Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

I have those thoughts in the dark of the night too. Mine are 24 and 26 and I know that I will never be free.

Not OP but do you mind sharing more? Are they SN? In my mind I am hoping to be free at about 18-20 year mark for my kid, so…

I’m not PP but I can understand what they mean. Even without SN and without actually physically caring for a kid anymore, there’s always the mental aspect of parenting that will be present as long as your kids live. There will never be a time where I’m truly free, of the mental load and emotional investment in parenting, even once my kids are grown.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

Yes, you will. It's a long slog from 4 to like 8 or 9, but then it gets a lot easier and time really speeds up. You will have lots of freedom while they are still at home, and then they will be gone.

But, in the meantime, get some therapy.

Spoken like a parent of typically developing kids, who has no idea how hard it can be. Just saying.

I feel you, OP. Can you find a therapist for yourself? That’s where I would start.

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when a nosey society dictates that at a certain point in life, you get married and have kids. Nope, not me for either and people would rather avoid a stigma attached to them than do what best suits them.

To be fair, it sounds like OP really did want kids…the special needs factor is the tough part

What kind of SN is your first? Medication can help a lot of SN situations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see now how naive I was about what parenthood is like, and my reasons for wanting kids were short-sighted, stupid, and selfish.

And now I’m paying for it. I will never be free.

No need to feel sorry for my kids. They have a good life, and I block out these feelings during the day. It’s only at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet and still enough for these feelings to creep up that I’m overcome with sorrow.

That is all.

I have those thoughts in the dark of the night too. Mine are 24 and 26 and I know that I will never be free.

Not OP but do you mind sharing more? Are they SN? In my mind I am hoping to be free at about 18-20 year mark for my kid, so…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how it took until after number two was born (when the first one would have already been seven) for you to come to this realisation? Was it the stress of going from one to two kids?

OP. It’s complicated. The severity of #1s special needs came to light when I was already a few months pregnant with #2. And raising #1 just gets harder with as they get older. The hardships forced me to come to terms with truths that were not in my awareness. Also think I’m just becoming more introspective with age (I’m 48).

Is your second one NT?
I am not saying you should, but I would concentrate on #2… whatever people say… and protect them as much as possible

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s an assumption that once married, there’s a societal pressure to have kids. My family for one have that expectations. All I can say is that I feel so good now that I’m an empty nester; it’s such a liberating feeling that I feel guilty thinking about it. My DD is a very challenging, stubborn, hard-headed, defiant kid, and was a high needs child growing up. I sometimes wonder if I should have ever been a mom myself. They say a happy mom is a good mom.

I am pretty sure I will feel the same (my kid is younger) even though he is an easy kid. I like living alone and there’s no shame in it.

You will be almost free but you have prolonged your own sentence by having your second. I know very well what you mean. I don’t regret it but I am waiting for my release. In 5 years I will be out on parole (when kid is 18) and if all goes well - a free man in 2-3 more years. Well maybe sending some money from time to time or so I hope.

I think there’s an assumption that once married, there’s a societal pressure to have kids. My family for one have that expectations. All I can say is that I feel so good now that I’m an empty nester; it’s such a liberating feeling that I feel guilty thinking about it. My DD is a very challenging, stubborn, hard-headed, defiant kid, and was a high needs child growing up. I sometimes wonder if I should have ever been a mom myself. They say a happy mom is a good mom.

Op does you husband share your feeling too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Special needs is really tough. Give yourself some grace. It doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have enjoyed parenting minus the special needs.

Did op say kids are sn?

yes

Anonymous wrote:Special needs is really tough. Give yourself some grace. It doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have enjoyed parenting minus the special needs.

Did op say kids are sn?

This is what happens when a nosey society dictates that at a certain point in life, you get married and have kids. Nope, not me for either and people would rather avoid a stigma attached to them than do what best suits them.

Anonymous wrote:If you’re wealthy send them to summer-long sleepaway camps, junior boarding school & then boarding school

Don't do this. I was sent to boarding school and spent summer vacations at an uncle's house. Mother died when I was four and father was career military so Christmas vacation and spring breaks were spent at school. No child deserves to be warehoused at a boarding school in winter and summer camp in summer.

Sorry, OP, I know others feel the same way in similar circumstances but it's not something said aloud.

In my experience as a middle and high school special education teacher, I think years 10-14 can be especially rough for a lot of kids with mild/moderate disabilities. The high school parents I worked with were almost always significantly more relaxed because the kids generally chill out some, usually even by 8th grade (7th grade is universally terrible even for typically developing kids). I know that's not always true and is still a few years away but I hope things get better soon.