OP, I think being chill with your older boy is the only way to go here. Clearly the situation is stressful for you both! I might start staying farther from him in the bathroom with him — like at the rate of an inch a week — and see if you can work up to in the doorway and then outside the door still watching etc.

With your younger, I’d not worry too much about replicating the situation. Every kid is their own self and comes up with their own unique parenting challenges. Maybe if you’re lucky, little bro will be excited enough about doing potty stuff All By Himself that big bro will finally be motivated.

Just buy a small pack of diapers. Don’t stress over it. Tell him he needs to go to the bathroom but if he doesn’t want to put one on him. It’s not to punish him, it’s just making sure he’s covered for just in case.

OP here. I agree with those who are saying I made it worse when I tried to remedy it with a long day at his grandmas (only to eventually pick him up and let him go with me at 5 pm) and also when I have let him escalate and have huge meltdowns and then ultimately still gave in. I am aware of this toddler trap and do not do it in other instances -- I can resist the worst of meltdowns over begging for candy or junk food, not wanting to go somewhere, whatever. And because of our firm boundaries he is a good, sweet kid, and I think we are mostly decent parents.

But this is different -- I think I went wrong somewhere around age 3 and can't come back from it. I truly fear that if I hold a super firm line on this, it will impact his health and might mess him up mentally around going to the bathroom even worse than he already is. Reading some of these responses, I'm glad he isn't constipated or afraid to go, or peeing the bed or something....BUT it's brutal that he's so controlling and stubborn on this part of it. I think I'll try the approach of taking all the struggle out of it, because maybe that's the attention he wants, and then hoping he matures and starts to understand and this all goes away.

At this point I'm looking ahead to potty training my younger son in the next 6-8 months (he's 2 this summer), and I'm wondering how not to recreate this problem. When they are super little and just starting out, I recognize you have to be standing there to support them and show them how. But how early on do I just start to say, okay, go to the bathroom?

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disagree with the “tough love” style recommendations here. but it’s just not my parenting style. so if you want the “softie” view…. disengage. do what he needs (wants?!) with as little fuss as possible. make it boring. read a book and ignore him while he goes. once you’ve dialed down the temperature for a few days, set a basket of bribes (toys, candy, whatever) in visible sight of the bathroom and tell him he can have one when he goes by himself. keep it very matter of fact. what you’re trying to do is create an incentive while removing the positive feedback of giving attention. but the more excited you get about the prize —or frustrated about the waiting— the more you dial up the stress. for both of you.

Please! If he wants the toys or candy. Hell get them and op.wont make him work for.it.

He is also likely to refuse to go until he gets candy.

Op needs parenting guidance not more obstacles

I don’t disagree with the “tough love” style recommendations here. but it’s just not my parenting style. so if you want the “softie” view…. disengage. do what he needs (wants?!) with as little fuss as possible. make it boring. read a book and ignore him while he goes. once you’ve dialed down the temperature for a few days, set a basket of bribes (toys, candy, whatever) in visible sight of the bathroom and tell him he can have one when he goes by himself. keep it very matter of fact. what you’re trying to do is create an incentive while removing the positive feedback of giving attention. but the more excited you get about the prize —or frustrated about the waiting— the more you dial up the stress. for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he do this for pooping as well?

Yes, poop and pee.

I tried recently (since posting this) and it was the most annoying 30+ minute stand off. He had an accident in the floor, it freaked him out, he wouldn't finish unless I came in the bathroom with him, he was sobbing hysterically. I tried to ignore but it just didn't stop and he didn't go.

I think I just have to not mention it any more and hope it passes one day. I have no clue.

You quit in 30 minutes?

I agree that parenting help is in order.

Either decide you're going to follow through or wait until you have a professional. Or pay your nanny a huge bonus and leave him with her for a few days. But what you did here was reinforce this. It's going to be much harder now that he knows he can outlast you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he do this for pooping as well?

Yes, poop and pee.

I tried recently (since posting this) and it was the most annoying 30+ minute stand off. He had an accident in the floor, it freaked him out, he wouldn't finish unless I came in the bathroom with him, he was sobbing hysterically. I tried to ignore but it just didn't stop and he didn't go.

I think I just have to not mention it any more and hope it passes one day. I have no clue.

So you set a boundary.
He pushed back
You held firm.
He escalated
You gave in

I don't think this is a potty issue or at least not primarily.

See if you can get in with a behavior or parenting coach.

You have made it worse. You tried to set a boundary and he won. Now he knows next time he can win and will respond accordingly. I'm a big fan for talking a big change up for several days. Make sure he totally knows it coming. Then you stand firm. No exceptions. It will be even harder than the first time because he's already learned you will cave. If he throws a tantrum you make sure he's safe and walk away. Expect the standoff to last a long time and be prepared for it. You need to be more stubborn than he is. If you can't do it then I wouldn't try.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he do this for pooping as well?

Yes, poop and pee.

I tried recently (since posting this) and it was the most annoying 30+ minute stand off. He had an accident in the floor, it freaked him out, he wouldn't finish unless I came in the bathroom with him, he was sobbing hysterically. I tried to ignore but it just didn't stop and he didn't go.

I think I just have to not mention it any more and hope it passes one day. I have no clue.

So you set a boundary.
He pushed back
You held firm.
He escalated
You gave in

I don't think this is a potty issue or at least not primarily.

See if you can get in with a behavior or parenting coach.