Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:31
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Last night my boyfriend of ten months broke up with me out of the blue. I am 30 and he is 31. I am so sad. I thought he might have been the one but he said a bunch of vague stuff like “I’m not all in, and you deserve someone who is.” He’s not ready to say I love you but can tell I am. Etc. I really want him back. Please don’t be mean I’m so sad.
Maybe this is a good time for you to consider why you stayed with someone for 10 months when he hadn't told you I love you. You should work on your self-esteem issues.
This. Therapy and work on yourself. This is sad.
I didn’t feel ready to say I love you until about a month ago. I didn’t think this was that weird
It’s not.
Meh it kind of is but the fact that she was moving equally slowly makes it less of a red flag.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:29
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:OP, move on. If he was into you, you would've met not only his siblings but his cousins and grandma.
My ex husband didn’t meet some of my cousins until our wedding. This isn’t 1960 where entire families live in the same town.
Also do most 30 year olds have living grandparents? I did at 30 (in fact they’re still alive) and everyone thought that was super unusual.
Idk how I feel about op getting back with him but this response is just dumb.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:27
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Op here.
1. We talked for about an hour at lunchtime and it seems like there is a fundamental misunderstanding between how he envisioned last night going and how I interpreted it. For example, he made a comment about “I wanted to text to say goodnight but I figured you didn’t want to talk.” I was like, well why would you, after last night I thought we would never speak again and he said he didn’t intend for last night to be a one-time conversation.
2. I don’t think he handled it immaturely. Nor do I think he’s gay, I was only pointing out that he lost his virginity late to indicate he’s not been in a lot of either serious or casual relationships. He once said he isn’t good at reading signs and that a girl in college had a crush on him and he didn’t find out until years later even though his friends were aware - I think if he has any flaws he’s not great at emotional intimacy.
3. I appreciate the kind words but also just want to be clear to everyone that I’m not crazy or manipulative, nor am I intent on making him the villain. Just in love and sad
I guess I am just confused. Was his intention to break up with you or not? Because either he’s really inexperienced at relationships and breakups or he wasn’t intending to break up with you based on this bolder comment.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:24
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Last night my boyfriend of ten months broke up with me out of the blue. I am 30 and he is 31. I am so sad. I thought he might have been the one but he said a bunch of vague stuff like “I’m not all in, and you deserve someone who is.” He’s not ready to say I love you but can tell I am. Etc. I really want him back. Please don’t be mean I’m so sad.
Maybe this is a good time for you to consider why you stayed with someone for 10 months when he hadn't told you I love you. You should work on your self-esteem issues.
This. Therapy and work on yourself. This is sad.
I didn’t feel ready to say I love you until about a month ago. I didn’t think this was that weird
It’s not.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:24
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:People in these threads are always so weird about women wanting to get back with an ex, like no couple has ever broken up before and gotten back together.
This man is barely an ex. He dumped her last night and she's begging him to stay big difference for a couple that splits up and gets back together months, years down the road.
DP but what’s the difference? Oh it’s so much better to wait a few months instead of a few hours? It’s the same thing. I feel like people are just being nasty to this op for the sake of being nasty like “oh no one gets back with an ex, not successfully, you’re so stupid OP.” Then someone says “my bf and I broke up and got married” and you guys are like well of course YOU did because you handled the situation so much better than OP. Bizarre. It’s the same effing thing to get back together a year later and a day later.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:20
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Last night my boyfriend of ten months broke up with me out of the blue. I am 30 and he is 31. I am so sad. I thought he might have been the one but he said a bunch of vague stuff like “I’m not all in, and you deserve someone who is.” He’s not ready to say I love you but can tell I am. Etc. I really want him back. Please don’t be mean I’m so sad.
Maybe this is a good time for you to consider why you stayed with someone for 10 months when he hadn't told you I love you. You should work on your self-esteem issues.
This. Therapy and work on yourself. This is sad.
I didn’t feel ready to say I love you until about a month ago. I didn’t think this was that weird
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:20
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:So??? What happened in the conversation? You begged, he demurred, you’re still in limbo? Gtfo.
No. We’re still together.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:19
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:If he doesn’t even want you to meet his family after 10 months, it means he’s really unsure about you and probably always was. As others have said, don’t let him waste one more moment of your life.
He has been trying to set up a time for me to meet with his mother since November but her schedule is fully booked. I’ve met his siblings and was invited to his nephew’s elementary school graduation. So, while I would agree that not meeting his family would be a red flag after ten months…I did meet most of his family.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:18
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
So??? What happened in the conversation? You begged, he demurred, you’re still in limbo? Gtfo.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:16
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Op here.
1. We talked for about an hour at lunchtime and it seems like there is a fundamental misunderstanding between how he envisioned last night going and how I interpreted it. For example, he made a comment about “I wanted to text to say goodnight but I figured you didn’t want to talk.” I was like, well why would you, after last night I thought we would never speak again and he said he didn’t intend for last night to be a one-time conversation.
2. I don’t think he handled it immaturely. Nor do I think he’s gay, I was only pointing out that he lost his virginity late to indicate he’s not been in a lot of either serious or casual relationships. He once said he isn’t good at reading signs and that a girl in college had a crush on him and he didn’t find out until years later even though his friends were aware - I think if he has any flaws he’s not great at emotional intimacy.
3. I appreciate the kind words but also just want to be clear to everyone that I’m not crazy or manipulative, nor am I intent on making him the villain. Just in love and sad
1. We talked for about an hour at lunchtime and it seems like there is a fundamental misunderstanding between how he envisioned last night going and how I interpreted it. For example, he made a comment about “I wanted to text to say goodnight but I figured you didn’t want to talk.” I was like, well why would you, after last night I thought we would never speak again and he said he didn’t intend for last night to be a one-time conversation.
2. I don’t think he handled it immaturely. Nor do I think he’s gay, I was only pointing out that he lost his virginity late to indicate he’s not been in a lot of either serious or casual relationships. He once said he isn’t good at reading signs and that a girl in college had a crush on him and he didn’t find out until years later even though his friends were aware - I think if he has any flaws he’s not great at emotional intimacy.
3. I appreciate the kind words but also just want to be clear to everyone that I’m not crazy or manipulative, nor am I intent on making him the villain. Just in love and sad
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:15
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Last night my boyfriend of ten months broke up with me out of the blue. I am 30 and he is 31. I am so sad. I thought he might have been the one but he said a bunch of vague stuff like “I’m not all in, and you deserve someone who is.” He’s not ready to say I love you but can tell I am. Etc. I really want him back. Please don’t be mean I’m so sad.
Maybe this is a good time for you to consider why you stayed with someone for 10 months when he hadn't told you I love you. You should work on your self-esteem issues.
This. Therapy and work on yourself. This is sad.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 18:13
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
If he doesn’t even want you to meet his family after 10 months, it means he’s really unsure about you and probably always was. As others have said, don’t let him waste one more moment of your life.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 14:53
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
OP, move on. If he was into you, you would've met not only his siblings but his cousins and grandma.
Anonymous
05/25/2023 14:16
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. Breakups are hard. 10 months in a long time. Be nice to yourself and work hard to let him go. If he doesn't want you he doesn't deserve you. Hugs.
I’m pathetic. I already texted him and said I’m not ready to end this. He wrote back okay, I’m free at 12. I guess we both technically ended it because when he broached the subject he was like “I don’t want this to be a one time convo,” and then when I asked well why did you have me meet your siblings he was like “I didn’t really have a way out,” at which point I just got my things and left. So idk what he wants. He’s never been in a fully adult relationship, didn’t lose his virginity until recently…maybe he doesn’t know?
PP who just posted above (while you were writing this, I guess) that you should not pursue him to get him back. Oh, OP, please don't see him at 12. Just one last text to say it was a mistake and you're done, then block him on text and all social media, phone, etc. You really need to LISTEN to what he's saying beneath the garbled words he's using.
The part about siblings is out of context somehow but please, the statement about "I didn't really have a way out" is terrible. He was saying, in reality: "I didn't WANT you to meet them but it was more awkward to avoid it than just to go through with it." Why can't you see that's what he actually means here? He's immature, OP, extremely immature and you say so yourself: "He's never been in a fully adult relationship." And "fully adult" really has nothing to do with sex or virginity or loss of virginity, OP. Maturity in a relationship is about good communication, knowing what you do and don't want, and wanting the best for the other person. He's not hitting those goals with you, OP. He's immature and not just sexually.
Don't meet him and drag out this immature break-up. Don't say "idk what he wants." He wants to not be with you; learn to take no for an answer here. Move ON. It's not easy but yes, it's doable. Don't yoke yourself to a man-child who ran as soon as he thought you wanted more.
Disagree with this. I think he sounds pretty mature; it is OP at 30 who sounds immature. He told her he's not all in and that this is not what he wants. You can't get more clear than that. And he said that OP deserves someone who can give her more, which shows that he does care about her on some level, to your other definition of maturity.
OP, I know you're sad and he sounds like he's a great guy. But the other PPs are right. Do NOT waste another minute of your life pursuing this relationship. If he changes his mind, he'll be in touch. Otherwise, you need to move on.
All of this.
A wise person told me don't ever let a man tell you twice he doesn't want you.
I also doubt this is truly out of the blue there have been signs that were ignored
Don't beg for a man op. Leave him be and please work on your self esteem so you can have a healthy relationship
Anonymous
05/25/2023 14:13
Subject: Dumped out of the blue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The fact that he only recently lost his virginity causes me to think that he may be attracted to men.
We don't know his age or why he's waited. Leaping from losing one's virginity later than some other people do, to "he may be attracted to men," is a huge leap. In other words, it is not some universal truth that straight men will have lost their virginity by some specific age you (or anyone else) determine is the "right" age.
Don't muddy the waters for the already conflicted and confused OP by helping her make this into, "Oh, he only left me because he's gay, otherwise he'd want to commit to me!"
We do know his age, 31 and pp is correct to point out that he may be trying to figure out his sexuality. It's just as valid as any reason And frankly if it gets op to leave him alone then good.
Bottom line op needs to let this man be.