Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'd hire a temp/emergency nanny.

She's saying she needs help if you're gone. She probably does-she works full time including some weekends. Hire some help and go see your mom!

Being annoyed at the wife isn't going to help. You and wife both have your hands full-get the help and go see your mom, knowing that your wife is ok at home with dc with help. I think the stress of your mom's illness is coloring your response to your wife.

I'm sorry about your mom.

Yes, this. You guys need more help. Instead of fighting her try to make the situation work. You want to go and visit your parents. She doesn’t want to be away from a toddler for a long stretch. Honestly, as a working mom, I understand her perspective. The child is probably still at an age where they are primarily bonded to her, especially if nursing is involved. For a toddler with no theory of mind it can disrupt the attachment bond to be away from a parent for so long.

I say go with the family for a week, and find help so you can take another week there (either consecutively or not). There is definitely help out there for these situations and you should be prepared to pay a premium since it’s short term and not a daily expense.

Most importantly — do not turn this into you vs your wife. Both of you have valid perspectives. She is trying to keep herself afloat during a stressful time.

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on DCUM, so congratulations.

Can you apply for an emergency Green Card and insurance,and bring your mom to the US? Why is she even in a foreign country?

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a wimp

Not at all. OP has perspective-taking issues. Many have laid out an abundance of reasons OPs wife should not be comfortable with this.

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been married for a few years now and we have a toddler under 2 years old. We both work full time but my wife has to work on site on weekdays and some weekends. I handle the drop offs and she handles the pick ups on most days. On weekends that she has to go into work, I solo parent.

My mom is currently ill with metastatic cancer and I don't know how long she will live. She lives in a foreign country so I always feel guilty that I am not able to take care of her more often. I try to zoom with her for an average of 4x a week (30 min each) so that my mom can say hi to our son but it's not the same meeting in person. So I feel the need to go visit.

My wife and I discussed going as a family to visit but my wife can't take more than a week off. I asked my wife to return to the US alone after a week and I can stay with the kid for 1-2 more weeks and come back with the kid. She vetoed the idea b/c she didn't want to be apart from the baby. I completely understand her fear. So I suggested that she should stay in the US with the kid and I can go for 1-2 weeks by myself and she didn't like that either and asked for a temporary live in nanny to help with morning prep to send to daycare, pick up, and putting baby to sleep. There's absolutely no nanny that will do fragmented hours for 1-2 week only. She's essentially saying I can't go alone b/c taking care of kid is too burdensome for her alone but I can't take the kid with me alone either. I feel trapped with no good options. I envisioned married couples would cover for each other when urgent situations arose. I cover for her on the weekends that she works and also when her grandparent passed away.

Why can't she step up and cover for me while I visit my mom (or be apart from the kid for 1-2 weeks if she can't handle the burden of solo parenting?). Am I being unreasonable in asking for 'coverage' while I visit my ailing mom or taking the kid? Do you have any recommendation on a solution? All thoughts appreciated.

Did you just ask Why can’t she step up and solo parent?

I hope this tone or reaction is just your stress talking.

First off, you ain’t a solo parent either Joe. Your wife does day care drop off, you do the pick up and you play with the kid when some “sometimes has to work on the weekends.” Unclear if you work from home or hybrid or an office most days. Or if you are both equal pay or there is a breadwinner.

Second off, she told you she needs sitter coverage if you’re going on a 1-2 week trip. She needs it due to the nature of her job, the nature of kids under age 12, and to keep the house and kid running in schedule and routine.

I’m a dentist. I can’t make it to anything at school unless I book it four weeks in advance.

We used to offer Saturday morning appts and some days 7am onward. That was tough as a parent.

Why are you feeling trapped OP?

You wife listened to you and said you should go but she needs live in help or someone to help with morning and after day care routine or weekends. If she is a doctor, PA or nurse with various hours or shifts this makes total sense.

Get a move on. Book your flight and start searching for responsible live in help for that week or two.

You know that your wife can hire whatever help she needs/wants once your butt is out the door right? You are kidding yourself if you think she’s not going to do this, I sure would, and I might even pull the kid from daycare or just pay the nanny to be there to get the kid from daycare so I could work, again once your gone, she can spend whatever money she’d like and hire someone for as long as she’d like even if much of their time is to sit at the house and wait for her to call.
Realize that while you’re gone, she’s still working, and daycare has a way of calling when it is awful for you as a parent, the kid gets an ear infection so you have to miss work.. the kid pukes so you have to miss work, all things that are minor but are very difficult when working and parenting solo, i.e. your husband, the man you married is not physically able to come home and so much as give you a hug or be in the same house because it’s 2:00 in the morning, your kid is in pain, you’re overtired and it’s a long way until morning. One could argue that you aren’t being supportive of her if you’re willing to put her in this position and expect her to do it solo. She wants to hire help, let her.

Caring your kid solo on the weekends may be lonely, but at least you don’t have the pressure to be out the door at a certain time. Nobody will care if you miss baby music class, not even the baby for whom this benefits. If you don’t want your wife to work weekends, tell her. You are well within your rights to say that you are missing family time and couple time. The wife taking a couple hours of PTO is the worst of all worlds, 2 hours a day of pto burns leave real quick, and she’ll still have all the “going to work” drama, getting ready, leaving, hoping like hell daycare doesn’t call, then getting home, it’s one reason I didn’t ever want to work part-time.

As for you taking the baby overseas, the person who mentioned things like formula and the like is correct. I hope you aren’t expecting another woman to care for your kid, or that worked for your mom will work for you. My parents are great, but I can remember being shocked at how little they remembered about things like toddler proffing their house. Obviously they got something right, I’m still here, but I well remember how sloppy they were at leaving objects out that weren’t safe for a toddler to be around and them thinking “They’ll just know to stay away from it”. In time that’s true, but under 2 is not that time.

How much care are you going to be providing for your mom with caring for your son who will be jetlagged, not used to the food, maybe not used to the water, and may be a bear when it’s bedtime and he misses his mom? You aren’t as stabilizing a force as you think, what you think of as “mom’s house’ will be a new environment to him. Are you actually going to care for your mom or just visit her? Be clear in your mind.

I personally wouldn’t want my kid going overseas without me. I’d be afraid the kid may not come back.. we may get another travel restriction. A husband may decide or feel he need to stay longer and longer and longer, and before I know it, he’s met a girl and want to marry her and the kid is now used to the country and “hasn’t seen you in awhile. These things do happen. It’s way more then “she’ll miss the baby” and if you don’t understand that, I’m sorry. As sad as it is, you don’t have to go see your mom. Like it or not, there are differences in traveling overseas that you simply don’t get when you stay in country… any country. If you do go, don’t take the kid. I’d also as your wife want full power of attorney so I could do whatever I needed while you were gone. If I want to sell the house, I can. If I need to get into your 401k, I can. Whatever I need to function, I get. We live in a world where people expect to have ready access to their spouse, or their spouse’s information and money. I’d also want to be able to easily divorce you should I need or want to. Again, you’re leaving me to go to a place where you have roots, history and family, it isn’t illogical to think that you may choose or not be able to return.. in which case I need and derserve to go about my life and be able to make whatever decisions along with the legal teeth behind them so that I can live successfully. If you won’t do this, think about why. Does your wife have ties to your home country other then you?

Finally, prioritize the marriage. Working weekends and parenting solo can ruin a marriage. Family and couple time matter. It’s not nice to expect warm fuzzy treatment from your spouse when you yourself aren’t providing it.. which you aren’t. The fact that you expect her to work and parent solo speaks volumes. You also seem to have no concept what working on-site looks like. Part of it is that yes, you do need to be there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'd hire a temp/emergency nanny.

She's saying she needs help if you're gone. She probably does-she works full time including some weekends. Hire some help and go see your mom!

Being annoyed at the wife isn't going to help. You and wife both have your hands full-get the help and go see your mom, knowing that your wife is ok at home with dc with help. I think the stress of your mom's illness is coloring your response to your wife.

I'm sorry about your mom.

She can leave the child with OP while he visits with his mother. The grandmother might also like to spend time with a grandchild she seldom sees. Wife is being selfish.

I think OP planning to care for the toddler alone in a foreign country while he's really there to visit his seriously ill mother is a bad idea. Under 2s are not exactly known for being able to do much of anything independently.

I do think the wife in this scenario needs to make the effort to help put care in place to support the husband going to visit his dying mother. I don't think that should totally be on the husband. He's not taking a vacation to pursue a hobby. He's got a family emergency.

I agree with this. It makes no sense for OP to take the kid solo. What a nightmare.

Op & spouse should work together to hire someone who can help with the kid when op is away. Op’s wife should be flexible about what that looks like. Morning help might be tough. Can she go to work an hour late and have someone help in the evenings while she stays an hour later? Have someone come on the weekends so she can catch up/nap?

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is a wimp

sounds like she's a doctor or nurse schedule, and takes weekend hours and shifts.

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been married for a few years now and we have a toddler under 2 years old. We both work full time but my wife has to work on site on weekdays and some weekends. I handle the drop offs and she handles the pick ups on most days. On weekends that she has to go into work, I solo parent.

My mom is currently ill with metastatic cancer and I don't know how long she will live. She lives in a foreign country so I always feel guilty that I am not able to take care of her more often. I try to zoom with her for an average of 4x a week (30 min each) so that my mom can say hi to our son but it's not the same meeting in person. So I feel the need to go visit.

My wife and I discussed going as a family to visit but my wife can't take more than a week off. I asked my wife to return to the US alone after a week and I can stay with the kid for 1-2 more weeks and come back with the kid. She vetoed the idea b/c she didn't want to be apart from the baby. I completely understand her fear. So I suggested that she should stay in the US with the kid and I can go for 1-2 weeks by myself and she didn't like that either and asked for a temporary live in nanny to help with morning prep to send to daycare, pick up, and putting baby to sleep. There's absolutely no nanny that will do fragmented hours for 1-2 week only. She's essentially saying I can't go alone b/c taking care of kid is too burdensome for her alone but I can't take the kid with me alone either. I feel trapped with no good options. I envisioned married couples would cover for each other when urgent situations arose. I cover for her on the weekends that she works and also when her grandparent passed away.

Why can't she step up and cover for me while I visit my mom (or be apart from the kid for 1-2 weeks if she can't handle the burden of solo parenting?). Am I being unreasonable in asking for 'coverage' while I visit my ailing mom or taking the kid? Do you have any recommendation on a solution? All thoughts appreciated.

There absolutely ARE nannies that would do a 1-2 week gig.

Get your butt on Care.com and interview 3-5 of them, and then spend an hour training one up for the week you go. Show them where to drive, what vehicle they will drive. Introduce them to your baby. Type up the typical day or weekly schedule. Train the nanny.

BTDT. Try Nextdoor.com too in case someone is quite local to your house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

I wouldn’t.
Sounds like the toddler is in day care so Dad suddenly being a primary caregiver of an 18 mos old or whatever who is jetlagged, still on bottled milk and purées and in diapers is not easy.
My spouse could not and would not do it, maybe he’d underestimate it as easy but truth is it is not easy. He’s probably dump the upset kid on the first anutie or nurse he saw.
Even packing for such a baby’s trip or the actual airport/airplane/car seat debacle is not easy.

Is this an emerging market country? Do they have the same formula available? Require car seats? Can you drink the tap water when making formula? Will they respect the child’s diet or try out new spices and see what happens?

Maybe the mother can join with the baby for one of the weeks. Am still assuming this is a transatlantic or trans-north pole flight for the child and yourselves.

Dad says he already solo parents on the weekend regularly. Plus, no one ever says about a mom “oh, that baby is in daycare and now mom has to solo parent for a few days, she can’t handle it.” Dad sounds like a great caregiver. And even if he was just average, who cares??

Baby Sitting:
Feed baby what Mom instructed, and when.
Do fun stuff in the playroom or at the park.
Give a nap at the times Mom instructed.
Check diaper every few hours.
Dress baby in what Mom instructed given the weather and activity.
Keep toddler safe and out of danger. health and safety always first.

Caregiving:
Manage, buy, and prepare meals and snacks for toddler
Manage, buy, and procure appropriate clothes and shoes for toddler.
Manage and tweak proper sleep and eating schedule for toddler
Manage and procure age-appropriate activities and toys for toddler
Monitor health of child, have OTC meds ready, know which doctor to call for what.
Keep toddler safe and out of danger. health and safety always first.

Your wife is a wimp

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have happily let my husband take the baby for a week without me. Sounds like it's toddler age not a newborn. I would have loved a break from my kid at that age (or really any age)! Your wife sounds kind of anxious and honestly not very compassionate given that your mom is has a terminal illness.

+1. I don’t get these moms who have children with men they don’t trust to make care of the kids. Dad will figure it out. It might not be done exactly how you want it done, but the odds the kid dies or is deeply traumatized from a trip across the world are fairly slim.

Most people get it.
It's easily over 2/3s of the dads out there. They're a parent in label only, and show up for fun time or what they're explicitly told to do.
Not health issues, food cooking, appt making, packing for trips, minding the clothes fit, developing extra curriculars, finding relevant sitters or classes for child, teaching age appropriate skills, finding social development and kid friend playdates, maintaining proper stroller, car seats, everything sizes, checking child milestones/liasing with pediatrician, and so on.

My husband's family is in another country. I take the kids solo when he's had to go home to manage ailing parent stuff.

I agree with the pps who are encouraging you to go alone. You need this time with your mom. The child - esp a 2yo - will just add stress.

When my husband has had to leave we just get extra help. Babysitter to give me a few hours off here and there has been sufficient for me, but if your wife needs more help, that's ok too.

We have this saying in our family that sometimes the only thing to be done is to throw money at the problem. When your mom is dying in another country, that's one of those times.

Exactly.

Who cares if he's never traveled anywhere with a baby for a week by himself.