OP, I would absolutely seek out a referral for palliative care. It is prior to hospice, but in a similar in many reguards.

Sorry you are having to go through this..

At 86, I wouldn't agree to cancer treatment, even if I was with it. Cancer treatment is rough.

Is the mass hurting her or making her uncomfortable? Would the surgery make her more or less comfortable? Is it open surgery or laproscopic? What's the recovery time? Is she going to suffer a lot if she doesn't have the surgery?

I would not put a non-demented 86 year old through this.

I would not put her through surgery. I would also refuse the colonoscopy, noting to her doctor that they are not indicated for 86 year olds, see https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34794816/

I would not, OP. She gave you a real gift when she expressed her wishes so clearly. You are only being her loyal and loving daughter by following her direction. I really don't see how your mother could withstand cancer treatment at her level of frailty.

My father had anesthesia induced delirium after heart surgery when he was only 64 and very much of sound mind and good health other than a heart condition. He describes the delirium as the most harrowing and traumatic experience of his life-- way worse, he says, than the quadruple bypass that it happened with. It took him months of talking about it just to process it. Terrible, terrifying dreams of being restrained and tortured and just really weird dystopian stuff. It caused him to revise his medical instructions because he literally would rather die than do it again.

I would not put your mother through that OP.

Having been through a parent with dementia and hospital-induced delirium, I would never never never put a person with Alzheimers through any kind of serious medical procedure.

Also, please talk to the medical practice or the hospital ombudsman about connecting you with a palliative care specialist. We met with such a team when we were trying to figure out next steps and it was so helpful and comforting. They also helped us think through future contingencies - for example, a lot of people have a DNR, but they haven't necessarily outlined under what circumstances they would prefer to decline different types of treatment. It helped a lot as we walked the rest of this path. I'm sorry OP, good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about this doctor. Why in the world recommend a surgery and a colonoscopy. Terrible.

Same. I wouldn’t even consider surgery or a colonoscopy. My mom would not want me too.

There are no right answers or easy decisions and it absolutely sucks to be the sole person in the position of making it. I am in a similar situation with my mom who needs a heart valve replacement and we ultimately decided not to do it. It's an excruciating mental shift to move to a mindset of refusing medical procedures that would prolong life. In our case, it is our mother's wish, through her words in better times and living will, not to have interventions at this diminished cognitive stage as well. It also helped us to talk through the decision with her internist and get her feedback. My heart goes out to you.

Are you me? This is exactly what I am currently going through. It's a new diagnosis but her mental decline has been happening for several years. She, however, did not discuss much about her wishes when she was in a better place, even when pressed. So we are going off what the medical professionals are suggesting and the reality of the situation. But the guilt for feeling like we are making a the wrong decision is draining.

RN here so I will try to give you my professjonal advice. Anasthesia in elderly is risky, even in ones who are alert and oriented prior to surgery. Delirium and confusion is incredibly common, which can lead to falls and changes in vital signs. And at times, chemical and physical restraints. Next, if the mass is cancerous, what will you do? Put her through cancer treatment? What happens if they end up needing to do an ostomy? Professionally, moving forward with this doesn't seem like it would be in the best interest for her. Unfortunately I've seen people suffer because their family wasn't at a point where they were ready to let them go.

Personally, I'm so sorry you're in this position. It is a miserable and awful situation to be in and I don't think there is enough support and education for those who make medical decisions for their loved ones. I was in that place a few years ago with my dad. He was later stage Parkinsons (could still walk and eat but memory and movements drastically diminished) and ended up with an ischemic bowel. Doctors said they could do surgery but he would end up with an ostomy. If we didnt go that route he would have less than 24 hours. I knew he wouldn't want an ostomy and I was lucky to have the medical understanding to be confident in my decision.

And my medical but unprofessional opinion.... That doctor sucks.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about this doctor. Why in the world recommend a surgery and a colonoscopy. Terrible.

I agree. Time to find a new dr.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about this doctor. Why in the world recommend a surgery and a colonoscopy. Terrible.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$, as usual.

Only people with fabulous medical insurance have these issues. Regular elderly people are allowed to die in peace.

I wonder about this doctor. Why in the world recommend a surgery and a colonoscopy. Terrible.

Anonymous wrote:There is no way in hell I'd subject my mother to surgery at that age/stage.

This.