Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:46     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
I don't know if my friends are just being nice but we often get comments about how well-behaved DD is in public/around company. DD suffers from social anxiety so what they are seeing is not good behavior that we taught her but rather her being inhibited due to anxiety (which she is getting treatment for).

However since I am a parent of a "good" child the advice I will offer is to listen to your child's teachers/caregivers. Don't dismiss concerns they have. Get assessments/evaluations if they identify any areas of concern. Early intervention screenings are free for a reason. If you need it and can afford it, shell out cash for private services earlier rather than later.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:43     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
The only generally easy kids I’ve seen with really bad behavior are dealing with:
1) not enough sleep, usually because of a bedtime that is too late and/or tortured because of
2) the parents negotiate/accommodate too much and go back on their word. You can be gentle, kind and respectful without yielding your authority. The books all say that, but people do it anyway and blame the books.
3) the parents are not in control of their own emotions and consider their own frustration, annoyance, fatigue etc to be an excuse for changing their parenting and or “losing it.”

The other big thing is to go outside. Time in the house is the hardest time.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:42     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.



The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.


Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.


PP who believes #1. I am definitely a parent, and some of the best parenting advice I have received came from 1) DD's childless therapist and 2) a friend who has many years of experience as a nanny. Their advice has been invaluable, and much than the advice I've received from some parents who have good kids. I'm not saying that you should thoughtlessly accept advice from anybody, but rather that you shouldn't write off advice just because that person doesn't have kids.


Eh…as a parent (of yes, “good” kids), I’d be super hesitant to give parenting advice to any of my friends who are parents unless VERY specifically asked. And even then I’d feel the need to be verrry careful in how I phrased it. It may just be that the two people you’re talking about felt comfortable being direct in a way that your parent friends would not. Also; I’m not sure we should loop a child therapist in with generic “non-parents”


I'm not trying to loop them in with generic non-parents, just saying that I personally wouldn't consider parents of "good kids" to be the gold standard.

I honestly am not sure what you're saying but I agree with you about giving advice to other parents. I've had parents try to pick my brain because of certain traits of my kids and I always just refer them to the parenting books I've read, with the caveats that all kids are different and all parents are different and what works for one won't work for another.


+1 IME, a lot of the parents with "good" kids didn't have to work that hard at it. They have easy, biddable children who are interested in pleasing their parents. So, just about anything will "work." As a parent of two strong-willed kids with ADHD, I liked to hear advice from parents who also had challenging kids but managed to get through it and now their kids are doing well. One of mine is there now (doing great, fully independent, in college) and one is getting there.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:38     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.



The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.


Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.


PP who believes #1. I am definitely a parent, and some of the best parenting advice I have received came from 1) DD's childless therapist and 2) a friend who has many years of experience as a nanny. Their advice has been invaluable, and much than the advice I've received from some parents who have good kids. I'm not saying that you should thoughtlessly accept advice from anybody, but rather that you shouldn't write off advice just because that person doesn't have kids.


Eh…as a parent (of yes, “good” kids), I’d be super hesitant to give parenting advice to any of my friends who are parents unless VERY specifically asked. And even then I’d feel the need to be verrry careful in how I phrased it. It may just be that the two people you’re talking about felt comfortable being direct in a way that your parent friends would not. Also; I’m not sure we should loop a child therapist in with generic “non-parents”


I'm not trying to loop them in with generic non-parents, just saying that I personally wouldn't consider parents of "good kids" to be the gold standard.

I honestly am not sure what you're saying but I agree with you about giving advice to other parents. I've had parents try to pick my brain because of certain traits of my kids and I always just refer them to the parenting books I've read, with the caveats that all kids are different and all parents are different and what works for one won't work for another.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:38     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Consistency.

Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:34     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.



The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.


Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.


PP who believes #1. I am definitely a parent, and some of the best parenting advice I have received came from 1) DD's childless therapist and 2) a friend who has many years of experience as a nanny. Their advice has been invaluable, and much than the advice I've received from some parents who have good kids. I'm not saying that you should thoughtlessly accept advice from anybody, but rather that you shouldn't write off advice just because that person doesn't have kids.


Eh…as a parent (of yes, “good” kids), I’d be super hesitant to give parenting advice to any of my friends who are parents unless VERY specifically asked. And even then I’d feel the need to be verrry careful in how I phrased it. It may just be that the two people you’re talking about felt comfortable being direct in a way that your parent friends would not. Also; I’m not sure we should loop a child therapist in with generic “non-parents”
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:34     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.



The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.


Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.


Not as bad as the advice from a parent who has one easy child and thinks their child's temperament is the result of their parenting.

One of my friends was like that and then she was SHOCKED when what she did with #1 didn't work with strong-willed #2.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:33     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.


I think you're proving our point. "Bad parents" are just insecure. They don't listen to their intuition or don't trust it enough to pay it any attention. So they flail, they spin. They look for answers from anyone and everyone, which makes them flail and spin even more. There's a lot of bad advice out there. They'd probably do best with something to help their anxiety. Most people do, in fact, just know what to do if they have the confidence to trust themselves. There's no magic formula to raising kids. It's just a bond forming between you and your child, and it will lead your gut to help you know what they need.


You and I are talking about two different kinds of parent. I'm talking about the kind of parent who is very secure in the rightness of a parenting practice that is, in fact, wrong. Think of the mom who gives her kids a punishment before her kids have the capacity to understand cause and effect, or the dad who tells his 5-year old he has to be a man and that means not crying. They have confidence, they trust themselves, and yet a 20-year old who has a solid knowledge of human development can correctly identify these parenting practices as misguided.


That's not intuitive parenting. That mom issuing punishments got that idea either from a book or she was raised that way. If she was acting intuitively, she'd take a moment and recognize that her 2 yr old didn't take her brother's toy because she's a thief but because she doesn't understand the concepts of possession or turn-taking. But that mom is being rigid in adhering to a parenting approach she learned from someone else.

And the dad telling his son to "be a man" is an even better example of someone adhering to a parenting technique they learned elsewhere instead of responding intuitively to their child. That dad learned a bunch of stuff about toxic masculinity as a child and was taught not to cry or express emotion, and he's passing that on to his own child, even though some part of that dad wants to hug his son and comfort him. He's actively suppressing that part of himself (as he has been actively suppressing his feelings since childhood, as commanded) in order to follow a parenting approach he's been TAUGHT is better than just responding intuitively to your child's needs.


How are people supposed to know these things intuitively when they have been taught the opposite things their whole lives? It seems like what you think is intuitive is some deep inherent natural knowledge of practices that parents might never have heard of or seen, and also happen to be supported by research into child development. My hunch is that it feels intuitive to you because you have been taught that way, but it wouldn't feel intuitive to others and they would do better to check the parenting practices they default to against what others propose.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:31     Subject: Re:Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
The best one was from my friend Melissa: set your kids up for success. Keeping them up late and then frustrated with bad behavior that night or the following morning? That's your fault - you set them up to fail. Pushed dinner by two hours and then are upset at meltdowns? Nope. Around 2 or 2.5 they might be able to deal with sleep and meals being pushed by a half hour, but not much more than that. We eat dinner late on Friday nights. But we give our 3.5 yr old a small plate with some combo of carrots, tomatoes, cucumber, bell pepper, crackers, a bit of cheese, fruit, etc. at his dinner time to munch on while waiting for dinner.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:28     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.


When I think of parents I know who I think are bad at parenting, they are all doing what they think they "should" be doing. Whether that's being extremely lenient because they are afraid of disciplining their kids (so their kids are out of control), or they are super disciplinarians (and their kids are afraid of them). Or they put their kids in a zillion activities to the point where the kids are stressed and anxious. And so on.

In each case, they are letting external pressures and expectations dictate how they approach their kids, and they aren't listening to their gut reaction. They often ignore major red flags (like a toddler who is definitely going to meltdown if they don't get some support or kindness in that moment) and go ahead and do what they were taught or told is "good" parenting because they are afraid to just feel out the situation and see what will work best.


Yeah I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this because I have had a ton of parenting situations when my gut reaction told me *nothing*. It was useless. And it's not because I'm some insecure person, afraid of what others might think of me, it's because I just had no idea what to do in that situation. My kids are so far only teenagers but I'm very proud of how things are going and I do attribute a decent amount of that to listening to parenting advice rather than just trying to do what was intuitive in the moment.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:28     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:I'm a new (toddler) mom and feel like there are so many books out there about how to raise toddlers (gentle parenting, etc.) but I always wonder what the kids of these authors are actually like. Meanwhile, my neighbor has wonderful children -- kind, thoughtful, doing their best at school, etc. and I always say I'd rather pick my neighbors' brain than any of these authors.

So, what are the tips you have/have gotten that you feel really contributes to "good" kids?

p.s. I know the definition of good can be contentious, but for arguments sake, I'm going to say kind, thoughtful, decently behaved, etc.




Pick your battles wisely but win every one.

Meaning, don’t worry over a kid wearing a costume to school or stripes with plaids. But if you say no to something, you have to follow through.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:26     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.


I think you're proving our point. "Bad parents" are just insecure. They don't listen to their intuition or don't trust it enough to pay it any attention. So they flail, they spin. They look for answers from anyone and everyone, which makes them flail and spin even more. There's a lot of bad advice out there. They'd probably do best with something to help their anxiety. Most people do, in fact, just know what to do if they have the confidence to trust themselves. There's no magic formula to raising kids. It's just a bond forming between you and your child, and it will lead your gut to help you know what they need.


You and I are talking about two different kinds of parent. I'm talking about the kind of parent who is very secure in the rightness of a parenting practice that is, in fact, wrong. Think of the mom who gives her kids a punishment before her kids have the capacity to understand cause and effect, or the dad who tells his 5-year old he has to be a man and that means not crying. They have confidence, they trust themselves, and yet a 20-year old who has a solid knowledge of human development can correctly identify these parenting practices as misguided.


That's not intuitive parenting. That mom issuing punishments got that idea either from a book or she was raised that way. If she was acting intuitively, she'd take a moment and recognize that her 2 yr old didn't take her brother's toy because she's a thief but because she doesn't understand the concepts of possession or turn-taking. But that mom is being rigid in adhering to a parenting approach she learned from someone else.

And the dad telling his son to "be a man" is an even better example of someone adhering to a parenting technique they learned elsewhere instead of responding intuitively to their child. That dad learned a bunch of stuff about toxic masculinity as a child and was taught not to cry or express emotion, and he's passing that on to his own child, even though some part of that dad wants to hug his son and comfort him. He's actively suppressing that part of himself (as he has been actively suppressing his feelings since childhood, as commanded) in order to follow a parenting approach he's been TAUGHT is better than just responding intuitively to your child's needs.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:21     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.


When I think of parents I know who I think are bad at parenting, they are all doing what they think they "should" be doing. Whether that's being extremely lenient because they are afraid of disciplining their kids (so their kids are out of control), or they are super disciplinarians (and their kids are afraid of them). Or they put their kids in a zillion activities to the point where the kids are stressed and anxious. And so on.

In each case, they are letting external pressures and expectations dictate how they approach their kids, and they aren't listening to their gut reaction. They often ignore major red flags (like a toddler who is definitely going to meltdown if they don't get some support or kindness in that moment) and go ahead and do what they were taught or told is "good" parenting because they are afraid to just feel out the situation and see what will work best.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:10     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.


intuitive versus learned behavior is different.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 13:09     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
1. Throw all the books into the recycling and never buy another.

2. Naturally quiet and passive children are born that way, and it's due to inherited personality traits that the parents likely have as well. We are all like this to some degree in the family.

3. If you have a feisty kid, you will need to do extra parenting, arm yourself with more patience, and accept smaller results over a longer period of time. That's OK, and not a reflection of your parenting skills!

4. If you believe your kid's behaviors are truly out of the range of normal for their age, do not hesitate in getting them evaluated by a psychologist for ADHD, ASD, or whatever else you believe they might have. Early intervention helps a lot. Also be aware that teachers cannot actually come out and pronounce these words. They will couch it in "attention issues", "speaks out of turn" , "needs repeated directions", "has emotional outbursts", etc...


For point 1, do you mean parenting books or books for your kids? Because it takes all kinds and I respect your opinion but I firmly believe lots and lots of books (for kids, fiction and non, new and old) are essential for a happy and healthy childhood.