Anonymous
Post 04/15/2023 19:42     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Anonymous wrote:Here’s my revelation. I am honestly somewhat angry with dad as he is so eager to live so long. He just thinks about himself but gives no thought to how it affects me. At the same time I feel guilty as he isn’t really a HUGE burden to me or anything. He also had many difficult years caring for my mother who was a very very unpleasant and difficult person. I am grateful he took that that burden off me but also angry that he didn’t protect me from her enough.
I don’t really think I need therapy but I just wanted to say it out loud.

Are you sure you don’t need therapy? I mean, yes, these years can be hard, but you seem angry. Not at the caretaking you are doing, but just because the man wants to live? I say this as someone who nursed my mom through years of cancer, the last years living with me, and it was hard and I got frustrated and felt worn down but I don’t recall feeling angry that she wanted to live. Everyone is different, but I wonder if therapy would help you get to a more peaceful place.
Anonymous
Post 04/15/2023 19:17     Subject: Re:My dad is planning to live another 20 years
I’m an only child with 4 parents/stepparents ranging in age from late 60s-late 70s. I’m terrified they’re all going to decline one after the other and I’ll be stuck worrying after them for the next 3 decades.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2023 02:13     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Here’s my revelation. I am honestly somewhat angry with dad as he is so eager to live so long. He just thinks about himself but gives no thought to how it affects me. At the same time I feel guilty as he isn’t really a HUGE burden to me or anything. He also had many difficult years caring for my mother who was a very very unpleasant and difficult person. I am grateful he took that that burden off me but also angry that he didn’t protect me from her enough.
I don’t really think I need therapy but I just wanted to say it out loud.
Anonymous
Post 04/13/2023 00:47     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
I am 60 and my father and my MIL are both 94. Elder care is endless but I am fortunate as I don't have to actually do it. But still there is a mental burden.
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2023 09:11     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
We are 70. I have told our adult children that once we turn 80, our opinions of "what's best" should be suspect. I just hope DH and I can keep that resolve - give up the car keys, move somewhere sensible.
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2023 09:07     Subject: Re:My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Anonymous wrote:But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it.


So much wisdom and good advice here, thank you!
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2023 08:57     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
I mean this is totally variable- my 80 yo MIL appears in better health both cognitively and physically than my parents who are more than 10 years younger than her.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 21:50     Subject: Re:My dad is planning to live another 20 years
What is being free? Is he entrapping you in any way? Are you worried about caring for him while he's sick?

What is your plan when you are old and need help.

This is life. For everyone.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 18:45     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
OP again, I just wanted to add that it scares me that I will almost inevitably be a burden on my kid eventually, no matter how healthy and sane and independent I am. He is an only, so it will be harder for him unless he just checks out. I don’t know how to feel about it but dealing with my dad has me thinking a lot about these things…
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 18:41     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
OP here, I just want to thank everyone for your kind responses - I expected to get a lot of flack!

I am luckier than most.
My dad surprisingly had his financial affairs in order (though he has very little), doesn’t mind us looking over his finances etc (I have a brother but I am more involved)

Dad lives alone and far away, but we are arranging for him to come live closer to us (though also independently). He doesn’t want to be in assisted living even if he could afford it, for many reasons, though I think he would benefit from it. We hope to get him some in home support eventually.

It’s mostly the mental load that weighs on me, plus the costs of his move (though dad and my brother will cover a large part), plus all the organizing of his move and settling in. Another problem is that he requires some managing of his bigger projects like home repairs, initiating medical care (as in getting an appointment with a new doctor and then following up), etc. He also needs to be practically forced to bathe, wash clothes, things like that. He does not want any “stranger” doing it for him.
I end up having to spend 2-6 weeks twice a year at his place, basically taking care of his projects. I am lucky I can take so much time off work but this is a big project of my own and I can’t fathom for it to go on for another 10+ years. Hopefully the move will make it easier but will bring on new challenges.

I just wanted to share how I feel! Thanks for listening. I will be doing what needs to be done but just needed to vent a little
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 17:29     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.


Don't put your life on hold for them. Travel and do the other things you want to do.


+1, what about this situation is keeping you from traveling and enjoying your life?


Honestly, my husband wants to retire in two years and we'd like to spend our early retirement abroad in the country that he grew up in. Our kids are launched and reasonably successul on their own so I feel OK about leaving, except for the old folks. I have siblings, but wonder if this is something we can pull off or where we will be in two years.
I've taken to buying the travel insurance in case I have to cancel or suddenly come home for a funeral.

I'm a bit resentful because they had a blast in their early retirement, but their parents died when my parents were in their forties.

I also don't have a great relationship with my parents -- Father is likely on the spectrum and my mother is just really sexist and highly favors my brother, including with large financial gifts that allow him to live beyond his means. I am seeing a good therapist and it helps.


And I bet your brother does very little to care for your aging parents.

I'm in the same boat. The one boy in our very conservative family who was treated differently does the least for our parents. Now my parents realize that the way they parented us was not right, and that it's the daughters who take care of the parents, not the son.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 17:27     Subject: Re:My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Anonymous wrote:I'm 57. I'm the youngest of 4 and my parents had me in their 40s. My kids were born when they were in their 70s. Point is I had young kids and older parents from the get go. They both lived into their mid 90s - my mom died in 2020. Me and my siblings had about 13 years of serious oversight and caregiving - the last 6 years was pretty constant even through they had in-home help and my mom eventually went into an independent living apartment. Nobody really talks about this but it is hard and scary to support your parents as they decline - and the decline is often YEARS of your life. Overall they were relatively healthy - but all the calls for falls, broken bones, ER trips for blood transfusions and mini strokes - calls about being lonely - oof. All I can say is unless a parent dies suddenly of a heart attack, death is a long drawn out process and even when they have "help" it is a lot to manage that part too. I am thankful that my siblings helped but it was hard and depressing unless you are that sibling that doesn't give a crap and shows up on holidays. I'm saying this just so you can prepare yourself - living into your 90s is pretty common these days.

yes, we are seeing this now with my parents and my ILs. It's years of this kind of caregiving.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 17:25     Subject: Re:My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Anonymous wrote:This seems like an odd thing to worry about. Few men live to be 97. Don’t borrow trouble.

dp.. indeed, but some do live that long, and OP is concerned about having to take care of them, and rightly so.

My dad is 90. He's still very spry, mentally all there, but can't see as well anymore. Thankfully, my sibling doesn't mind taking care of them, as I live on the other side of the country with kids, but we do provide financial assistance.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 17:21     Subject: Re:My dad is planning to live another 20 years
I'm 57. I'm the youngest of 4 and my parents had me in their 40s. My kids were born when they were in their 70s. Point is I had young kids and older parents from the get go. They both lived into their mid 90s - my mom died in 2020. Me and my siblings had about 13 years of serious oversight and caregiving - the last 6 years was pretty constant even through they had in-home help and my mom eventually went into an independent living apartment. Nobody really talks about this but it is hard and scary to support your parents as they decline - and the decline is often YEARS of your life. Overall they were relatively healthy - but all the calls for falls, broken bones, ER trips for blood transfusions and mini strokes - calls about being lonely - oof. All I can say is unless a parent dies suddenly of a heart attack, death is a long drawn out process and even when they have "help" it is a lot to manage that part too. I am thankful that my siblings helped but it was hard and depressing unless you are that sibling that doesn't give a crap and shows up on holidays. I'm saying this just so you can prepare yourself - living into your 90s is pretty common these days.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2023 13:39     Subject: My dad is planning to live another 20 years
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.


Don't put your life on hold for them. Travel and do the other things you want to do.


+1, what about this situation is keeping you from traveling and enjoying your life?


Honestly, my husband wants to retire in two years and we'd like to spend our early retirement abroad in the country that he grew up in. Our kids are launched and reasonably successul on their own so I feel OK about leaving, except for the old folks. I have siblings, but wonder if this is something we can pull off or where we will be in two years.
I've taken to buying the travel insurance in case I have to cancel or suddenly come home for a funeral.

I'm a bit resentful because they had a blast in their early retirement, but their parents died when my parents were in their forties.

I also don't have a great relationship with my parents -- Father is likely on the spectrum and my mother is just really sexist and highly favors my brother, including with large financial gifts that allow him to live beyond his means. I am seeing a good therapist and it helps.