Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:48
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
OP, I think you are the a-hole for expecting a 69 year old woman to work full time and naive about her ability to do so after being fired at age 67 (likely because of her age). I would maybe be on your side if she willingly walked away from an easy job at 62 but that isn’t what happened.
That said, it isn’t clear that having your MIL pay off the remodel debt in full (with the help of you and DH and SIL) is the right financial move here. If it is, yes, give her the money as a gift. You can talk to your DH about how he can earn some extra money, if you must, but expecting a 69 YO to be able to get and hold a job that is going to provide meaningful income is not realistic.
That said, it isn’t clear that having your MIL pay off the remodel debt in full (with the help of you and DH and SIL) is the right financial move here. If it is, yes, give her the money as a gift. You can talk to your DH about how he can earn some extra money, if you must, but expecting a 69 YO to be able to get and hold a job that is going to provide meaningful income is not realistic.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:34
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
custody battles for your husband?Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.
You are a galactically huge AH.
No, she actually made a series of poor financial choices including multiple divorces, repeated custody battles, and staying at home for 20 years and not working.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:31
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.
You are a galactically huge AH.
No, she actually made a series of poor financial choices including multiple divorces, repeated custody battles, and staying at home for 20 years and not working.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:30
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think that loaning money to one's own mom is a bad idea. I'd have no problem giving 4 grand as a gift.
Op here. It’s the amount for me that I take issue with. That amount is about 10 percent of our savings account right now.
Wait... you have 40k in cash? Is that your cash reserves in addition to other non-retirement funds? Or your life's savings is 40k? Are you counting this 40k separate from your emergency fund, vacation fund, etc?
We each retirement accounts and kids have college accounts but our total cash savings right now is 50K. It’s down because we bought a house last year (after saving like dogs for over 15 years for a down payment and to pay off our debt).
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:29
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.
You are a galactically huge AH.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:26
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Just give her the money to pay off the loan. It sounds like you are not happy that she, at 69 years old, doesn’t want to work anymore. I would not want my 69 year old mom working either. This is a small price to pay and a kindness to do for her.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:25
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:I think that loaning money to one's own mom is a bad idea. I'd have no problem giving 4 grand as a gift.
I cannot imagine giving a parent a loan! I would pay the debt. Her son should also discuss her finances with her to see where she is and if she needs help. As you have already noted, OP, she made many sacrifices for her son and it's time for him to help her.
You are not a nice person, OP.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:25
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not the A-hole. Loans to family should be considered gifts. Even then, I wouldn't want him to clean up her mess. She is an adult who overextended herself and she needs to own it herself.
I'm so glad we are not related, tough guy/woman.
+1
It makes me sad to see how the value of individual independence extends to nor caring for others or their well-being
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:23
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Not the A-hole. Loans to family should be considered gifts. Even then, I wouldn't want him to clean up her mess. She is an adult who overextended herself and she needs to own it herself.
I'm so glad we are not related, tough guy/woman.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:20
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
You're telling me that a 69 year old woman could "easily" get a job making $100k = but never earned enough to save more than $150k for retirement?
You're not really making sense, OP - and you are being really stingy and petty.
She finally ascended to the C suite in the nonprofit sector in her area when she was fired. She knows the industry and her area well and is well networked. She has not tried at all to get a job since. She flat out has told us she is tired of workplace drama, managing people and kissing the CEO’s butt, etc. She also won’t get a side hustle
That could also supplement her income, so instead chooses to putter around her house all day. She doesn’t have enough money left to travel, go on vacation, or really do anything but sit in the house and pay basic expenses. And that irritates me as a working adult who started working at age 15 and will be working for probably 30 more years.
You said in the OP that she was fired two years ago and that has happened multiple times. How can you be so sure that she will be able to get and keep a job, at 69, for 100k?
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:20
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
You're telling me that a 69 year old woman could "easily" get a job making $100k = but never earned enough to save more than $150k for retirement?
You're not really making sense, OP - and you are being really stingy and petty.
She finally ascended to the C suite in the nonprofit sector in her area when she was fired. She knows the industry and her area well and is well networked. She has not tried at all to get a job since. She flat out has told us she is tired of workplace drama, managing people and kissing the CEO’s butt, etc. She also won’t get a side hustle
That could also supplement her income, so instead chooses to putter around her house all day. She doesn’t have enough money left to travel, go on vacation, or really do anything but sit in the house and pay basic expenses. And that irritates me as a working adult who started working at age 15 and will be working for probably 30 more years.
You're allowed to be irritated but don't be an idiot about it. I am guessing you also don't know what she actually went through to make her willing to walk away from financial comfort like that - because it probably wasn't just that she didn't feel like quitting and decided it was more fun to have to accept $4k from your kid and his judgey wife than to take care of it yourself.
^ Also, as others have said, different people age differently. My dad is still working at 80, and my mom has Parkinson's and is barely mobile. She may be going through things that you aren't aware of - physical or cognitive - and she also probably can't just go get a freaking job at 69, especially if she was fired from her last job (when?) and her network is dry.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:19
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think that loaning money to one's own mom is a bad idea. I'd have no problem giving 4 grand as a gift.
Op here. It’s the amount for me that I take issue with. That amount is about 10 percent of our savings account right now.
Wait... you have 40k in cash? Is that your cash reserves in addition to other non-retirement funds? Or your life's savings is 40k? Are you counting this 40k separate from your emergency fund, vacation fund, etc?
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:18
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
You're telling me that a 69 year old woman could "easily" get a job making $100k = but never earned enough to save more than $150k for retirement?
You're not really making sense, OP - and you are being really stingy and petty.
She finally ascended to the C suite in the nonprofit sector in her area when she was fired. She knows the industry and her area well and is well networked. She has not tried at all to get a job since. She flat out has told us she is tired of workplace drama, managing people and kissing the CEO’s butt, etc. She also won’t get a side hustle
That could also supplement her income, so instead chooses to putter around her house all day. She doesn’t have enough money left to travel, go on vacation, or really do anything but sit in the house and pay basic expenses. And that irritates me as a working adult who started working at age 15 and will be working for probably 30 more years.
You're allowed to be irritated but don't be an idiot about it. I am guessing you also don't know what she actually went through to make her willing to walk away from financial comfort like that - because it probably wasn't just that she didn't feel like quitting and decided it was more fun to have to accept $4k from your kid and his judgey wife than to take care of it yourself.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:17
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
You're telling me that a 69 year old woman could "easily" get a job making $100k = but never earned enough to save more than $150k for retirement?
You're not really making sense, OP - and you are being really stingy and petty.
She finally ascended to the C suite in the nonprofit sector in her area when she was fired. She knows the industry and her area well and is well networked. She has not tried at all to get a job since. She flat out has told us she is tired of workplace drama, managing people and kissing the CEO’s butt, etc. She also won’t get a side hustle
That could also supplement her income, so instead chooses to putter around her house all day. She doesn’t have enough money left to travel, go on vacation, or really do anything but sit in the house and pay basic expenses. And that irritates me as a working adult who started working at age 15 and will be working for probably 30 more years.
You’re irritated because you’re working and will continue to.
69 is old. Ageism in the workplace is very prevalent.
Anonymous
05/21/2023 15:17
Subject: AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!
Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.
I look healthy but you you have no idea how much I struggle with health. She only worked 20 years to take care of your husband.
She’s not getting a job at that age for that much.