Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have childcare?

Kids are school-age

They still need childcare. Kids get sick, they have school holidays and half days, they need aftercare, she still can’t get a normal job without those things.

There are two parents- they can work out camps and aftercare just like everyone else does.

Where is dad in this scenario! Often as not, he bails on responsibility and leaves mom holding the bag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have childcare?

Kids are school-age

They still need childcare. Kids get sick, they have school holidays and half days, they need aftercare, she still can’t get a normal job without those things.

There are two parents- they can work out camps and aftercare just like everyone else does.

It’s very very hard to raise kids alone even when you have an income. I don’t think letting her flounder is the answer. It sounds like she lacks the tools to get herself settled and needs someone to sit down with her and help her plan out something sustainable. That doesn’t need to involve enabling. But someone needs to help her plan. Plenty of women here would only be able to focus on the day to day of preparing the next meal and doing laundry in this situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

For sure! But it is so hard when kids are involved. If she didn’t have kids, it would be much easier to tough love the situation. But her kids are my niece and nephew and totally innocent in all of this.

Buy them clothes for Christmas presents and birthdays (if they want that.). Practical things like winter jackets and leggings and T-shirts. For her, give her gift cards to Target for birthdays. Just decide your boundaries and keep them. Take the kids out for treats and fun.

This is what I would do, and possibly drop off a bag of kid-type food once in awhile.

Kids probably want things like iPhones and Uggs though

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

I’d offer to take the kids after school instead. She needs childcare and cannot function without it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have childcare?

Kids are school-age

They still need childcare. Kids get sick, they have school holidays and half days, they need aftercare, she still can’t get a normal job without those things.

Anonymous wrote:Does she have childcare?

This. It takes a really good job to afford your own place to live utilities expenses AND childcare. Most women cannot hence most women are married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

This is sound advice

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

For sure! But it is so hard when kids are involved. If she didn’t have kids, it would be much easier to tough love the situation. But her kids are my niece and nephew and totally innocent in all of this.

Buy them clothes for Christmas presents and birthdays (if they want that.). Practical things like winter jackets and leggings and T-shirts. For her, give her gift cards to Target for birthdays. Just decide your boundaries and keep them. Take the kids out for treats and fun.

This is what I would do, and possibly drop off a bag of kid-type food once in awhile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

What makes you think this is your problem to solve? Has she outright asked you for money?

Oh yeah. All of the time. I have given it to her in the past but she spends it on stupid stuff. Parents have done the same.

I am concerned about the kids. They do not have a stable home life but I am not sure how to help provide one.

So you’ve all been enabling this behavior.
“I’m happy to help as soon as you get a job. And I can pay Xxx bills directly.” Give no cash to her.

For sure! But it is so hard when kids are involved. If she didn’t have kids, it would be much easier to tough love the situation. But her kids are my niece and nephew and totally innocent in all of this.

Buy them clothes for Christmas presents and birthdays (if they want that.). Practical things like winter jackets and leggings and T-shirts. For her, give her gift cards to Target for birthdays. Just decide your boundaries and keep them. Take the kids out for treats and fun.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is in the process of getting divorced. She has kids. Neither she nor her soon to be ex ever made a ton of money, mostly because they never really worked regular jobs. Still do not. But together they were able to piece-together the basics for the kids. Now that she is getting divorced, she cannot do that. She also isn’t interested in getting a job. Which I find to be totally crazy. If she worked at a job, I would be 100% open to helping her and the kids. What would you do in this circumstance?

Who is subsidizing this lifestyle? Sounds a lot like a situation I know where the woman lives in a property owned by her mother and the mother paid for EVERYTHING, including private schools because God forbid the kids have to go to public. Then the mother died and the woman screamed at her brothers demanding the estate continue to furnish an all expense paid life. Tough when you retire at the age of 30.

While the divorce/no job isn't really how it played with SIL, she just couldn't believe her parents were not going to send her kids to private starting in PK. While both SIL and her DH were working (she had a P/T writing gig), she just thought her parents would pay as the parents were for the kids of many of her Manhattan friends. ILs live comfortably but not 25K (at that time)/annually and definitely not for four grandkids. DH assumed that she expected that her parents would only pay for her kids as we make more money.

That said, she finally grasped that her parents weren't going to rescue them in order that they could live the NYC lifestyle they believed they deserved. They moved and she has gotten so much more pleasant after that. And she has had a great career, so maybe that will happen to OP's sister.

I would help her with structural change (eg to move back in with your parents, clothes to interview in) but not with day-to-day expenses, which is just helping her kick the can on the necessary structural change.

I don’t blame her for resisting getting a job in this very moment. The changes she is facing are overwhelming. Of course it’s unrealistic for her to think it’s possible, but I do really get the reaction.

Anonymous wrote:So the consensus is that I am not a jerk if I do not give her money? Family and money is hard.

OP, as you said, the hard part is her kids. My sister is in a similar situation and my parents have spent many, many dollars on supporting her. They say it’s solely for my niece, but frankly, it’s virtually impossible to separate parent from minor children in cases like these.

You’re not a jerk if you don’t give her money, not at all. My DD once asked whether we would support my sister when my parents die and I told her no. I think you do need to keep an eye on your niece and nephew’s overall well-being, even if it comes to making a CPS report. Hopefully it won’t come to that. If they’re in school, that’s another set of eyes on them. FWIW, my sister did have a CPS caseworker assigned for several years before they closed the case and it seemed to help (e.g., forcing my sister to apply for Medicaid, providing my niece with money for camp).

Good luck and hang in there. This stuff is hard.

I would only give money gif things like kids’ fiend trips

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the consensus is that I am not a jerk if I do not give her money? Family and money is hard.

That is correct.

+1 I would send clothes for kids. That’s it.