6, we (politely) asked if he would go home and he freaked out, screaming at us that he thought we had reconsidered. This, of course, got DD begging us to let him stay. Ultimately, he and DD left (presumably to go to his home). This isnt a one-time event, but this was the worst.

Now, I would understand if John came from a rough home, but he has loving parents and has a good homelife, I just think he is clingy and almost obsessive.

I know DD is old enough to make her own choices, and I don't want to butt in, but I am at the end of my rope, and I just have no interest in having to deal with him. I also am worried because I can see shades of my ex-husband, who I loved to bits, but was physically abusive when he got wound up. John has never gotten physical with DD (or us), but has gotten close especially with DH, getting all up in his face, which can be intimidating because he is a bigger kid and can be quite imposing.

How would you handle this?


Couple things here:

1) You should have stood firm here and told him to go and that DD had to stay for the family dinner, which leads me to #2:
2) She ISN'T old enough to make her own choices, which doesn't mean that she doesn't get to make some choices, but you are well within your rights to guide and discuss those choices;
3) It would be a good thing for John to learn that using his size against other people is unacceptable, and if you need to involve the police, you should. You could also involve his parents.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 13:27     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Omg. He cannot raise his voice at you or your DD.
This is terrible.


Agree but what do you do about it? You can’t force a 16 yr old to break up


No, but you can put limits on how much time he spends with her. This is what my parents did. They just said it applied to any boyfriend. Not sure if they knew or not, but it saved me from getting totally sucked in from the guys control.


+1 to this.

I initially liked the PP's idea about a family meeting, but the truth is that this kid has already acted so far out of bounds that a meeting to set limits isn't possible. And it's also not your job to fix his damage.

I agree with PP that there should be time limits on how much she sees this guy. For instance, my 16 year old is dating a guy and I'm pretty open to her spending at his house with him or at our house, but that's because he is a really nice kid! And his mom and I have talked and agree on ground rules for the kids when they are in our homes.

If yelling and outbursts had happened the boyfriend wouldn't be allowed in my home and my daughter wouldn't be allowed to hang with him all the time. I'd suddenly have a lot of family events that couldn't be missed, trips out of town, etc.

I wouldn't make her break up with him but would tell her point blank that him exhibiting abusive behavior towards us/our family makes us worried for her safety and thus the restrictions.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 12:54     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Now, I would understand if John came from a rough home, but he has loving parents and has a good homelife, I just think he is clingy and almost obsessive.


Of all the things in your post, this is something that struck me the most. You think this type of behavior is limited to people who come from 'rough homes'.

Instead of trying to figure out why this boy behaves the way he does, you should be focusing on why your DD doesn't DTMF.


Yes, this part was strange. Do you think women and children in your UMC neighborhood are not abused? Do you think no one in your neighborhood is an alcoholic?

And yes, focus on why your daughters self esteem is so low that she thinks this is ok.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 12:45     Subject: Re:Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Oh hell no. This kid would never be welcome in my home again. You do NOT scream at me in my own home, especially when you're a child. I wouldn't have even explained all about the relatives and family dinner. DD wouldn't have been allowed to leave either. That was family time. She's part of the family.

Dh and I would be given DD a HUGE talk about verbal abuse, anger management, and respect.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 12:34     Subject: Re:Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:He isn’t welcome in your home. I can’t believe this wasn’t decided when he “yelled” and “got in your husband’s face.” This is crazy to me. In what world is this acceptable behavior? Would you do this in a workplace? Never mind respect for elders and parents of someone you love. My husband would have throw this kid out of our house immediately.


+1
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 12:25     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
"Not happy" with a 16 year old boy terrorizing you and your daughter in your home. Wow. Yeah your husband should have stepped up there. Miserable failures all around.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 12:08     Subject: Re:Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
WTF. This kid would never be allowed in my home again. I guess I’m lucky because I also have a DD who would never date someone who acted disrespectfully towards her own parents. That’s a major red flag.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 11:55     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Now, I would understand if John came from a rough home, but he has loving parents and has a good homelife, I just think he is clingy and almost obsessive.


Of all the things in your post, this is something that struck me the most. You think this type of behavior is limited to people who come from 'rough homes'.

Instead of trying to figure out why this boy behaves the way he does, you should be focusing on why your DD doesn't DTMF.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 11:04     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a rule that my teen can see their terrible love interest once per week if it’s a one on one date.


My parents had a similar rule. If you don’t think your kids are outsmarting you, you’re an idiot.


They are very busy and we also have life 360 and the kid lives far away as well. I’m very confident they are generally only going out with the person once per week though it’s possible they have lied here and there. The kid is toxic and our teen knows we feel that way but don’t want to forbid the relationship and this is what we’ve come up with.


And I’ll add-I think about once a week is pretty reasonable even if our teens taste wasn’t so terrible.


Also facing this dilemma with my DD, it is hard to limit time they are together, when they are not physically out, they are on non-stop video call, all through the night. Both of them are extremely clingy and has no boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 10:54     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Banned from house definitely! Tell your daughter he’s a jerk and will turn on her too and you will be here for her when he does.

Then book as many trips and camps away from home for her as you can. Like sending her to Europe if you can. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 10:49     Subject: Not happy with 16 YO DD's boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a rule that my teen can see their terrible love interest once per week if it’s a one on one date.


My parents had a similar rule. If you don’t think your kids are outsmarting you, you’re an idiot.


They are very busy and we also have life 360 and the kid lives far away as well. I’m very confident they are generally only going out with the person once per week though it’s possible they have lied here and there. The kid is toxic and our teen knows we feel that way but don’t want to forbid the relationship and this is what we’ve come up with.


And I’ll add-I think about once a week is pretty reasonable even if our teens taste wasn’t so terrible.