You and your daughter should be scared shitless and she should not drink. That is MAJOR RED FLAG for future alcohol issues. MAJOR. Life has given her a gift if she figured it out this early.

It is amazing that she came to you. Good luck OP.

If you are willing to share for the benefit of the rest of us OP, how did you miss that she was black out drunk on a regular basis? Sleepovers? I genuinely would like to know ways a kid could hide this from parents if there is something other than sleepovers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard no on drinking at parties. And in your situation, I wouldn't even allow an occasional drink with the family at dinner, given that she has a known alcohol problem.

+1. Sorry to say it, but the fact that your teenager came to you and told you she was drinking because she thinks she likes drinking too much is a major, major, red flag for her for alcohol use disorder. I wouldn't blow that off. I'd get her into therapy for it and get her some tools to manage that as she moves into adulthood.

Frankly, I'd be relieved to have the excuse to say no to her friend's party because the parents are supplying booze. Hugely irresponsible. I would think about calling the cops and tipping them off.

^^Sorry, just read she's in therapy.

I'd still be a hard no on this party, but when I was working on not drinking I had buddies I could text when tempted - any chance of a support like that for her?

And I agree on the friend group - there are kids who don't party all the time on the weekends. she should look to make some friends among those kids.

Anonymous wrote:Hard no on drinking at parties. And in your situation, I wouldn't even allow an occasional drink with the family at dinner, given that she has a known alcohol problem.

+1. Sorry to say it, but the fact that your teenager came to you and told you she was drinking because she thinks she likes drinking too much is a major, major, red flag for her for alcohol use disorder. I wouldn't blow that off. I'd get her into therapy for it and get her some tools to manage that as she moves into adulthood.

Frankly, I'd be relieved to have the excuse to say no to her friend's party because the parents are supplying booze. Hugely irresponsible. I would think about calling the cops and tipping them off.

It sounds like you are doing a lot right, OP, so good job. Your child coming to you in the first place is incredible, and it seems she is getting the help she needs to understand that, for her, there's just no "safe amount" of alcohol. For whatever reason, her brain is wired for alcohol use disorder. That sucks for her given how prevalent drinking is in our culture, but knowing is important.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/21/well/family/Teenage-drinking-alcohol-disorder.html

As for navigating the friend groups, I'm pretty surprised by how prevalent drinking seems to be in this story, and I agree that a change in venue might be helpful.

With that said, I do find the Youth of Today pretty open-minded. How would your daughter feel about flat-out telling her closest friends that she has "an addictive personality" and she'd prefer not to drink or be offered drinks?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Decide what's important to you, knowing that parties with drinks available are pretty much the norm in high school. I appreciate the "hard no" family's position, but you need to make peace with yourself that you are asking your kid to break rules/sneak around/do unsafe things so they don't get in trouble. We decided safety was most important to us. My 16yo ds is the sporty crowd and there are parties, I don't know if parents know drinks circulating or not. He has gotten the messaging (over and over again) that any mix of drinking/driving is a violation of trust so profound that his freedoms will be curtailed immediately, but that he will not get in trouble for calling us at any time for a ride home. I think a lot of parents say that, but you've gotta mean it. So if he's going out we ask where, we talk about whether he's driving and what alterative plan is if not, if there is a designated driver (in his peer group there often is).

This is our approach. Just a few weeks ago my 16 yo drove to her friends house and they had a few drinks. Her friends were encouraging her to drive home but she called us instead. My husband went to pick her up and said nothing other than “you made an excellent decision and we are proud of that.”
If a teen wants to drink, they will. I just want her to be safe if she’s doing it.

It’s possible to tell your kids you don’t condone drinking AND be there for them if they do. Parents absolutely have influence on their teens; it’s not a lock them in their rooms vs. throwing your hands up dichotomy. While you’re at it, it’s also important to be explicit with kids about what their peers are doing. It sounds like the DD in this case made the absolute right call, which is terrific. You can follow up with a discussion of hey, what’s up with your friends encouraging you to drive drunk?

Also: there is *no* “safe” amount of drinking for teens, not when it comes to brain development. If you don’t want to take a hard line approach, fine, but don’t fool yourself that it’s safe in any way. It’s not.

OP - have you talked to your DD’s therapist about sober weekend activities for her? She needs a robust social life developmentally, but you’re smart to balance that with avoiding alcohol for her (and I do think for a kid with her history, avoidance is best). There are plenty of kids who don’t drink alcohol in HS and plenty of fun to be had while sober.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really think anyone else’s teens are relevant.

YOUR teen got so worried about her frequent binge drinking that she asked for help from her parents. That’s pretty extreme. I remember getting so drunk I puked, but I would have never ever told my parents. She asked for help because she has a problem.

I think you should encourage her to consider whether or not she’s an alcoholic.

OP here. We agree that blacking out is extreme. She is being treated by a licensed therapist who specializes in substance abuse in adolescents.

What we are struggling with now (after keeping her in a protective bubble for the last few months) is how to navigate an environment where drinking in high school (at least in her fairly large peer group) seems to be prevalent. We can't keep her trapped at home for the next 2 years. It's helpful to get others perspectives.

What else does she like to do? It would be great if she could get a new peer group. Is a new school an option (private, moving to a new school area)? Every school will have a drinking scene, but there will also be some kids who aren’t into drinking. You need her to find a group where kids have more fun doing other things.

Your teenager is not capable of drinking responsibly. She needs to not drink, and leave parties early, before everyone gets sloppy drunk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really think anyone else’s teens are relevant.

YOUR teen got so worried about her frequent binge drinking that she asked for help from her parents. That’s pretty extreme. I remember getting so drunk I puked, but I would have never ever told my parents. She asked for help because she has a problem.

I think you should encourage her to consider whether or not she’s an alcoholic.

OP here. We agree that blacking out is extreme. She is being treated by a licensed therapist who specializes in substance abuse in adolescents.

What we are struggling with now (after keeping her in a protective bubble for the last few months) is how to navigate an environment where drinking in high school (at least in her fairly large peer group) seems to be prevalent. We can't keep her trapped at home for the next 2 years. It's helpful to get others perspectives.

You absolutely can and you'd damn well better, until she gets herself straightened out. In addition to therapy, there should be parental consequences for this level of stupidity. In my house, she would be grounded for quite some time.

OP,
What started this drinking till she blacks out?
Did anything happen to her that she is not sharing?
That would be my worry. That this drinking is just to drown out something else.

Anonymous wrote:Decide what's important to you, knowing that parties with drinks available are pretty much the norm in high school. I appreciate the "hard no" family's position, but you need to make peace with yourself that you are asking your kid to break rules/sneak around/do unsafe things so they don't get in trouble. We decided safety was most important to us. My 16yo ds is the sporty crowd and there are parties, I don't know if parents know drinks circulating or not. He has gotten the messaging (over and over again) that any mix of drinking/driving is a violation of trust so profound that his freedoms will be curtailed immediately, but that he will not get in trouble for calling us at any time for a ride home. I think a lot of parents say that, but you've gotta mean it. So if he's going out we ask where, we talk about whether he's driving and what alterative plan is if not, if there is a designated driver (in his peer group there often is).

This is our approach. Just a few weeks ago my 16 yo drove to her friends house and they had a few drinks. Her friends were encouraging her to drive home but she called us instead. My husband went to pick her up and said nothing other than “you made an excellent decision and we are proud of that.”
If a teen wants to drink, they will. I just want her to be safe if she’s doing it.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really think anyone else’s teens are relevant.

YOUR teen got so worried about her frequent binge drinking that she asked for help from her parents. That’s pretty extreme. I remember getting so drunk I puked, but I would have never ever told my parents. She asked for help because she has a problem.

I think you should encourage her to consider whether or not she’s an alcoholic.

OP here. We agree that blacking out is extreme. She is being treated by a licensed therapist who specializes in substance abuse in adolescents.

What we are struggling with now (after keeping her in a protective bubble for the last few months) is how to navigate an environment where drinking in high school (at least in her fairly large peer group) seems to be prevalent. We can't keep her trapped at home for the next 2 years. It's helpful to get others perspectives.

So many red flags.
I know your child is in therapy which is good, but if this were my child, going away or living elsewhere for college would be off the table until I saw that she had advanced to a point where she no longer was addicted to alcohol. I view this in the same light as if she was having severe psychological problems and proceed accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is very alarming. I’m so glad she came to you. It is likely it would be very dangerous for to her ever drink again.

I suggest following up this initial pause from drinking with some education and counseling for everyone in your family about the profession of alcoholism and how it impacts the adolescent brain. Instead of focusing on responsible drinking, perhaps instead focus on the high risks associated with consuming any amount of alcohol for a teen who enjoys binge drinking go the point of blacking out, and equip her with the skills to say no and stand up to peer pressure.

I think it is very difficult to be proactive in this situation, but it would be worth it. I suggest starting with any of the local outpatient treatment programs to see what resources are available. It might be that outpatient treatment isn’t what is appropriate for your daughter, but they may be able to make some specific suggestions about programs that are appropriate for your family.

Good luck OP. Stay vigilant.

OP here.

We're trying, thank you. She began therapy shortly after coming to us and with a therapist who specializes in substance abuse and adolescents. She talks to her weekly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a father who only has sons. I would let them drink but if they ever got drunk drunk they would be in trouble. I would not let my daughter drink, if I had one. IMO there is no such thing as a safe space for a drunk girl

MOSTLY BECAUSE THERE ARE DRUNK BOYS since drinking further inhibits any reasoning skills they have, is usually a group activity where group think increases, and increases impulsivity.

You are a part of the problem sir.

He has a point and you do, too. When I was a teen, I heard from other girls about being sexually assaulted and raped while drunk at parties. In those days, I thought "well what did you expect?". I never drank at parties because I actually believed that sexual assault was likely to occur if I got drunk. The boys who were doing it were "good kids". It was almost like a funny joke, "Joann passed out at a party and woke up with Eddie's dick in her mouth! Ha Ha" and she'd be labelled a sl*t, because Eddie had a girlfriend.
I am a hard no to drinking and drugs for my kids.