How and where to celebrate holidays

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would we do if we lost our jobs?
Dogs, cats, neither, both?
What if one of us becomes more or less religious ten years from now?

It’s too easy for a narcissist or masking spectrum person to provide socially acceptable canned responses to all these questions.

The problem is when they say one thing/ what they are guessing you want to hear, and then later do whatever the hell they want or the easy way out for them.

Q & A sessions are useless, spend two years to really get to know real person behind the social facade, one of which you two live together. Don't marry before that.

This plus:
If you met in school or grade school, date while working don’t just get engaged

Have the other plan something- like a 5+ day vacation - and see (a) if they can plan stuff, (b) if the plan makes any sense, (c) if you too think the same about budget and money, and (d) how do they do when something goes “off plan.”

Unf my spouse was tasked with “planning” the honeymoon while we both worked and I did the wedding planning and executing. All he did was book flights, super expensive resorts and when asked what we’d do daily for the week he just dumped it on me and also said “let’s ask the concierge.”

The other weekend trip he had “planned” while we were dating was a bust. Drove to the mountains in late fall, were the only ones in an empty cottage building, and I had us moved to the main building where at least there were some people and a restaurant. Bizarre.

This is a weird post. His way of doing things was fine.

He booked flights and hotels. That’s all I do when I travel. I figure out activity when I get there mostly.

And personally I would far prefer the empty cottage building over the main lodge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would we do if we lost our jobs?
Dogs, cats, neither, both?
What if one of us becomes more or less religious ten years from now?

It’s too easy for a narcissist or masking spectrum person to provide socially acceptable canned responses to all these questions.

The problem is when they say one thing/ what they are guessing you want to hear, and then later do whatever the hell they want or the easy way out for them.

Q & A sessions are useless, spend two years to really get to know real person behind the social facade, one of which you two live together. Don't marry before that.

This plus:
If you met in school or grade school, date while working don’t just get engaged

Have the other plan something- like a 5+ day vacation - and see (a) if they can plan stuff, (b) if the plan makes any sense, (c) if you too think the same about budget and money, and (d) how do they do when something goes “off plan.”

Unf my spouse was tasked with “planning” the honeymoon while we both worked and I did the wedding planning and executing. All he did was book flights, super expensive resorts and when asked what we’d do daily for the week he just dumped it on me and also said “let’s ask the concierge.”

The other weekend trip he had “planned” while we were dating was a bust. Drove to the mountains in late fall, were the only ones in an empty cottage building, and I had us moved to the main building where at least there were some people and a restaurant. Bizarre.

Both of your spouse's planned vacations sound lovely to me. Why would i want to "plan" things to do all day at an expensive resort? Can't i just wake up and get my book and chill? Seems more like a mismatch in what you want to do than him being 'incompetent' like you're trying to suggest. If i can read anything into this story, it's that you're harshly critical.

I don’t think people forget. They actively avoid certain topics to keep the peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would we do if we lost our jobs?
Dogs, cats, neither, both?
What if one of us becomes more or less religious ten years from now?

It’s too easy for a narcissist or masking spectrum person to provide socially acceptable canned responses to all these questions.

The problem is when they say one thing/ what they are guessing you want to hear, and then later do whatever the hell they want or the easy way out for them.

Q & A sessions are useless, spend two years to really get to know real person behind the social facade, one of which you two live together. Don't marry before that.

This plus:
If you met in school or grade school, date while working don’t just get engaged

Have the other plan something- like a 5+ day vacation - and see (a) if they can plan stuff, (b) if the plan makes any sense, (c) if you too think the same about budget and money, and (d) how do they do when something goes “off plan.”

Unf my spouse was tasked with “planning” the honeymoon while we both worked and I did the wedding planning and executing. All he did was book flights, super expensive resorts and when asked what we’d do daily for the week he just dumped it on me and also said “let’s ask the concierge.”

The other weekend trip he had “planned” while we were dating was a bust. Drove to the mountains in late fall, were the only ones in an empty cottage building, and I had us moved to the main building where at least there were some people and a restaurant. Bizarre.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would we do if we lost our jobs?
Dogs, cats, neither, both?
What if one of us becomes more or less religious ten years from now?

It’s too easy for a narcissist or masking spectrum person to provide socially acceptable canned responses to all these questions.

The problem is when they say one thing/ what they are guessing you want to hear, and then later do whatever the hell they want or the easy way out for them.

Q & A sessions are useless, spend two years to really get to know real person behind the social facade, one of which you two live together. Don't marry before that.

DH and I didn’t talk about the vast majority of these, at least not in detail or with thoughtfulness. But we have always had a super strong marriage and relationship - 23 years now.

We were young when we were dating - early and mid 20s right out of college and in grad school. Honestly, most of these questions we didn’t have well formed ideas on, because we were just finding ourselves, and figuring out who we were as adults. If we’d formally discussed these things, half the answers would have just been speculation anyhow (like, who at age 23 knows if they want to be a city or rural person, when you’ve only lived by yourself anywhere for a year or two).

The flip side is that because we were so young and didn’t have settled expectations on all these things, we got to grow and develop our opinions on them together as a unit, so in the end or values and views stayed pretty aligned. Like, on the city vs rural one we both lived in the same city together for 10 years, in the same shitty apartments and on the same right budget with the same crappy city stuff impacting us both, so by 35 we were both on the same timeline and happy to leave. Not everything aligns like that, but I’d say most of the big questions do.

Generally many children you hope to have and when.

Where you want to live long term.

Finances, savings habits, living within ones means. A good hard look at each others finances (I know a couple who got divorced quickly after uncovering gambling issues.)

Public vs private school.

What role, if any, religion will play in yours and your children’s lives.

If one parent desires to stay at home after kids are born (and how that will work financially.)

How close you want to be to family. This was a dealbreaker in one of my spouses previous relationships. Their ex had a sad upbringing and could not handle my spouses large close family. The ex was much better suited with someone who did not live close to family or wasn’t close with theirs.

Anonymous wrote:How do you “forget” discussing having children, OP?

I think people talk about it in a general sense but not in enough detail. Like timeline.

What we would do if either of our parents needed care, help, of any kind. Are they financially prepared? Would siblings help? Do either of us have strong feelings about whether or not we would be able to put a parent in a facility or would we insist on taking them into our home? This is an in depth conversation that needs to happen.

This type of issue can quickly devolve into a crisis situation that could break apart a family.

How to approach disagreements and how to make decisions.

Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?

A couple getting married in August hasn't figured out what to do about her drinking nor have they discussed how money will work after the nuptials.

Anonymous wrote:It turned out that DH and I both forgot to discuss extended family emergencies with each other. Like what happens if someone in the family has a baby and then abandons it and we wind up adopting it, not that that happened to us or anything.

Wtf

This sounds weird and way beyond being power of attorney or custody of beiges and nephews.

If there is a rare crazy tragic death, families all rally to take care of the abandoned kids.

Anonymous wrote:What would we do if we lost our jobs?
Dogs, cats, neither, both?
What if one of us becomes more or less religious ten years from now?

It’s too easy for a narcissist or masking spectrum person to provide socially acceptable canned responses to all these questions.

The problem is when they say one thing/ what they are guessing you want to hear, and then later do whatever the hell they want or the easy way out for them.