Anonymous wrote:Based on what you've said, my own Dad and my son who has a weekends Dad. My thoughts:

1) Men of that generation and pretty much still, cannot survive without a woman (they believe). I've seen men disown their previous children to please their wife (many, many military men I know). In that context you were always second to her and still are.
2) Men are very uncomfortable with deep conversations. If your text implied that, he was trying to prepare himself.
3) His outburst towards you was wrong. My guess is his wife sucks and rained down on him what a burden you were. He was stressed and let it out.
4) Back then men weren't given equal custody. He probably had and believed the chip on his shoulder regarding custody and child support. That's not about you, that was about your Mom.


All that said, it's ok to admit your parent is a self-absorbed twat. That said, I have an intact family and my Dad is emotionally useless so it's not like I have a great Dad either but that's not related to divorce. That's just him.

+100000. This is a good post.

OP, it’s easy to read your post about your dad and immediately conclude he is an absolutely horrible person and wow. But when you give it some more thought, you can realize there is likely more going on. It still doesn’t excuse him but might help you feel a little less terrible about it. No young girl deserves to be treated like you were. I’m so sorry.

Anonymous wrote:He probably wanted more time but that’s all your mom would allow so he gave up and moved on as there was nothing he could do about it. So yes if your mom only allowed that schedule and then she wanted to go out of town she needed to make arrangements.

This is what your mom choose for you.

Her father didn't have to use hurtful words to her when she was a child, though. That was wrong. He should have not used words like "dumped" etc. Fathers/men always use this as an excuse. If they didn't get any time with the child, they would blame the mother for that, as well. "Alienation of affection" I think is the term when mothers keep their children from their fathers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

OP here. My mom remarried wealthy doctor (it's weird because he was actually our family doctor for myself and siblings). She ended up putting him and HIS kids first. Both of my parents ending up putting their spouses and spouses' kids first. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I call my dad because I momentarily forget that he has a whole other family he's way more invested in than me -- including his "grandchildren" that are the kids of his wife's kids (it feels weird to call them my step siblings as there is literally no relationship there). So in my mom's case, wherever the money is coming from comes first.

Were you a difficult child in any way? SN?
I have seen this happen with kids their parents thought didn’t turn out the way they expected. It’s cruel but unfortunately it happens

Nope. I'm adopted (at 2)... I was always quiet, made good grades, did not do drugs/drink/have sex or any of that. I was involved in extracurriculars... my grades in high school math/science could have been better. I talked back to my mom and didn't like to go to my dad's on the weekends because of his wife. That's the extent of my difficult-ness as a child.

Thank you for responding… I am sorry your parents are jerks… did they have any biological kids with their new partners?

Anonymous wrote:

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Just quit already with this bs. You post this made up scenario in every thread about divorced parenting and it’s so tiresome. In the real world, there are many
divorced dads that do (at best) the bare minimum in terms of parenting by their own choice. Stop blaming single moms for their crappy ex’s decisions.

Stop making moms who are not great parents to be saints. If one parent restricts contact to the other, what do you think happens. This is why men are not involved. Moms like you.

Based on what you've said, my own Dad and my son who has a weekends Dad. My thoughts:

1) Men of that generation and pretty much still, cannot survive without a woman (they believe). I've seen men disown their previous children to please their wife (many, many military men I know). In that context you were always second to her and still are.
2) Men are very uncomfortable with deep conversations. If your text implied that, he was trying to prepare himself.
3) His outburst towards you was wrong. My guess is his wife sucks and rained down on him what a burden you were. He was stressed and let it out.
4) Back then men weren't given equal custody. He probably had and believed the chip on his shoulder regarding custody and child support. That's not about you, that was about your Mom.


All that said, it's ok to admit your parent is a self-absorbed twat. That said, I have an intact family and my Dad is emotionally useless so it's not like I have a great Dad either but that's not related to divorce. That's just him.

What's he supposed to do? Never have a relationship again? Only Mom is allowed to have relationships and get remarried.

This is what mom choose. She only allowed every other weekend and occasional dinners. She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Just quit already with this bs. You post this made up scenario in every thread about divorced parenting and it’s so tiresome. In the real world, there are many
divorced dads that do (at best) the bare minimum in terms of parenting by their own choice. Stop blaming single moms for their crappy ex’s decisions.

OP, you didn't mention anything positive about your relationship with your dad. Divorce can be hard and none of us knows what happened, but seems like he remarried somone uncaring (normal caring women would welcome their stepson) and your dad sounds mentally unwell (normal caring men are actively involved with their son, even if sched is limited). So it has dysfunction written all over it. If you don't get anything out of relationship with dad, feel free to let it go. Sorry you didn't have a decent dad, that is tough.

I didn't have a decent mom, and the relationship between my parents was poor, but I have salvaged that while my father wasn't really present when I was young, he's made up for it since I have been grown (he suffered while married to my toxic mom, but improved incredibly once she divorced him). Find your silver lining - could be grandparents , aunts, true friends who care for you for real.

Anonymous wrote:My heart breaks for all of you. You deserved so much better — and still do. It’s unconscionable to complain to your own child about having them “dumped” on you, like it’s some kind of punishment.

It’s killing me to read these posts. My STBX was a really loving, involved, hands on dad once upon a time. Then he just kind of checked out. He moved out two years ago and I offered him extra beds to take from our guest room so the kids could sleep over at his place, but he didn’t take them. They’ve never spent a single night with him. I still thought he’d want to have custody of some sort, so when we started negotiating a divorce settlement, I told him I had no desire to limit his access to the kids, but he said he wanted to keep things as they are: I have physical custody 100% of the time and he eats dinner with the kids one night per week. I can’t even believe this is really happening. Our kids are awesome and there’s something wrong with him if he’s okay with no custody. I don’t know if I’ll ever remarry, but if I do, it will only be to someone who makes my kids feel welcome in our home and in our lives, and only if I can do the same for his kids.

Once men lose interest in the woman (or vice versa) they lose interest in the child so much of the time. It’s bizarre but it happens especially with men who are products of divorce or who eventually divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

OP here. My mom remarried wealthy doctor (it's weird because he was actually our family doctor for myself and siblings). She ended up putting him and HIS kids first. Both of my parents ending up putting their spouses and spouses' kids first. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I call my dad because I momentarily forget that he has a whole other family he's way more invested in than me -- including his "grandchildren" that are the kids of his wife's kids (it feels weird to call them my step siblings as there is literally no relationship there). So in my mom's case, wherever the money is coming from comes first.

Right well that also happens. Women do usually prioritize whoever is supporting them. Most men want to come first so that puts remarried mothers in a bind. It’s extremely rare to meet a man for whom a woman putting kids first is not a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Implausible that that was the cause of his disengagement, but if true, what a weak character he must have had.

What is he to do?

It’s amazing how much men lean on this excuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She kept him out of her life so he moved on.

Implausible that that was the cause of his disengagement, but if true, what a weak character he must have had.

What is he to do?

Be engaged to the extent possible.

And once child turns 18 mom has no control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women put kids first. Men put sex first. Whoever the sex is coming from therefore comes before kids.

Not all men are this way but most divorced men are this way.

OP here. My mom remarried wealthy doctor (it's weird because he was actually our family doctor for myself and siblings). She ended up putting him and HIS kids first. Both of my parents ending up putting their spouses and spouses' kids first. Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I call my dad because I momentarily forget that he has a whole other family he's way more invested in than me -- including his "grandchildren" that are the kids of his wife's kids (it feels weird to call them my step siblings as there is literally no relationship there). So in my mom's case, wherever the money is coming from comes first.

Were you a difficult child in any way? SN?
I have seen this happen with kids their parents thought didn’t turn out the way they expected. It’s cruel but unfortunately it happens

Nope. I'm adopted (at 2)... I was always quiet, made good grades, did not do drugs/drink/have sex or any of that. I was involved in extracurriculars... my grades in high school math/science could have been better. I talked back to my mom and didn't like to go to my dad's on the weekends because of his wife. That's the extent of my difficult-ness as a child.

I'm the opposite - I lived full time with my mom but my relationship with her now is very limited.

My parents didn't divorce until I was almost 12 so I really understood how vindictive my mom was throughout the process. She comes from money and her parents hired an excellent divorce attorney for her. She and my dad were both teachers and had limited incomes, so his lawyer wasn't that great. My mom's attorney drew out the process to essentially bankrupt my dad. It got to the point where he could no longer afford to fight her. He had to settle with every other weekend.

My mom constantly said snarky things about my dad and bad mouthed him in front of me. She got mad at me if I tried to defend him. He was living in a crappy apartment in a so-so neighborhood and she used to make me strip in the garage when we got home so I wouldn't bring "filthy roaches from your dad's crack den" back to her house. My dad didn't have a any roaches that I saw or a drug problem. She was just stereotyping based on the neighborhood.

One time I forgot my textbook at his house on a Sunday evening and she had to drive me back to get it. The whole way back to his place she kept saying things like "let's see how much you love living in the ghetto when I get killed going back at night and you have to live with him!" and "you have about 3 minutes to get in there and get that book and get back in this car before one of us gets raped."

I'm really close with my dad. We see each other weekly and text almost daily. My mom and I see each other on Christmas and birthdays.

Anonymous wrote:Every other weekend kid here (starting at age 4). Also had a step mom come along who really didn’t like children at all. I hated those weekend visits. Unfortunately, my mother is unstable, so home wasn’t much better. I haven’t heard from my dad in 20+ years. I’m in my 40s now. I have a hard time when my kids ask questions about my childhood. I feel like I’ve tried to forget so much, and when those memories come flooding back, it’s just hard. I’m grateful for the life I have with my husband and kids, and I’m so glad they’re in a much more stable environment. My dad is still alive. He won’t speak to me because I didn’t ask him to walk me down the aisle when I got married…but he’d been absent for so many years, with maybe a phone call once or twice a year before my engagement..I never would have thought he’d be interested.

I’m sorry this is a jumble. Reading these posts brought up a lot of feelings. I hope everyone posting has found a way to heal.❤️

Your father is presumptuous and entitled.