Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have both stay in the hotel and MIL can come and help during the daytime hours.

If I am paying for a hotel then you can pay for a maid.

Then “you” don’t actually want to help.

No. I will help but only if I am at your house. If you expect me to pay for a hotel but still schlep over to your house every day to cook, clean, wash your clothes. And listen to your whining, dream on because it ain't gonna happen. As I said earlier. Hire a maid, a baby nurse, as well as a night nurse.

OP, if this is your MIL’s attitude (which it doesn’t sound like it is), then absolutely do not let her come. People like this only want to help on their terms, as is convenient for them. You don’t want a person like that around you when you’re getting into the groove with a new baby.

I also have no idea why someone would be hellbent on staying in a house with a newborn instead of going to a nice hotel and getting sleep/relaxing time in, but that’s a different issue.

I did not want any visitors for the first three weeks. Those days were precious for me and my boyfriend. I made that known in advance. Then my parents came for a week and it was fine. At that point they had to get back to their own jobs, doc appts, and their own life.

You will need to ask yourself a variety of questions such as other posters have brought up. Do you feel comfortable being topless in front of MIL?

Do you like her cooking?

Is she able to follow directions on how you want baby to be cared for?

Will her presence mean your hubby gets a pass to just hang out with out doing much?

Some times the best time for help is after 2 or 3 weeks after you've gotten into a ryhthm and gotten to know baby a bit.

Congratulations to you! I hope it all goes very very smoothly! enjoy your new little one!

Anonymous wrote:I wish I didn't have anyone help the first few weeks. No matter how well intentioned or how helpful I thought they would be, it just interfered and made things more difficult.

My ils came to my house when I got out of the hospital and our twins were in the Nicu. They said they would cook and drive me to the nicu. They did neither. The entire day they nagged me to clean my house. I had been on strict bed rest for 5 months and hospitalized. They cooked once and spent all day criticizing our house, me, my inability to do much and HATED that I was pumping around the clock and did everything they could to disrupt it.

I think it's a mistake to have a MIL come in, because invariably it lets the DH off the hook for the work and bonding he needs to do. You two should manage together for at least the first 2 weeks. Disrupt that initial bonding time between DH and the baby at your own risk. You may never get the opportunity back.

Our parents came down when I had my baby. They met the baby in the hospital, came over on the day we were discharged and then went home. When my husband went back to work, my mom stayed with me for a week then my mother in law for a week. It was exactly what I needed. I struggled at night and both my mom and mother in law helped tremendously. I was so happy and grateful for their help. For me, this was the best arrangement but I agree with others that needs vary. OP, I don’t know where your family is coming from but perhaps this is an option for you? For us, one set of grandparents drove but the other had to wait until I was in labor to buy tickets which was expensive. That said, it was a solution that worked for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:Have both stay in the hotel and MIL can come and help during the daytime hours.

This is the best way, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have both stay in the hotel and MIL can come and help during the daytime hours.

If I am paying for a hotel then you can pay for a maid.

Then “you” don’t actually want to help.

No. I will help but only if I am at your house. If you expect me to pay for a hotel but still schlep over to your house every day to cook, clean, wash your clothes. And listen to your whining, dream on because it ain't gonna happen. As I said earlier. Hire a maid, a baby nurse, as well as a night nurse.

Anonymous wrote:It's very clear that everyone has a different experience. Upon advice similar to the above, I didn't want my MIL to come for the first 3-4 weeks. In retrospect, it would have been wonderful to have her there earlier and to have her stay longer. She was very helpful and I was so incredibly tired and in need of help (my husband only took off 2 days). Pre-birth, I couldn't have guessed how helpful she would be or how much I'd appreciate having her. It was only once she was there helping that it was such a relief.

Yeah this is so dependent on what baby you get! Those saying they don’t need the help had the sleepy babies. I had a crying very difficult to feed/breastfeed baby and help was very welcomed. My lovely mother in law was helpful, and I would have been grateful for the help. But I agree with hotel for both for sure. You can’t ask just FIL to do that. I would say I probably wouldn’t have wanted my FIL generally hanging around the house much… (like another pp said you’re basically naked from the top up practically half the time) so that’s a consideration. If only MIL could come I’d be more positive

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are breastfeeding, you will be topless most of the first few weeks. I’m not joking, they cluster feed a lot and also skin to skin is the best for helping your milk come in. How do you feel about being top less around your MIL? You don’t want to feel trapped in your bedroom or like you need to cover up because that may hurt the breastfeeding.

This is a really good point.

I did not go topless even when cluster feeding...I had plenty of nursing tanks I could use

Anonymous wrote:It's very clear that everyone has a different experience. Upon advice similar to the above, I didn't want my MIL to come for the first 3-4 weeks. In retrospect, it would have been wonderful to have her there earlier and to have her stay longer. She was very helpful and I was so incredibly tired and in need of help (my husband only took off 2 days). Pre-birth, I couldn't have guessed how helpful she would be or how much I'd appreciate having her. It was only once she was there helping that it was such a relief.

Yeah, I agree. All so individual.

My in-laws ups my stress levels to high heaven, so this would never be an option. I was ready to murder them both when they came 5 weeks after the baby was born. (Of course, my MIL’s decision to criticize me for getting an epidural and both of their constant focus on breastfeeding—his father called my breasts “my equipment” and told me to “use them” when they found out we were considering formula—did not help that.)

That said, we have a great relationship with my folks but were ready for them to be gone within a few days as opposed to the week and a half we had originally planned on.

I guess I do fall on the side of “see how it’s going first” and then decide.

It's very clear that everyone has a different experience. Upon advice similar to the above, I didn't want my MIL to come for the first 3-4 weeks. In retrospect, it would have been wonderful to have her there earlier and to have her stay longer. She was very helpful and I was so incredibly tired and in need of help (my husband only took off 2 days). Pre-birth, I couldn't have guessed how helpful she would be or how much I'd appreciate having her. It was only once she was there helping that it was such a relief.

Give yourself at least a month before anyone comes over and even then try to have MIL stay elsewhere (i.e. hotel, airbnb, etc.).

PPD/PPA can be awful and unexpected, also, you'll want to develop your own routine and rhythm with the baby so when MIL comes you can let her know your preferences.

DH can frame it as giving MIL a break and opportunity to sleep well without a screaming baby so that she's fresh and ready for action in the mornings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have both stay in the hotel and MIL can come and help during the daytime hours.

If I am paying for a hotel then you can pay for a maid.

Then “you” don’t actually want to help.

“Have both stay in the hotel” obviously meant OP pays for the hotel.

If DH is asking his mom to come out, yes. If MIL is asking to come out “to help,” no.

I am so happy we didn’t have anyone in those first few weeks. It allowed us to all bon, get our bearings and not have to worry about anyone else.