Anonymous wrote:Our 15 year old boyis a 9th grader at a public school and simply does not care about his grades. He cares about sports and friends, but considers school work just an inconvenience. He has decent grades (a few As, lots of Bs, and a C+) but could have consistent A's if he put in a decent amount of serious effort. When my DH and I try to talk to him he just blows us off and refuses to discuss. His friends are nice kids, but do not take school work seriously and are a bad influence in this respect. We arranged a tutor for the subject where he is getting a C+ but he refused to go. We have tried giving consequences (loss of cell phone, grounding) but then he retaliates by putting in even less effort. We have considered pulling him out of sports, but that is the biggest positive in his life, and if we take that away, we worry that he would turn to kids who are a bad influence in terms of drugs/alcohol, which (so far) he has stayed away from. We feel like hostages because we care about his grades but he does not. What to do???

So I think you have a great insight that you feel like a hostage because you care about his grades more than he does. It's such a tough place to be. You're at the point where you're moving into the 'advising' role as a parent; we can't make teens do something. As weird as this may sound, I'd suggest focusing on just connecting with your kid - don't bring up the things you want him to do; take an interest in something that interests him - go see a movie, ask him about his music or his sport, etc. It's a long game for sure. With any luck, you'll end up with a better relationship with your kid, and he'll be able to show a trajectory where his grades improve as he progresses through high school. You're the only one who can judge how alienated your kid feels right now, but I would be cautious of pushing so much that there are more serious consequences than just bad grades to deal with.

Here's a website that stresses connection as foremost and gives some ideas of how to get there - https://www.ahaparenting.com/guide/teenagers

Good luck - it's so hard to have good advice to offer but then not have a teen who's willing to hear it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most boys brains at this age are working overtime growing and figuring out who they are and their place in the world. It is almost biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school the way it is needed for them to meet the expectations put in them. They cannot think long term. I have had to do lots of handholding in the 9th and 10th grade years. They figure it out by 11th.

Mom of 3 boys.

Oh please. Biologically impossible to focus on school?

Also Mom of 3 boys

Since boys mature later than girls, and since they have a higher rate of ADHD, and since PP said "biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school" I'm going with the research backs up PP's statement.

Ridiculous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most freshmen are 13/14, not 15. Was your son held back? Does he hate school maybe because he's the oldest kid in his class?

The typical freshman turns 15 during the school year (or summer after for the youngest).

+1
Op here. Our son was 14 when 9th grade started and recently turned 15. he is in the middle of the age range for his peers. A 13 year old in 9th grade would be very unusual, especially in April.

Please don't hate me, but many parents of kids like mine would love your son's academic and sports record.
And--middle school grades don't count, unless he's in danger of flunking out, which he's not. I was a serious student, doing the extra credit work, etc. so it took me a while to adjust to my non-academic kids, but once I did, we were all happier. Middle school is something to be survived. A friend of mine's son barely scraped by in middle school and the first two years of high school. Then he shaped up and ended up doing well, and getting into a fine state college.

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar son, so I feel you!

However, I’d like to point out that your kid is actually doing well in school. As and Bs and a C + is a good student! Take a deep breath and order yourself the book “Best Colleges for B students.” It is a very thick book. So he goes to one of the hundreds of colleges in that book. Most kids do!

We have backed off our son’s grades because when we push he pushes back harder. He really needs to own this part of his life, and as painful as we find the sea of Cs, those are HIS Cs, and he will have to live with them. And the consequence of them is not going to a selective college, where he wouldn’t have thrived in any case. I’m done trying to make my kid something he is not, and we are all happier for it.

BINGO! Accepting that even though YOU want your kid to be the best, your kid might not and while I believe it's a parent's job to nudge and push their kids, that's only to a certain degree. You're not going to push your kid to Harvard-level standards if they don't buy into that at some level. If you're pushing and pushing and it's not going anywhere, it's time to shift to acceptance after a while.

I have a similar son, so I feel you!

However, I’d like to point out that your kid is actually doing well in school. As and Bs and a C + is a good student! Take a deep breath and order yourself the book “Best Colleges for B students.” It is a very thick book. So he goes to one of the hundreds of colleges in that book. Most kids do!

We have backed off our son’s grades because when we push he pushes back harder. He really needs to own this part of his life, and as painful as we find the sea of Cs, those are HIS Cs, and he will have to live with them. And the consequence of them is not going to a selective college, where he wouldn’t have thrived in any case. I’m done trying to make my kid something he is not, and we are all happier for it.