Anonymous
Post 04/27/2023 10:13     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.


Not everything is ADHD and this is not about your kids. If she managed well all this time, getting a diagnosis and medication isn't going to fix it.


Seriously. Everyone wants to chalk up adolescent recklessness, laziness and stubbornness up to ADHD.

Sometimes kids just need a reality check and a kick in the pants. How about that?


The parents are letting the kid have unlimited electronics and social life and not monitoring the schoolwork/classwork knowing the child isn't following through. This is normal teen behavior with some kids and the electronics and social life need be monitored. It's ok to say no to your child.


Yup! But a lot of parents would rather medicalize the problem and put their kids on scary psychiatric medications instead of just tightening the belt and making peace with the fact that part of being a parent means being ok with locking horns with your teen. Because that's what teenagers are wired to do at this stage.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2023 10:12     Subject: Re:Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.


What does “fine” even mean? You can’t assume people will be fine. People are struggling all over the country, pay is low, expenses are high, and the truth is go-getters do better. So if a parent has a kid who is a slacker, of course they’re going to be concerned. It’s natural to be worried in the economic environment. Is their future cemented if they’re a high school slacker? No of course not. We all know many slackers who ended up being quite successful! However, it’s also true that many slackers have stayed slackers, and many hustlers have gone on to do very very well for themselves.


I think seeing a kid who doesn't do their homework as a slacker is off. Sure, maybe they are a slacker. But they may also be working hard at things they value, and not working at things they think are (in the immortal words of Holden Caulfied) phony. School and all its nonsense is phony. Friends, relationships, sports, whatever - that is real to teens. At some point they will grow up, and start being motivated by needing to not eat cat food, but the adult-imposed world can make a kid pretty cynical. They check out. That kid has every change of being successful in time. Just back off a bit and stop trying to tell them what they should care about.

Regardless, you can't make a slacker into a go-getter. Your kid is who they are. You can tinker around the edges, use rewards and consequences to make sure they do their homework, but that won't turn a slacker into a go-getter. So why ruin a relationship trying?


most teens are very phony, and as a group, are the phoniest one of all. teen friendships and relationships are very phony. that was one of the points of the book. holden didn't abandon school so that he can pose for instagram selfies.


Most teens lack the judgement, discernment, wisdom and experience to make accurate or meaningful analyses of much of the world. So trusting a teen's perception of situations, people and things is a surefire way to find you and the teen in a ditch that you can't get out of.

Teens think and feel the way they do about systems, traditions and the world because they're immature and can't get over their own egos.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2023 08:20     Subject: Re:Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There are nearly 4000 colleges and universities in the US. She’ll be fine.


What does “fine” even mean? You can’t assume people will be fine. People are struggling all over the country, pay is low, expenses are high, and the truth is go-getters do better. So if a parent has a kid who is a slacker, of course they’re going to be concerned. It’s natural to be worried in the economic environment. Is their future cemented if they’re a high school slacker? No of course not. We all know many slackers who ended up being quite successful! However, it’s also true that many slackers have stayed slackers, and many hustlers have gone on to do very very well for themselves.


I think seeing a kid who doesn't do their homework as a slacker is off. Sure, maybe they are a slacker. But they may also be working hard at things they value, and not working at things they think are (in the immortal words of Holden Caulfied) phony. School and all its nonsense is phony. Friends, relationships, sports, whatever - that is real to teens. At some point they will grow up, and start being motivated by needing to not eat cat food, but the adult-imposed world can make a kid pretty cynical. They check out. That kid has every change of being successful in time. Just back off a bit and stop trying to tell them what they should care about.

Regardless, you can't make a slacker into a go-getter. Your kid is who they are. You can tinker around the edges, use rewards and consequences to make sure they do their homework, but that won't turn a slacker into a go-getter. So why ruin a relationship trying?


most teens are very phony, and as a group, are the phoniest one of all. teen friendships and relationships are very phony. that was one of the points of the book. holden didn't abandon school so that he can pose for instagram selfies.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 21:05     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.


Not everything is ADHD and this is not about your kids. If she managed well all this time, getting a diagnosis and medication isn't going to fix it.


Seriously. Everyone wants to chalk up adolescent recklessness, laziness and stubbornness up to ADHD.

Sometimes kids just need a reality check and a kick in the pants. How about that?


The parents are letting the kid have unlimited electronics and social life and not monitoring the schoolwork/classwork knowing the child isn't following through. This is normal teen behavior with some kids and the electronics and social life need be monitored. It's ok to say no to your child.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 21:04     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.


Not everything is ADHD and this is not about your kids. If she managed well all this time, getting a diagnosis and medication isn't going to fix it.


What a cruel response, PP. You should be ashamed of yourself. How would you like it if you shared some family struggles that you believe are pertinent to the matter at hand, only to get pushed away callously by someone with no understanding at all of the problem?

The person you are responding to is absolutely correct. OP's daughter may have ADHD. The signs are all there, and if there is a diagnosis, treating a hitherto untreated condition WILL MOST CERTAINLY HELP!

- mother of an ADHD/HFA child. ADHD, anxiety and autism are a lot more prevalent in the population than you think, and that's not going to change just because people like you don't want to believe it and feel irrationally targeted every time someone mentions such neurodivergence.


I have a child with SN. I find it absolutely obnoxious when other parents think they should diagnose another child based on their child's needs. And, often they are wrong. There is nothing saying this child has ADHD or anything like your child so throwing a diagnosis at her is absurd. The child is having normal teen behavior and parents need to parent her vs. blow it off. Kids don't stop needing parenting when they get to MS which is often what happens.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 21:01     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:My son is similar. And to address a PP, we’ve had him assessed recently for ADHD and they said he has some traits, but in general it’s simply an issue of motivation. If he wanted to invest more effort in school he could summon the focus, but since he cares about other things more…he doesn’t.

I bet my kids grades are lower than you are dealing with - his grades are a mix of Bs and Cs with As in art. He will probably end up at a non-flagship state school. I’ve had to wrestle with my own snobbery to become okay with that. He is okay with that! And it’s his life. When we told him that community college is on the table if he can’t get his grades up he shrugged and said “it’s still college, right?”

It does drive me bonkers, but he is a lovely human being, beloved by friends, teachers, and coaches. I hold on to that, knowing he’ll be okay in the long run. Relationships are more important than credentials for human happiness.



You can always pay for a private liberal arts college like I did in a similar situation. I am not sure it was the right choice and if felt a bit like saving face, but at least things didn’t further deteriorate as I was worried they would do at CC.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 19:47     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
OP, my DS16 is making these mistakes too-- I've done all the lecturing, set expectations, have tried to control the situation by monitoring electronics (which is kind of impossible and infantilizing after a certain age).

He has to learn and it may be a harsh lesson. I cannot want something more than he does.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 19:01     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Has Op ever come back to give more, very needed, specifics? Was that gpa of 2.1 post from Op?

I think we need context, or none of our posts are helpful.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 18:42     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
i am on the bench with the ADHD poster.

my kid was like this. ADHD caught up with her in 9th grade. up until then she was able to manage everything.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 18:05     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.


Not everything is ADHD and this is not about your kids. If she managed well all this time, getting a diagnosis and medication isn't going to fix it.


What a cruel response, PP. You should be ashamed of yourself. How would you like it if you shared some family struggles that you believe are pertinent to the matter at hand, only to get pushed away callously by someone with no understanding at all of the problem?

The person you are responding to is absolutely correct. OP's daughter may have ADHD. The signs are all there, and if there is a diagnosis, treating a hitherto untreated condition WILL MOST CERTAINLY HELP!

- mother of an ADHD/HFA child. ADHD, anxiety and autism are a lot more prevalent in the population than you think, and that's not going to change just because people like you don't want to believe it and feel irrationally targeted every time someone mentions such neurodivergence.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 17:55     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Time limits on her phone as a consequence. You are paying for the phone. This is parenting.

You could also pay for a college counselor and let them take over. This will be someone other than mom (who she perceives as nagging) tell her about how competitive college applications will be and getting her to figure out which colleges she might like.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 17:46     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to get over your dream schools, OP. She wasn't likely to get in anyway. It was always a long shot.

You don't want to hear this, and probably cannot process it at this stage, but it is far better for her to develop a strong social sense of self, have fun and friendships, and feel in control of her own life than is is to go to any particular college. A happy, confident, smart kid from a middling college will be more successful than a depressed, burned out, resentful kid with no social circle from Harvard.


Oh come on, this is a ridiculous assertion on any kind of generalized level.


I agree with the PP. The posts in this forum are getting increasingly chilling. Any teen that deviates a bit from perfection is recommended for medical intervention by the third or fourth reply.

And it's no more a ridiculous generalization than saying that a straight-A student whose grades a slipping "slightly" is "ruining" her college chances.


Well, I didn't say that. That's one.

Secondly, I was not putting down other kids and their achievements (going to Harvard) to make my kid feel better. Not only that, but a baseless put down at that.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 16:05     Subject: Re:Teen ruining her College chances
sounds like time to do some college tours. That really helps drive home the reality and if she falls in love with a school, she can set it as a goal to strive for. I think at this age, college seems far off and obtuse, but if you get her out seeing some campuses, she may get excited about one or two and become more self motivated.
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 16:05     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.


Not everything is ADHD and this is not about your kids. If she managed well all this time, getting a diagnosis and medication isn't going to fix it.


Seriously. Everyone wants to chalk up adolescent recklessness, laziness and stubbornness up to ADHD.

Sometimes kids just need a reality check and a kick in the pants. How about that?
Anonymous
Post 04/26/2023 14:34     Subject: Teen ruining her College chances
Anonymous wrote:My oldest (11th grade boy) has serious ADHD to the point that he had an IEP.

My middle child (9th grade girl) is now showing signs but she has been able to get by through middle school without anyone raising and concerns. Once we had her screened my heart broke to see what she has been struggling with.

Please ask you daughter if she would be OK with a screening so that you can support her.


Not everything is ADHD and this is not about your kids. If she managed well all this time, getting a diagnosis and medication isn't going to fix it.