Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. You'd be parenting for like 50 years. Your kids would have weird relationships with each other. You'd be paying for college for two solid decades.

Though also, I should note -- I would never have 3 kids. Two tops, I have never, ever wanted 3 kids.

I don’t understand why people think it matters *when* the kids are in college. Ideally you should be paying with a 529 (or scholarships) and not worrying at all about how to make the tuition payments when the time comes, assuming you’ve chosen affordable school. We just write out a check from the 529 every semester. No big deal.

I like how you assume that all families have fully funded 529s for each of their children.

For us college is a dividing line. Once college is paid for, we get to make some adjustments to our finances. We have college savings but will also be paying out of pocket or a significant portion, because we will be at peak earnings during their college years plus have paid off the house, so college will be our primary expense during that time. Whereas when they were little, we weren't making as much plus had a mortgage and childcare costs.

So accounting for how we will pay for college features prominently into questions like when we will retire and how we will structure retirement savings. The idea of doing that three times over the course of 20 years sounds incredibly burdensome to me -- we'd have to be in a constant state of assessing finances to arrange those payments and then make adjustments to other finances as needed. I'd frankly rather send twins to college and have to figure it out all at once than stretch it out like that.

Not at all. If I'd been younger when I started having kids and $$$ wasn't an issue, I'd have loved to have 3 with 3-4 years between each but not more than that.

I think in the scenario of having a third at 44 when you have a 10 year old and 20 year old would just be exhausting. I can't imagine wanting to start over again. And they'd all really live like only children rather than a group that does things together. Remember that when that youngest is in high school, the oldest will likely be starting their own family and it will be grandparent phase starting.

My cousin had three kids close in age and then a 4th when that group was all teens. It was fun when he was little. Kind of the little mascot of the family, brought along to all their sports events but mostly grew up like an only child as the olders left home. By the time he was in HS, the parents seemed like they had really moved on from parenting, focused on new grandbabies and enjoying empty nester life while, whoops! they still had a kid at home. I'd seen big celebrations of graduations and other milestones with the older kids but by the time that last one did it seemed like nobody was that interested.

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. You'd be parenting for like 50 years. Your kids would have weird relationships with each other. You'd be paying for college for two solid decades.

Though also, I should note -- I would never have 3 kids. Two tops, I have never, ever wanted 3 kids.

I don’t understand why people think it matters *when* the kids are in college. Ideally you should be paying with a 529 (or scholarships) and not worrying at all about how to make the tuition payments when the time comes, assuming you’ve chosen affordable school. We just write out a check from the 529 every semester. No big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two kids are good enough, extras are unnecessary strain on your physical, mental, marital, financial and professional health.

I agree with this for myself; I think some families do in fact have extra capacity and ability to parent more than 2, but I personally do not and I think that's pretty typical for a MC/UMC family in the US in 2023.

I also grew up in a large family where my parents definitely did not have the capacity for it and the negatives in that situation are very big. So I just wouldn't be cavalier about having 3 or more kids, like "oh no big deal, through it on the pile" because having been on the inside of that in a family that wasn't built for it, "just one more" is not a small deal. And I say that as one of the kids who was "just one more" not as a beleaguered older child -- my older siblings loved having a big family, the younger kids not so much.

This..every time I am wistful about not having a 3rd, I take a good long look at myself and come back to the realization that DH and I don't have the capacity to parent (well) more than 2 kids... obviously there are many other families and situations who do this beautifully but we cannot. We have more than enough money, but right now we spend a *lot* of time with the kids (homework, activities, just talking about their issues at night, etc). I don't know where I'd have time for a 3rd like this, with jobs and elders to help with.

As for big gaps, I had that as a child and hated it. Even though my sibling and I get along fine, we just don't have the closeness the kids close together have.

Anonymous wrote:Donald Trump, Clint Eastwood, Eddie Murphy.

My guess is they are not the primary parent and contribute minimally to raising them.

This scenario sounds awful! Why would you do that to yourself (if you are someone who actually participates significantly in raising the kids)

Absolutely not. We wanted ours as close together in age as possible

Adding another child to the family completely changes family dynamics. Sadly, its a decision taken really lightly by most families.

Anonymous wrote:Two kids are good enough, extras are unnecessary strain on your physical, mental, marital, financial and professional health.

I agree with this for myself; I think some families do in fact have extra capacity and ability to parent more than 2, but I personally do not and I think that's pretty typical for a MC/UMC family in the US in 2023.

I also grew up in a large family where my parents definitely did not have the capacity for it and the negatives in that situation are very big. So I just wouldn't be cavalier about having 3 or more kids, like "oh no big deal, through it on the pile" because having been on the inside of that in a family that wasn't built for it, "just one more" is not a small deal. And I say that as one of the kids who was "just one more" not as a beleaguered older child -- my older siblings loved having a big family, the younger kids not so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell no. You'd be parenting for like 50 years. Your kids would have weird relationships with each other. You'd be paying for college for two solid decades.

Though also, I should note -- I would never have 3 kids. Two tops, I have never, ever wanted 3 kids.

Of course, they would, since they'd have you for their mom.

What an unnecessarily rude comment. I'm guessing you have kids with a big age gap and are feeling defensive.

I personally would not want two of my kids to have a 20 year age gap and been different generations -- I think it would make it hard/impossible for them to see each other as peers, and would risk the older child being parentified and treated as a third adult in the household. Which they would be, since they'd be in college when their youngest sibling was born.

I'm sure there are unconventional families, especially blended families, where people make that work, but I would not want to choose it on purpose because I think it would be very hard work to keep it from being a problem or source of conflict or resentment. I think it was hard enough for my parents with a gap of 10 years between oldest and youngest, I wouldn't want any more than that personally.

Two kids are good enough, extras are unnecessary strain on your physical, mental, marital, financial and professional health.

Things that make you go hmmm

Imho, best time to have kids is between 27-37. You want them to have a college degree and independent by the time you are in your early 50's so you can enjoy some carefree years before your health, aging, retirement issues start kicking in.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I can’t imagine being deep in the baby years AND parenting a new teen simultaneously. Frankly I had mine close together so that once I was done with diapers, I was done forever.

This PP back to add: I think the kids in this scenario would be fine. I grew up with one sister close in age and one much older and we all get on very well. I don’t think there’s any ideal or terrible spacing for every set of kids and their relatives depend more on the family dynamics and their personalities. But if the parents wanted to space three kids 10 years apart more power to them! But for me personally: absolutely not, that’s not my ideal vision of parenting and I much prefer my two closely spaced kids. If I’d had infertility and ended up with a ten year gap that wouldn’t be the end of the world but no way would I do it on purpose.

i wouldnt opt for a that but if that what life gave me I wouldn't complain.

Absolutely not, no way.