Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard for me to admit but I sometimes have a passing thought when I meet a couple and the husband appears to be a total catch! Or at least, the kind of men I’d want to be married to.

They’re fit, smart, devoted family men, high earners and emotionally mature.

I’d think on paper I’d be a good fit for men like that as I have all similar interests and goals. But! I am not as beautiful as their wives! The women they pick are definitely hotter than me and…I guess that makes all the difference?

well, there's your answer. Yes, if you were hotter, you could've probably attracted a "higher quality man". Don't you think these higher quality men attracted hot women because they were "high quality"?

Actually a lot if the types of guys that OP is describing are married to fairly plain women who have a certain suburban look— dyed blonde hair, petite, but plain faced. Not exactly “hot.” But hey, Americans have a strange definition of that that encompasses anyone who is thin with light hair.

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

Curious about this. I’m dating a wonderful kind man behind closed doors - great sex, he takes care of me emotionally, we have fun together. But in public he doesn’t come across very confident and definitely isn’t a high earner or have high social status. However, I am confident and in a public facing job and get told I’m beautiful often. Will he get more confident over time? Or will this lead to resentment?

Women are never, ever satisfied. Ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course looks make all the difference.

This is OP. But, I have everything else! I am well educated, cultured and sophisticated. I dress well. I am told I am kind and empathetic and I grew up in a warm and loving family. There is every reason a high quality man should want me! Except I wasn’t born with lean long legs, great hair and a gorgeous face. I do what I can but… I am not really the prettiest girl in the room.

ok, but I grew kind of poor, not so great family, and I'm super short, with a nice enough looking face but flat chested. We all have our crosses to bear.

Seriously, you need to get over it.

I really don’t get why women seek out high-achieving husbands. These men will be on work travel constantly, work 65+ hours a week & are constantly surrounded by younger, better options. Do you really want to be married to him??????

Anonymous wrote:Lol you never know what is going on is someone else marriage.

THIS.

How many of these men are cheating? More than you would think.

How many of these men are nightmares behind closed doors? More than you would think.

How many of these couples are struggling with a health issue, a terrible family situation, a huge libido disparity, kids not doing well, etc.? MORE THAN YOU WOULD THINK.

Focus on your life, your husband, your family.

Truly high-earning, family man & emotionally available is an extremely rare combination.

Anonymous wrote:Many, many women- friends and acquaintances have told me that. They all want someone like my husband. My family adores him too.

He is great and I love him, but what none of them know is that he did have a midlife breakdown (year 18 of marriage), started drinking more and was a d@ck at home and had an affair before getting help/therapy, treatment. All water under the bridge now.

You never know what someone is like or been through behind closed doors.

This is so, so true. I love my husband and think he's great, but there is so much about the reality of sharing a life with another person that an outsider just can't understand. Things that look appealing from across a restaurant table look very, very different from inside a marriage.

Marriage has taught me that one of the most important qualities to look for in a partner is someone who is willing and capable of change. Not because you want to change everything about them, but because marriage is a long time and circumstances change and needs change and you don't WANT your husband to be the same person at 50 that he was at 35, even if 35 was great. You need someone capable of growth and who has the ability to respond to the situation and make adjustments in themselves. Not someone who will always expect you to be changing to accommodate them because, after all, they are so great and you are so lucky.

Anonymous wrote:Many, many women- friends and acquaintances have told me that. They all want someone like my husband. My family adores him too.

He is great and I love him, but what none of them know is that he did have a midlife breakdown (year 18 of marriage), started drinking more and was a d@ck at home and had an affair before getting help/therapy, treatment. All water under the bridge now.

You never know what someone is like or been through behind closed doors.

^ oh and he has those other qualities. Cleans more than I do, takes care of a lot around the house, does laundry. He does nice things for me and was fabulous and caring when we had a family member with a terminal illness, etc. so you can be good looking, successful and still have those other traits too.

But, nobody is perfect. Nobody.

Many, many women- friends and acquaintances have told me that. They all want someone like my husband. My family adores him too.

He is great and I love him, but what none of them know is that he did have a midlife breakdown (year 18 of marriage), started drinking more and was a d@ck at home and had an affair before getting help/therapy, treatment. All water under the bridge now.

You never know what someone is like or been through behind closed doors.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emphasis on "culture and sophisticated" is not what most people look for in a partner. Most people want a good life, not showing off for the public.

Well my DH cared quite a bit about accomplishments and was very clear about wanting a highly educated mate who would commit to raising high-achieving children. Part of what he was looking for was "cultured and sophisticated."

DP. Mine cared a lot about marrying somebody who was intelligent, well-educated, and would raise kids with those values. But apparently he was also okay marrying somebody who ate Wendy's chicken nuggets in the car and laughed too loudly. You can make a lot of generalizations about what men want but I don't think "sophisticated" is one of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Envy is never a good look. Work on making your family, your marriage and your dh the best it can be.

Btw, I'm married to one of those guys and I'm no where near as hot as DH. He was more focused on personality, good upbringing and picking an emotionally mature mate.

Also, some of those guys? Their wives are the ones who have turned them into a total catch.

"Work on marriage, family, DH" .... and one more missing piece?

PERSONALITY - obviously!

Anonymous wrote:Emphasis on "culture and sophisticated" is not what most people look for in a partner. Most people want a good life, not showing off for the public.

Well my DH cared quite a bit about accomplishments and was very clear about wanting a highly educated mate who would commit to raising high-achieving children. Part of what he was looking for was "cultured and sophisticated."

A fat 25 years old look very different from a fat divorced 40 years old woman with kids. The former would be just fine while the latter might have to work harder to attract men.

Emphasis on "culture and sophisticated" is not what most people look for in a partner. Most people want a good life, not showing off for the public.