Agree to get involved. I wouldn’t try to do it behind your child’s back, as others have suggested. I would explain why you need to, and ask why he fears you getting involved, and explain how you will try to protect him from those bad things happening too.

I don’t suspect that he wants you to stay out of it because he’s at fault. I suspect he wants you to stay out of it because he’s scared of the teacher, which makes it feel even more important to me that you jump in.

I’m very sorry, OP.

I realize we can’t bulldoze for our kids but this sounds serious.

Please speak to teacher and/or counselor. My DD had an issue senior year of high school (high school!!) in APS where the teacher was always picking on her and singling her out and treating her like her punching bag. It was apparent to the other kids in the class and everyone said nothing because they didn’t want to be on the receiving end. We talked to her counselor and she arranged a meeting with the teacher which we all attended. It was not fun but very necessary. Things were somewhat better after.

OP, I realize it makes it very difficult when your child trusted you with information and doesn't want you to get involved. But another parent chiming in to say that we had a really bad teacher situation in the past. My kids wasn't particularly targeted (a few others were). But the whole class was treated poorly, the teacher said/did inappropriate things, and my kid was traumatized. Really regret not speaking up sooner.

When the school admin did (finally) become aware, the teacher was removed immediately.

Anonymous wrote:


How do you know he's telling the truth? Kids this age often blame things on the teacher. Maybe he "doesn't want you to get involved" because you'll find out that he's lying. Maybe he's misbehaving and she's just calling him on it.



Do you know the number one Ted talk is about schools and teachers killing kids’ creativity. It’s been watched 75 million times, so I’d say it strikes a nerve.

Teacher’s routinely fail kids. I’ve seen it. These same teachers may even be phenomenal with other kids.

My mom is a teacher, before you say I hate teachers. I saw many kids come up to her and thank her in public. But, I’m certain she failed kids too.

PP, please proofread before posting.

We had a problem like this last year. Teacher was both really mean, played favorites and totally inappropriate. It really ruined the year for my son and made every day stressful for the entire family. I really regret honoring my son's request that we not get the principal involved during the school year. Right before the end of the year the school's gifted coordinator reached out to us to tell us she was troubled by what she was seeing in the classroom. We ended up talking to the school's principal over the summer and she was super troubled by what we told her (our kid told us more things over the summer, some of which was borderline stuff that would trigger mandatory reporting laws).

OP, my 11 year old son is experiencing similar problems with his Catholic school teacher who nit picks him for the most minor infractions (drinking too loudly) while ignoring class distractions by others. She also subjectively lowers his grade sometimes, for example a “C” for a good grammatically correct paper while giving classmates As and Bs.

I had to elevate issues to principal. Be sure to send emails to teacher documenting concerns, if you need proof later.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I appreciate the different perspectives. I don’t assume he’s a bad teacher, I allow for the possibility that my child isn’t giving me an accurate report, but I still conclude that whatever is happening is hurting his self-esteem. Easier said than done to communicate with the teacher behind his back - i need him to trust me enough to confide in me in the future, so if something more serious ever comes up he doesn’t bypass me because he knows he can’t trust me to keep my word. I really was just venting because it sucks to have your kid cry about non-academic school issues.

He won’t know! Just talk to the teacher!! You will tell your son if he does find out that you just wanted to talk and didn’t “get involved”. Gosh what are you even doing, ugh

So many people have offered thoughtful suggestions. You’re the first poster who has attacked me. You might want to consider what that says about you. I’m doing what I need to do for me and my family, in the way I deem appropriate based on my lived experience with the human beings in my house. I’m listening to what people have to say here, at least to the extent it’s not toxic and hateful.

Anonymous wrote:

She has consistently singled him out in negative ways and doesn’t make any effort to hide her dislike for him. He’s 12. He comes home and cries. That’s all. Not looking for advice, just needed to put it out there (he is adamant that I not get involved).

How do you know he's telling the truth? Kids this age often blame things on the teacher. Maybe he "doesn't want you to get involved" because you'll find out that he's lying. Maybe he's misbehaving and she's just calling him on it.

Do you know the number one Ted talk is about schools and teachers killing kids’ creativity. It’s been watched 75 million times, so I’d say it strikes a nerve.

Teacher’s routinely fail kids. I’ve seen it. These same teachers may even be phenomenal with other kids.

My mom is a teacher, before you say I hate teachers. I saw many kids come up to her and thank her in public. But, I’m certain she failed kids too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I appreciate the different perspectives. I don’t assume he’s a bad teacher, I allow for the possibility that my child isn’t giving me an accurate report, but I still conclude that whatever is happening is hurting his self-esteem. Easier said than done to communicate with the teacher behind his back - i need him to trust me enough to confide in me in the future, so if something more serious ever comes up he doesn’t bypass me because he knows he can’t trust me to keep my word. I really was just venting because it sucks to have your kid cry about non-academic school issues.

He won’t know! Just talk to the teacher!! You will tell your son if he does find out that you just wanted to talk and didn’t “get involved”. Gosh what are you even doing, ugh

Our generation of parents simply let the kids lead way too much. If this were my kid, I'd be trying to find out what's going on. Maybe he's struggling academically? Maybe the teacher really is singling him out in some way, or making him feel that he is?

Why are so many people trying to blame the kid. Even if he isn’t a saint he shouldn’t be crying about what’s going on. The teacher is an adult and should have taken care of whatever situation is there. Be on your kid’s side!

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I appreciate the different perspectives. I don’t assume he’s a bad teacher, I allow for the possibility that my child isn’t giving me an accurate report, but I still conclude that whatever is happening is hurting his self-esteem. Easier said than done to communicate with the teacher behind his back - i need him to trust me enough to confide in me in the future, so if something more serious ever comes up he doesn’t bypass me because he knows he can’t trust me to keep my word. I really was just venting because it sucks to have your kid cry about non-academic school issues.

He won’t know! Just talk to the teacher!! You will tell your son if he does find out that you just wanted to talk and didn’t “get involved”. Gosh what are you even doing, ugh

Anonymous wrote:These situations can be tough b/c sometimes there is an issue with the teacher and sometimes there is an issue with behavior or anxiety. Do you know any other parents with kids in that class? What one kid thinks it getting "picked on" might just be something as simple as being expected to follow the rules.

+1 to talking with other parents, especially if you know any with older kids. My son was having a tough time with a teacher in an elective class in middle school. I later learned from other parents that this teacher was notorious for picking one target every semester. And my son had the bad luck to be that semester's target. If I'd known that sooner I'd have encouraged him to drop the class.

I do think, generally, you should approach the teacher but only after buy in from your son. If he doesn't want you talking to the teacher, I would respect that. In my son's case he was adamant that I not and from what I learned later, I'm sure it would have just increased the crap he was getting from that teacher. But, I would talk with the counselor who may have advice on navigating and would likely know if this is a pattern of behavior from that teacher.

Anonymous wrote:She has consistently singled him out in negative ways and doesn’t make any effort to hide her dislike for him. He’s 12. He comes home and cries. That’s all. Not looking for advice, just needed to put it out there (he is adamant that I not get involved).

Get involved. Something more is going on.

He could be afraid if you ask you will find out the truth. And in fact he is building up the story that it's the teacher who doesn't like him so that when the teacher finally does come to you with the issue, he can say, see I told you she hates me, I have been telling you all along...

It could be the teacher. It could be that he is being bullied by another student and she is attempting to get the kids to work together. Who knows. Set up an appointment to talk to her, don't tell your DS and meet with her and just ask how he is doing in class, that he is mentioned he feels like he is struggling, etc

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I appreciate the different perspectives. I don’t assume he’s a bad teacher, I allow for the possibility that my child isn’t giving me an accurate report, but I still conclude that whatever is happening is hurting his self-esteem. Easier said than done to communicate with the teacher behind his back - i need him to trust me enough to confide in me in the future, so if something more serious ever comes up he doesn’t bypass me because he knows he can’t trust me to keep my word. I really was just venting because it sucks to have your kid cry about non-academic school issues.

I think that it would be worthwhile to revisit the topic with your son and tell him that you have done some more thinking about it and that you would like to ask the teacher about it. I'd try to honor your son's confiding in you, but, let him know that as his parent that you have a responsibility to look out for his best interest and that you can do so in a way that is respectful and will not risk him being punished or ostracized further. Maybe you could write up what you intend to ask or how you intend to address and share it with your son to help him feel more comfortable? Invite him into the process so that he can feel some degree or ownership or comfort over how it is handled and show him you have his back and will support him.

This.

I really appreciate the feedback. It’s given me a few things to think about for sure.