We do our best to surround them with beautiful people as much as possible and then compare their looks to those people in a positive light.

I mostly tell my daughter that I like the way she fixed her hair, I like her outfit, she smells good, etc. Things she can control. And of course I tell her she is funny, smart, talented, which are things she can't control but are part if her in a way looks aren't.

Anonymous wrote:Looks will generally help you get further in life. So I would make sure she enhances rhe best parts of herself. And once old enough if she doesn’t like something, she can fix it.

Sad

Teach them nutrition and exercise. No one is blind. You cannot fake and tell anyone that they are looking good if they are not. But, the aim is not to be super slim. The aim is to be healthy and fit.

Incorporate good nutrition, dental care, skin care, hair care, eye care, stess management, good posture, good sleep, healthy habits and exercise into their life. Socialize them, teach them good manners, expand their intellectual horizons, make them capable and make them learn skills. This begins when they are young kids and not when they become teens. Be consistent in your messaging and walk the talk. Finally, hairstyle, good grooming and dressing appropriately is also key.

If you limit their screen time and social media as consumer and participant, a lot of the problems get mitigated. Finally, keep them super busy in extracurricular activities and academics. This is easier said than done. You also have to spend a lot of your time with them to make these activities happen, and you have to create a network and community of parents and children who value these same things without toxicity. Let them get their validation come from their achievements in EC and activities primarily.

I’m good enough I’m smart enough and dog gone it people like me

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have more than one girl NEVER EVER compare them. Nothing was more painful then hearing my mother gush over my younger sister's looks and having nothing to say about mine. She looks like me in the face except she's tall and straight haired while I am short and curly so you can imagine the agony as a teen.

That's not comparing your kids. She didn't say "It's a shame you don't look like Sara" or "I wish you had shiny hair like Sara instead of that frizzy mop." She complimented one kid on something. She probably complimented you on other things and you were so focused on your looks that you ignored those compliments and only focused on what you didn't get.

"Sara has such silky hair. If you brushed yours properly every night it wouldn't be so crazy." So I brushed and brushed, and if you have curly hair you know what brushing does to it.
"Sara looks just like the Girl from Ipanema walking on the beach. Just like me when I was a teenager. I wonder why you ended up being so short when all the women in our family are tall. Maybe I should have made you take vitamins."
She has always complimented me on my comedic skills, though. I make her laugh. Anyway my sister and I are both very nice looking now.

Anonymous wrote:If you have more than one girl NEVER EVER compare them. Nothing was more painful then hearing my mother gush over my younger sister's looks and having nothing to say about mine. She looks like me in the face except she's tall and straight haired while I am short and curly so you can imagine the agony as a teen.

That's not comparing your kids. She didn't say "It's a shame you don't look like Sara" or "I wish you had shiny hair like Sara instead of that frizzy mop." She complimented one kid on something. She probably complimented you on other things and you were so focused on your looks that you ignored those compliments and only focused on what you didn't get.

I do agree with a previous poster to teach your child about being put together. Clean shoes, clothes that match, teach them to take pride in their appearance. So then it becomes not so much about beauty that they may or may not be born with, but about projecting and having a positive image about yourself.

Looks will generally help you get further in life. So I would make sure she enhances rhe best parts of herself. And once old enough if she doesn’t like something, she can fix it.

If you have more than one girl NEVER EVER compare them. Nothing was more painful then hearing my mother gush over my younger sister's looks and having nothing to say about mine. She looks like me in the face except she's tall and straight haired while I am short and curly so you can imagine the agony as a teen.

I am meticulous abt not mentioning weight or criticizing my (or anyone else’s appearance) but I don’t think the odd remark about appearance is a problem (“wow, cousin Molly’s hair looks pretty in that picture wonder who did those braids?”) it doesn’t seem advisable to act like beauty ( in the broadest sense) is a thing when it definitely is.

Why would you not want your daughter to look as beautiful as she could? I don’t understand. A beautiful child has many advantages over an ugly one, and ignoring her looks won’t make her any less concerned about them.

I want my daughter to be beautiful. She knows she is pretty and people tell her that. But she knows that she is not *only* pretty, that she is also smart, often whiny, sensitive, clever and gregarious. We work on all aspects of our character, and beauty is one of them. We have a saying about getting ready in the morning to that effect: “do the best with what you have and then forget about yourself”. It puts looks to scale; a happy girl who isn’t self-conscious is always pretty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not really sure how much you can control this if your kids are in a school social environment. Unattractive people are treated differently than attractive people, and I'm not sure how helpful it is to deny this.

The reality is that attractive looks and body are almost always the primary factor in spouse selection, especially for men. No one likes to admit it, but we all know it's true.

"Looking good" is an ever shifting unattainable ideal which is perpetuated by advertisers and male supremacy culture. My goal is to have my daughters be self confident in general, and not to focus specifically on appearance.

+1 it’s just reality. My mom always told me I was pretty, but my classmates made the reality known — the pretty girls did not want to be friends with me and the boys did not want to date me.

I chose to take pride in my intellect, but now I’m at a career stage where competition is tight, and guess who gets the coveted positions? Not the smartest women, but the prettiest of the smart women. Beauty always gives women an edge.

+2 I think we owe it to our daughters to be honest with them about beauty AND also help them cultivate more meaningful qualities.

I’ve taught my daughter (now 15) that our bodies are a tool to help us live fun and fulfilling lives, not for decoration. If our legs allow us to ride bikes, our hands allows us to play the piano, our eyes allow us to watch movies and our noses allow us to smell roses then everything is working as intended. I never ever commented on my daughters looks when she was little (and rarely do so now) and any compliments about appearance were for cool outfit choices or cute hairdos as a way to compliment her taste and effort as opposed to any intrinsic standard of beauty. Also I never comment about other people’s looks ever, not about celebrities or neighbors or anyone else. My attitude is always like looks don’t even exist.

Anonymous wrote:Don't obsess about your own looks. Don't talk about needing to lose weight or hating how you look in that picture. Normalize not needing make up etc.

This^. Don't be obsessed with your looks or theirs.