Anonymous wrote:Your big problem is your debt. That's what is making your income feel "not enough."

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with a financial advisor, or on your own if you think you can do it, and come up with a plan to pay off your student loans rapidly. If you have some loans locked in at very low rates, maybe keep those on a payment plan, but everything else, you should be looking to just pay off. I'd be looking to pay those off either entirely or at least anything at more than a 3% interest rate, within 24 months. If you can get rid of that debt, or at least get it down to maybe 50-60k locked in at low interest rates, it's going to totally change how you view your budget. Plus, that kind of debt when you have kids is a massive source of stress. Since the stress levels of your DH's job are an issue, you need to be looking for ways to eliminate other sources of stress.

I think your goal should be to get to the point where you can either quit your job OR afford a full time housekeeper/nanny who can help you share the load since your DH can't. Your income is not low in an absolute sense, but your DH has a job that assumes a SAHP or full time help, and that will never change. That's just how it is for law firm partners. So you either need to become a SAHM or hire full time help. Period.

If you pay down the loan debt, you might reach a point where you can more comfortably leave your job. I know people at that income level who pay for bare bones "catastrophic" health insurance and then pay for most actual health care out of pocket, and it makes more sense for them financially. There's also no reason, given your DH's income, why you have to go through your job for you retirement fund. Is it a government pension? I honestly am not sure it's worth it in your case. If it's a 401k with an employer match, it's definitely not worth it in our case. At your income, you have better mechanisms for savings and investment -- real estate, a bunch of money in low-fee index funds like Vanguard, etc. Again, a financial planner could help you with this. Or just buy a few financial planning books and figure it out. It's not rocket science, especially when you have your level of cash flow.

You guys are managing your finances like a couple in their late 20s or early 30s making under 200k. It's the debt that is doing it. Frankly, you should have done more to pay that down before having kids and before your DH made partner, but it's not too late. You need to grow up though. You have kids and your DH has a serious job and no one is going to feel sorry for you if you can't figure it out because you are very high income and put yourselves in this position.

Anonymous wrote:How do you continue to be supportive and not resentful of your spouses work hours? My DH has been in law for the entire time that I have known him. I obviously knew what the gig was before we got married and agreed to it. But over the years I feel like I have become more resentful of how many hours he works and the stress that comes with the job. He has moved up from staff attorney to counsel to partner in the past 12 years and the work hasn't lessened although the comp has gone up.

We have young children (under the age of 8) and I do the majority of the work. I also work fulltime in a flexible 40 hour a week job. I do all of the pick ups and drop offs, sports practices, doctors appointments, school related things. When he has downtime he helps where he can around the house, with the kids, church stuff, etc but when he is busy I know it will inevitably be a 6am-10pm sort of day for him and I will need to take care of everything else.

For those of you have raised kids and been there/done that with spouses in big law how did you handle it? Did you just get used to it over the years? I want to be less resentful and I know that he is doing this to provide a comfortable life for ourselves and our kids but it just gets to be a lot day in and day out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

Obviously I don’t know your situation, but if he’s a partner working those kinds of hours for $550k including bonus, you should consider looking at a different firm. Talk with a recruiter. That’s on the very low end of partnership (counsels at most top 100 make that) so makes me think this isn’t really big law but a small boutique or an income partner that’s really a counsel but called partner. Either way, no way those kind of hours and inflexibility for that amount of money.

Anonymous wrote:
But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

Obviously I don’t know your situation, but if he’s a partner working those kinds of hours for $550k including bonus, you should consider looking at a different firm. Talk with a recruiter. That’s on the very low end of partnership (counsels at most top 100 make that) so makes me think this isn’t really big law but a small boutique or an income partner that’s really a counsel but called partner. Either way, no way those kind of hours and inflexibility for that amount of money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

Anonymous wrote:OP do your work benefits require 40 hrs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here with some salient additional information:

1) I make around $100,000 per year but I really work for my health insurance and retirement, which we get through my job.
2) our house isn’t big enough for an au pair and I don’t really feel like having a late teen/early 20 year old to also take care of (per experiences from friends who have had au pairs)
3) we do have bi-weekly cleaners and landscapers who cut the yard and do clean ups/weeding/etc
4) we are still paying off student loans (+$250,000 between DH and myself undergrad plus grad for him and grad for me) but should be done in 3 years thank god. So between student loans and daycare costs the past 8 years we are severely behind on retirement and savings

I think what would really help is someone in the afternoons to help kids with homework/shuttle them around when needed/make dinner/help with laundry. So someone 3-4 hours a day. Is that possible? How much would that cost?

Post your budget. If you can't figure out this sh** with $650,000 HHI, how do you think the rest of us do it? Your salary should take care of daycare costs and loan payments. Where is your DH's salary going?

Anonymous wrote:Op here with some salient additional information:

1) I make around $100,000 per year but I really work for my health insurance and retirement, which we get through my job.
2) our house isn’t big enough for an au pair and I don’t really feel like having a late teen/early 20 year old to also take care of (per experiences from friends who have had au pairs)
3) we do have bi-weekly cleaners and landscapers who cut the yard and do clean ups/weeding/etc
4) we are still paying off student loans (+$250,000 between DH and myself undergrad plus grad for him and grad for me) but should be done in 3 years thank god. So between student loans and daycare costs the past 8 years we are severely behind on retirement and savings

I think what would really help is someone in the afternoons to help kids with homework/shuttle them around when needed/make dinner/help with laundry. So someone 3-4 hours a day. Is that possible? How much would that cost?