Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very jealous!

I disagree. She needs to set some boundaries.

NP. What boundaries?

The help shouldn't be speaking with their betters

That’s exactly how OP seems to feel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know what “boundaries” would look like here- “please don’t talk to other parents in the dance waiting room?”

“Please don’t accept any birthday invitations.”
“Please don’t make any play dates for Larla.”
“Please don’t speak to any of the other parents.”


Then I want you to come back to us and report back if she’ll be available for you on those spur of the moment late nights that you seem to enjoy. Or if she’s going to stay late when you have something to do after work.

OP. I don't use her for "spur of the moment late nights". I plan things out in advance and part it was part of the job description. Never goes over 40 hours. Look, I've never had a nanny get birthday party invites directly or gossip with my neighbors and have it get back to me. I've had another nanny who did a great job with playdates and I appreciated it. This one is different. Apparently giving more facts is considered "trolling" and the fact that I am annoyed with the way she has inserted herself into my life makes me seem "unhinged". I am leaning more toward just finding a new nanny and also cutting back on work. I've never felt like this before and something is off here. I can't tie it to anything else going on in my life right now. Maybe it's simply a personality conflict.

What is strangely lacking from your posts is whether she is good with your children and how they feel about her.

Guess I’m the minority here, but I don’t think you sound unhinged. Her age and your age and just not compatible. She’s doing what a lot of people find positive behavior, but doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to deal with it. I’d find someone else. It’s okay that you match better with a younger nanny. I have a friend who got rid of her nanny because she was too pretty and made her feel insecure. It’s hard enough to work full time and raise a family. Don’t make things harder if you have control of who you hire.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny in her mid-thirties who never had kids of her own. She's pretty good but not great. We've had different nannies for 12 years now - she's better than most: she's almost always available when we need her for a later night or if we want to get away for an overnight trip she can do it. My issue is that she's starting to insert herself into what should be "my" role as a mom - like she directly plans play dates and is getting birthday party invites directly from other parents for my youngest. She sits around chatting with moms at school and extracurricular activities. I'm starting to want to just fire her and stay home with my last kid. I've never felt this way before. I actually like-to-love my job that I've spent my entire life working to create. I also hate the idea of becoming financially dependent on my spouse. Our marriage is mostly good but we've had some trials. I've just never felt this way about a nanny before, mostly because I've never had one who overstepped in this way. I also feel like she's become overly attached to my youngest, like I have this fear of her running away with my child. Again, never before in 12 years have I felt like this before.
Am I being ridiculous here? Any dealt with this?

You’re not available enough as a parent, that’s why your nanny has to handle what she’s handling.

Honestly this, and that’s why it’s triggering for OP. I get it, I’m prone to jealous feelings as well. I worked very part-time when my kids were little precisely because I knew I couldn’t handle someone else doing “mom” type stuff with my kids. The sad fact is you can’t have everything all at once. Something may have to give here.

Anonymous wrote:It's great if she's planning playdates and getting to know the parents of your children. She will never replace you. Think about how your kids benefit from this aspect of your nanny's personality.

If she is sharing private info, that is a conversation you need to have with her about what is and isn't appropriate.

+1 it sounds like it's more that you are ambivalent about your work/family time balance. I agree with PP that you should plan for more time off over the summer to get more of what you feel you are missing with your last child. A like-to-love job is not something to give up lightly because you have a nanny who is good at connecting with the other parents in your kids' world (that's a good thing).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know what “boundaries” would look like here- “please don’t talk to other parents in the dance waiting room?”

“Please don’t accept any birthday invitations.”
“Please don’t make any play dates for Larla.”
“Please don’t speak to any of the other parents.”


Then I want you to come back to us and report back if she’ll be available for you on those spur of the moment late nights that you seem to enjoy. Or if she’s going to stay late when you have something to do after work.

OP. I don't use her for "spur of the moment late nights". I plan things out in advance and part it was part of the job description. Never goes over 40 hours. Look, I've never had a nanny get birthday party invites directly or gossip with my neighbors and have it get back to me. I've had another nanny who did a great job with playdates and I appreciated it. This one is different. Apparently giving more facts is considered "trolling" and the fact that I am annoyed with the way she has inserted herself into my life makes me seem "unhinged". I am leaning more toward just finding a new nanny and also cutting back on work. I've never felt like this before and something is off here. I can't tie it to anything else going on in my life right now. Maybe it's simply a personality conflict.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

New details…. Interesting.

If by "interesting," you mean "trolling, as evidenced by subsequently changing the facts presented and upping the ante", then sure.

Since when is disclosing more facts "trolling"? If your nanny is gossiping with neighbors and they report it back to you, that's a problem.

It’s classic DCUM, when a thread isn’t going the way you would hope, start adding details to make it much more favorable for you. Think about it for a second, actually spreading family information around town is so much more egregious than talking to parents at an afterschool activity. If That was a real issue then why didn’t she mention it in her OP?

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny in her mid-thirties who never had kids of her own. She's pretty good but not great. We've had different nannies for 12 years now - she's better than most: she's almost always available when we need her for a later night or if we want to get away for an overnight trip she can do it. My issue is that she's starting to insert herself into what should be "my" role as a mom - like she directly plans play dates and is getting birthday party invites directly from other parents for my youngest. She sits around chatting with moms at school and extracurricular activities. I'm starting to want to just fire her and stay home with my last kid. I've never felt this way before. I actually like-to-love my job that I've spent my entire life working to create. I also hate the idea of becoming financially dependent on my spouse. Our marriage is mostly good but we've had some trials. I've just never felt this way about a nanny before, mostly because I've never had one who overstepped in this way. I also feel like she's become overly attached to my youngest, like I have this fear of her running away with my child. Again, never before in 12 years have I felt like this before.
Am I being ridiculous here? Any dealt with this?

You’re not available enough as a parent, that’s why your nanny has to handle what she’s handling.

I am a SAHM, she sounds like a great nanny and you sound unhinged. What would you prefer her to do? Refuse to chat with other parents at activities? Stand awkwardly off to the side? Don’t you want your kids to have play dates and get invited to birthday parties??

My kids have lots of friends with two working parents and nannies, and I will definitely text the nanny to set up play dates when I know the parents are working. I am friends or at least friendly with all the parents but I know they would be annoyed if I bothered them at work to ask if Larla wants to meet us in the park in an hour, when I know the nanny’s number and know she is the one who would be bringing the child! It would be super awkward for me to text the parents and have them then text the nanny and then have the nanny text them back etc.

If the nanny isn’t forwarding you birthday party invites for weekend parties, that is a legitimate gripe. And if she is setting up girls night outs with the neighborhood moms and excluding you, that would also be very weird. But nothing you mentioned crosses any sort of line that I can see.

I think should make more of an effort to be involved in your kids lives without firing the nanny. Take an afternoon off and take your DD for mommy daughter manicures, or have the nanny stay with one kid while you go to sports practice with another and then you can chat up the parents. Volunteer in school, invite families over for backyard get togethers on the weekend etc. Lots of ways to spend more time with your kids and their friends without completely quitting your job and firing the nanny! I love being a SAHM but it will be very hard for me to re-enter the workforce if/when I do that. Maybe you could find a job with more flexibility/shorter hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

New details…. Interesting.

If by "interesting," you mean "trolling, as evidenced by subsequently changing the facts presented and upping the ante", then sure.

Since when is disclosing more facts "trolling"? If your nanny is gossiping with neighbors and they report it back to you, that's a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

New details…. Interesting.

If by "interesting," you mean "trolling, as evidenced by subsequently changing the facts presented and upping the ante", then sure.

Bingo

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very jealous!

OP here. Perhaps I do. Maybe my feelings are telling me to fire her, quit my job and enjoy time with my youngest? Or maybe better boundaries solves this problem. Again, we've had several nannies and never had this dynamic before.

what kind of boundaries, exactly? are you going to tell her she can’t talk to parents at school pickups?

OP are you under anxiety and stress in some other part of your life? Because your nanny sounds totally normal, but you are focused on her behavior in a hostile way that does not seem merited. When that happens to me, usually it’s because I am stressed for some other reason.

You're probably right. I've worked with nannies for over a decade now and never felt like a nanny was trying to creep into my role as a mother before. It's never bothered me that they coordinate a play date. This one doesn't have many friends of her own and isn't close to her own family and the situation just feels off to me. I don't have any external, new anxiety in my life right now, other than maybe realizing my kids are growing up fast and wanting a stronger connection with my youngest. No issues with stay at home moms either. I just found a career I enjoy so I never had a strong desire to leave it.

You sound unhinged. Talking to the other parents and setting up playdates is helping your kids have a more engaging social life. If you want to be a SAHM then do it, but don't blame the nanny for this situation.