Anonymous wrote:Why can't you defend yourself? I would have attacked right back if my MIL had attacked me.

Why do you need rescuing?

You sound like an immature and dumb person. And you have 4 kids? WHY?

I did defend myself to my MIL and it caused major issues that would been mitigated if it came from him instead but he hid.

Bless your heart.

Every partner will have some undesirable traits. It sounds like these situations are maybe 10% of your life. If he’s a good partner/dad the other 90% it’s a bad calculation to make.

Why can't you defend yourself? I would have attacked right back if my MIL had attacked me.

Why do you need rescuing?

You sound like an immature and dumb person. And you have 4 kids? WHY?

Just cut off your mil.

Personally I don't think this is divorce worthy. I think he's right on a certain level - that's just who he is. You can only control yourself, you can't control how someone else is in conflict, or anything. I'm speaking from experience - whenever there's conflict outside of our marriage like you're describing, my husband automatically shifts to "good cop" and leaves me to do "bad cop." Sometimes it's in the moment, often it's planned. Ex: we're heading into the principal's office for what we know is going to be a contentious meeting. He says "I'll just let you do the talking, you see to have this covered." So I do. I play that role, he gets to be good cop, and I don't care because the result is what's important. So what's the result you're looking for? Don't worry so much about how you get there but the result. If you wanted to defend your position, defend it to the MIL, to the guy who came at you. Let it rip. You don't need him to do it for you. What you DO need, however, is that he'll back you up if you go into those roles. My husband backs me up because he knows that, even if he doesn't agree 100% with what I say or how I say it in those situations he put us both in that position and has to live with what happens.

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and I absolutely would not divorce over what you have described (happy family life, good sex life, and four kids!?). I understand you’re disappointed but divorce is NOT the way to go over this. You take the good with the bad OP. It sounds too like he acknowledges the mistake and is actively working on being more assertive - that is a partner who cares.

Thanks for your advice 😊

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You are crazy and sound very entitled. Also, are you independently wealthy? The life of a divorced mom and four kids with split households and the salary of a family physician will it go very far in this area. At all.

Set your own boundaries with your MIL if your husband will not.

Stunned by the stupidity of your question.

I have money from my wealthy father to fall back on and a graduate degree. I would have to downgrade lifestyle a bit but wouldn’t be in poverty.

The other person who attacked me was a male close couple friend. Not his mom.

So it sounds like you got into mutual combat with a couple friend on date night and expected your husband to…jump in and do what, exactly? Challenge the guy to a duel for your honor?

When you and DH had the conversation after the fact and he was upset at your behavior—did you in some way start the fight with couple friend? Is this a pattern of yours? I’d be upset too if you started fights and then played the shrinking violet and expected me to step in and fight with you, tbh.

I didn’t pick the fight with our friend at all. It was 100% surprising and out of the blue. I don’t typically have conflict like this with people, especially close friends.

I am divorced and I absolutely would not divorce over what you have described (happy family life, good sex life, and four kids!?). I understand you’re disappointed but divorce is NOT the way to go over this. You take the good with the bad OP. It sounds too like he acknowledges the mistake and is actively working on being more assertive - that is a partner who cares.

Anonymous wrote:OP, given the limited details of what you have described, I can't really tell if what you are describing warrants divorce. I personally, do not think it is my husband's job to defend me from personal attack. I own my own sh*t. I'm trying to envision exactly what you are describing - attack by MIL, and then a "similar" attack by someone else? What exactly is going on and why do you need your husband to defend you?

I hear what you mean and I feel similarly, tbh. I’ve fought plenty of my own battles throughout the years. But the older I get and the more life has knocked us down in different ways, I’m feeling a bone deep exhaustion from being the one to defend myself and us against things. I’m not a super aggressive person but I feel that I’ve had to do more than my fair share as my dh is so passive.

For instance, our 2nd grade daughter was sharing some very real instances of being bullied in class. My husbands response was to shrug it off and ignore it. I had to be the one contacting the school and sharing concerns. All this kind of stuff always falls on me as he is so conflict adverse.

Anonymous wrote:I would never divorce over that with 4 kids in the mix. Never. I laws can be crazy and people do not always react appropriately. Lots of people revert to their childhood personalities around their families. I think you are being really dramatic. You have a shitty MIL. Lots of people do.

Thanks for this.

Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

What are you being attacked over? Is it a personal attack on you or attack of you guys as a couple? Sorry but I can’t answer this until you give more details

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You are crazy and sound very entitled. Also, are you independently wealthy? The life of a divorced mom and four kids with split households and the salary of a family physician will it go very far in this area. At all.

Set your own boundaries with your MIL if your husband will not.

Stunned by the stupidity of your question.

I have money from my wealthy father to fall back on and a graduate degree. I would have to downgrade lifestyle a bit but wouldn’t be in poverty.

The other person who attacked me was a male close couple friend. Not his mom.

So it sounds like you got into mutual combat with a couple friend on date night and expected your husband to…jump in and do what, exactly? Challenge the guy to a duel for your honor?

When you and DH had the conversation after the fact and he was upset at your behavior—did you in some way start the fight with couple friend? Is this a pattern of yours? I’d be upset too if you started fights and then played the shrinking violet and expected me to step in and fight with you, tbh.

Anonymous wrote:Op- the MIL issue was around a conflict she had with both of us, mad about us making different plans for a holiday (setting a boundary which she didn’t like). She came at me about it and called me thoughtless and selfish for not going along with her holiday plans. She’s pretty judgemental and strong willed so this was not a surprise, but I was hurt that my husband let me take the fall for it and just hid like a turtle.

So you’re going to divorce over this? Why didn’t you stand up for yourself? Was this “boundary” your plan primarily?