Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:55     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Anonymous wrote:I'm a 40 year old married mom of two early elmentary school age kids. I want to make mom friends. I've tried everything, and nothing works. I've met a lot of moms, but none of them wants to be my friend. How it usually goes is I'll meet a mom at a PTA volunteer event, or at a family-friendly event, or at a meetup group, chat for a bit, invite them out for coffee, and we meet for coffee. The meetup usually goes well and then....crickets. I never hear from them again and when I reach out a few weeks later to follow up and see how they're doing, I usually don't hear back or they'll be polite but distant, making it clear they're not interested in a friendship.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong to be so unlikeable. I'm married (15 years), work full-time, have a really interesting career, am a good conversationalist, and try to get to know them/express interest. Most of the time they don't seem that interested in getting to know me. Like I'll ask, what are you guys doing this summer and they don't ask what we're doing, just blather on and on about their summer plans.

I work out at a small gym and that has not let to any friendships either. I am also in a hobby group and also have not made friends that way.

The moms of my kids' friends have made it clear they are not interested in a friendship--they will bring their kids over for playdates when I set them up, but have never invited us and don't stay to chat, they just drop off and leave, or send their husbands to drop off.

Where can I meet mom friends or just friends for me? My kids are in first and third grade.

I am chronically lonely and feel like no one likes me or wants to be my friend, and it really sucks.


It’s absolutely not personal. I think most just feel tired at the end of the day or week and they don’t feel a need to add to their schedule. If they have one or two friends they’re really close to, it may feel enough.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:47     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Anonymous wrote:JOIN THE CLOSEST POOL. GO EVERY DAY AFTER WORK AND EVERY WEEKEND. It's the only way.


great idea. pool, girl or boy scouts. chip in.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:46     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
realistically OP, lots of school moms don't have any true friendships with other moms. It's all surface for convenience, perception, etc. If you end up with 1 mom friend beyond acquaintanceship, you are lucky. But if you want to fast track your chances, be the convenient or helpful mom. Volunteer for stuff at school, offer playdates, including drop off ones. The moms who always expect a play date to be a 2-4 hour mom date can get to be a real drag. Smile. It will happen.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:42     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Pool mom here, seriously, it's how I finally got to know some of the moms better. See also: Girl Scouts, PTA Committees, Youth Sports
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:41     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
JOIN THE CLOSEST POOL. GO EVERY DAY AFTER WORK AND EVERY WEEKEND. It's the only way.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:14     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
I focused on just making friendships, not necessarily with moms or moms with young kids, through group activities (hiking, book clubs). I have younger kids but most of my newer friends have kids in middle or high school. It actually works out better this way because we're not all exhausted by the same stage of life. My more casual mom friends with same-age kids are the ones in the neighborhood since our kids all play together.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 21:09     Subject: Re:I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Stop trying to make mom friends. Focus on people with kids that are older than you, don’t have kids yet, are retired, etc. People outside your own demographic have more time.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 20:57     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Wow, I could have written this post. Want to be friends?

We're new to the area and I find that a lot of people just don't have time for new friendships. Working moms especially. So if you're not doing activities that involve you sitting and talking to other moms while kid plays a sport or something, you're kind of out of luck.



Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 20:49     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Don’t invite for individual copies. Do a group text and invite them over for game night/Bunco/something with an activity that is fun.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 20:42     Subject: Re:I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Maybe your job is only interesting to you and you're not as good a conversationalist as you think you are? I recall one person telling me how passionate she was about the environment and that she loves helping people do their part. She then grilled me for 20 minutes trying to find out about my family's lifestyle and household to tell us how we could lower emissions or whatever. I never asked for her help! I found her pushy and annoying.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 20:35     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to invest time before the coffee / drinks date. Join a committee, plan an event with a team, join a running or walking group that meets 1-3x a week. Then give it time. You are coming on too strong / desperate. The women I call friends are all people where I invested 12-20+ hours of face time on a shared project before moving on to personal socialization.

When I lived in Chicago, group guitar lessons at Old Town School of Music were a very popular adult hobby. It seemed like everyone was friends and I felt left out . . . Until half way through my 2nd session. After investing 10+ hours, people started asking me to drinks after class, which class I was signing up for next session, etc. After 3 sessions I started getting invited to birthday parties and weekend events.


this.

I'm an extroverted friendly person, and I have turned lots of people i've met on the school playground into friend. It started as many many many MANY hours of conversation on the playground, joking around and also finding common intellectual ground before becoming friends.

The ones who turned into friends --

with one, next step was exchanging numbers and texting funny/interesting things to each other. then suggesting books to each other and talking about books, then starting a book club.

With some others it was that our kids became good friends, which naturally led to playdates and that turned into friendship.

Others I clicked with we would find something weekly to do with kids -- like go to a weekly library storytime (when they were toddlers). this led naturally to a deeper friendship, and now that our kids are older we usually hang out, with kids, once a month.

Another mom I would talk to for literally 2 hours every day on the playground -- we had so much to talk about. When she moved away, we started sharing Wordle scores every morning -- 2/3 times a week this turns into a larger text conversation.

All that turns into coffees, having parties and inviting each other, etc. I agree that inviting someone out for coffee is actually kind of forward. You need to have rapport and a mutual sense of a friendship BEFORE coffee, otherwise it is awkward. I like the idea about about 20 hours of good casual conversation before moving onto the next stage (if the feeling is there.)


It sounds like everything revolves around the kids. That’s fine and I suppose makes sense since OP is wanting mom friends. But gosh I cringe at having to spend all of that time at a playground or arranging play dates. I wish it were easier to make friends who would be friends regardless of if we have kids or not.


19:14 here--yes this is sooooo boring to me....so i really question putting in the effort for so little benefit...


Do you have kids? You are spending time with your kids and taking them to activities and occupying them anyway. Why is it "soooo boring" to be doing that along with another mom and her kids?
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 20:08     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
Where in DC are you?
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 20:05     Subject: Re:I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
I am very outgoing at playgrounds. I did this when my kids were pre-school age, which was easier though.
I bring/brought activities other kids can join in with -- water containers for splash pads, chalk, easily shareable snacks if there aren't too many other kids and the other parent agrees. If the kids play with yours, you can strike up conversations.

Most of the friendships, if they are ok exchanging numbers, don't stick. However, one of them has stuck. What helped was we were in similar situations (SAHMs, 2 kids similar ages, and similar parenting attitudes on the playground, plus a few other random similarities).

Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 19:42     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
I agree that you have to spend more time with people in kid-adjacent situations and then you build a rapport with someone and THEN you invite them for coffee.

You could also start something in your neighborhood--a book club, a kids chalk your driveway once a week event; whatever. Put yourself out there and see who comes. I am friends with a lot of people, but I only really truly click with a handful.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2023 19:37     Subject: I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend
It's hard to start (and maintain) friendships if you don't see or interact with someone daily.

Having said that, is there anybody at the bustop? Your co-workers? Someone you see constantly and frequently?