Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 12:35     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.


I did the same, op, but I've never had people think I regretted the choice. Maybe it depends on the field youre in. I'm a teacher.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 12:32     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.


Ugh, no experience other than being a mom myself and seeing judgment no matter WHAT choices someone makes in this regard. I would just try to cut the conversation off and say something like, "Yes, it has been great being home and I'm also looking forward to the next life phase too. I feel really fortunate."

It really is all about jealousy and/or insecurity.


Also this. Moms can’t win. Don’t try and don’t think you are a specific victim here. People are really invested in making the “best” choices when it comes to their kids and family and some people can’t help letting it bled in to their conversations with others. I just had another mom tell me she "couldn't imagine leaving her baby at daycare" knowing full well that was the choice i had made and it was super hard to bit my tongue and not fire back some of tge choices she was making that i couldn't imagine but honestly it doesnt help anyone to add on to that kind of thinking.


It goes both ways. I returned to full time work after sah for 10 years. Just yesterday, my young colleague essentially lectured me on the benefits of daycare. I'm glad that she's found something that works for her, but there is no need to "mom-splain" to me, especially when five minutes earlier I told her that chose to stay at home with my kids during the early years. It shows a slight lack of EQ on her part, but I didn't counter her. I smiled through her explanation and moved on.


I’m the PP you are responding to and my point was that it goes both ways and lots of other ways. This woman has a nanny, which she thinks is “best”. I don’t care about that but I disagree with other choices. Not that it matters what I think so I nod and keep my mouth closed.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 12:03     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.


I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.


So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.


Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.


People who work are also able to plan spring break and summer. There are women with "big jobs" who are able to spend time with their children. I understand you were conveying your personal experience though.


Pp here. We did not always go away during breaks. For winter break, I put my kids in camp for a week and then grandparents visited for a week. I have memories of putting kids in Lego camps for various teacher work days. The year I stopped working, there was a huge blizzard and school was closed for two weeks. Many of my coworkers did not have kids or had stay at home wives so I felt I was constantly missing work due to sickness, doctor appointments, snow days, etc. I could have continued but I didn’t want to.

I know that on dcum everyone has these magical flexible high paying jobs that allows them to be home whenever or not miss school events and pick kids up from school or meet kids at the bus stop but that was not the case for my jobs, even ones that were supposedly flexible. I had meetings and calls all day. I couldn’t just go to some random school reading cafe at 10:30 in the morning. I used to hate all those school things because it would stress me out. Now I see those parents who seem annoyed and stressed about the same things and I know how they feel. I used to hate teacher work days and snow days. Now we all love them.


My job isn’t perfect but it is flexible. I make $250k at age 35, which is much less than I could have been making right now if I had continued on my original trajectory. But yes, I block off my calendar to participate in random events at my children’s school about 2x a month, and also block off time to leave the office for pickup 3-4x per week. And I can wfh if the kids are sick or on holiday, provided I don’t have a super important meeting where I want to be in-person. We have a FT nanny, but at least I can relieve her during breaks between meetings and also spend some extra time with the kids. I feel like every job needs to provide some of this flexibility or else it is a terrible job.


+1. I don't think it's that rare. I make just over $200K and work fully remote with a very flex schedule. Pre pandemic I only went in 2x a week usually.

DH makes significantly more and still makes it to all of our kids' games, etc.

It's not magic, and I'm sure there are people making a lot more with less flex as well, but it's not rare.


Jobs that pay that much are out of reach for the majority of Americans. Flexible jobs that make that much are out of reach for the vast majority of Americans.

But people do need to avoid assuming that people who work demanding jobs don’t see their kids and obviously they shouldn’t say that to somebody’s face. If somebody left a job because they wanted to spend more time with their kids and wants to share that information, they should be mindful of how it comes across.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 11:46     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.


Ugh, no experience other than being a mom myself and seeing judgment no matter WHAT choices someone makes in this regard. I would just try to cut the conversation off and say something like, "Yes, it has been great being home and I'm also looking forward to the next life phase too. I feel really fortunate."

It really is all about jealousy and/or insecurity.


Also this. Moms can’t win. Don’t try and don’t think you are a specific victim here. People are really invested in making the “best” choices when it comes to their kids and family and some people can’t help letting it bled in to their conversations with others. I just had another mom tell me she "couldn't imagine leaving her baby at daycare" knowing full well that was the choice i had made and it was super hard to bit my tongue and not fire back some of tge choices she was making that i couldn't imagine but honestly it doesnt help anyone to add on to that kind of thinking.


It goes both ways. I returned to full time work after sah for 10 years. Just yesterday, my young colleague essentially lectured me on the benefits of daycare. I'm glad that she's found something that works for her, but there is no need to "mom-splain" to me, especially when five minutes earlier I told her that chose to stay at home with my kids during the early years. It shows a slight lack of EQ on her part, but I didn't counter her. I smiled through her explanation and moved on.


It sounds like she was insulted by your “I chose to stay home with my kids during the early years” and was responding accordingly. You both are the worst, always assuming ill intent. THAT is why moms can’t win, not because people actually care about your family decisions.


How can you be insulted by a colleague's decision to stay home with her kids 15 years ago? That's just crazy.
And also, that's not what was happening. She was full on lecturing me about the benefits of daycare. Which is fine with me. I have zero problem with day care. But she CLEARLY has a problem with sahms.
No matter what choice you make, you are going to encounter people who tell you that your decision is wrong and some who think your decision is right.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 10:52     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.


Ugh, no experience other than being a mom myself and seeing judgment no matter WHAT choices someone makes in this regard. I would just try to cut the conversation off and say something like, "Yes, it has been great being home and I'm also looking forward to the next life phase too. I feel really fortunate."

It really is all about jealousy and/or insecurity.


Also this. Moms can’t win. Don’t try and don’t think you are a specific victim here. People are really invested in making the “best” choices when it comes to their kids and family and some people can’t help letting it bled in to their conversations with others. I just had another mom tell me she "couldn't imagine leaving her baby at daycare" knowing full well that was the choice i had made and it was super hard to bit my tongue and not fire back some of tge choices she was making that i couldn't imagine but honestly it doesnt help anyone to add on to that kind of thinking.


It goes both ways. I returned to full time work after sah for 10 years. Just yesterday, my young colleague essentially lectured me on the benefits of daycare. I'm glad that she's found something that works for her, but there is no need to "mom-splain" to me, especially when five minutes earlier I told her that chose to stay at home with my kids during the early years. It shows a slight lack of EQ on her part, but I didn't counter her. I smiled through her explanation and moved on.


It sounds like she was insulted by your “I chose to stay home with my kids during the early years” and was responding accordingly. You both are the worst, always assuming ill intent. THAT is why moms can’t win, not because people actually care about your family decisions.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 10:40     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.


Ugh, no experience other than being a mom myself and seeing judgment no matter WHAT choices someone makes in this regard. I would just try to cut the conversation off and say something like, "Yes, it has been great being home and I'm also looking forward to the next life phase too. I feel really fortunate."

It really is all about jealousy and/or insecurity.


Also this. Moms can’t win. Don’t try and don’t think you are a specific victim here. People are really invested in making the “best” choices when it comes to their kids and family and some people can’t help letting it bled in to their conversations with others. I just had another mom tell me she "couldn't imagine leaving her baby at daycare" knowing full well that was the choice i had made and it was super hard to bit my tongue and not fire back some of tge choices she was making that i couldn't imagine but honestly it doesnt help anyone to add on to that kind of thinking.


It goes both ways. I returned to full time work after sah for 10 years. Just yesterday, my young colleague essentially lectured me on the benefits of daycare. I'm glad that she's found something that works for her, but there is no need to "mom-splain" to me, especially when five minutes earlier I told her that chose to stay at home with my kids during the early years. It shows a slight lack of EQ on her part, but I didn't counter her. I smiled through her explanation and moved on.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 10:32     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
And maybe keep in mind that there are tons of moms out there who are staying at home with their kids thorough middle and high school because they “know their kids are better for it.”
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 10:30     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
It might be guilt. But it might also be that they can’t imagine making the choice you made. Is that impossible to understand? Many working moms can’t imagine not working. FOR TEN YEARS. And they do see you quitting and then coming back as an indication that you changed your mind and decided you want to work after all.

The fact that you think it can only be about their guilt says something about your values, not theirs. YOU think staying home is what’s best for the kids. They might not think that.

And that’s ok! You don’t have to make the same choice as them, and they don’t have to make the same choice as you. Their great thing about being a privileged woman is that you get to make these choices.

I’d say something like, “I really enjoyed those years at home with my kids, but I always knew I wanted to get back to law/teaching/architecture as soon as my youngest was in school.” Show that you value both.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 10:26     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Read the room. And I say that kindly. I went back to full time work after a 10 year maternity leave. I do not regret that choice and loved my time at home.

Some people are going to assume your skills are out of date Some people are going to be jealous that you had the option to stay home
Some people are totally going to understand cause they did the same thing
Some people are going to think you are an idiot for not prioritizing your career,

Most people are just looking for validation of their own choices. So, I try to listen more than I explain and try to be empathetic with whatever path people have chosen.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 09:58     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar place, OP, firmer SAHP who went back to work. Working moms frequently made these types of remarks to me. I think it’s guilt. I also have zero regrets about my time home.


This is exactly what it is. They don’t feel confident in themselves.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 09:56     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I left a demanding career to SAH almost ten years ago, and I’m now considering going back to work in a lower-pressure field related to my old career.

Although I’m excited about the possible change, I feel like I keep having casual conversations with others that suggest if I’m going back to work I must somehow regret having stayed home. Which isn’t true, at all. I treasure the years I had at home, but my kids are older now and I still have a long life ahead of me. How would you respond to someone who suggests I must regret the last ten years? Or worse, thinks that because I’m going back to work it’s suddenly ok to belittle SAHMs to me? Does anyone else have experience with this? It puts me in such an awkward situation.


Ugh, no experience other than being a mom myself and seeing judgment no matter WHAT choices someone makes in this regard. I would just try to cut the conversation off and say something like, "Yes, it has been great being home and I'm also looking forward to the next life phase too. I feel really fortunate."

It really is all about jealousy and/or insecurity.


Also this. Moms can’t win. Don’t try and don’t think you are a specific victim here. People are really invested in making the “best” choices when it comes to their kids and family and some people can’t help letting it bled in to their conversations with others. I just had another mom tell me she "couldn't imagine leaving her baby at daycare" knowing full well that was the choice i had made and it was super hard to bit my tongue and not fire back some of tge choices she was making that i couldn't imagine but honestly it doesnt help anyone to add on to that kind of thinking.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 09:48     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm with you, OP. Had a 60hr/week job, quit after having kids, got my youngest to K and am no re-entering the workforce with zero regrets. I loved my time with my kids and I know they are all the better for it.

I agree that most of those comments probably come from working moms who feel some kind of guilt about it. I really can't imagine any other category of people saying anything.


Um. People like you judging working parents is why moms feel guilt. Maybe don’t say things like “I know they are better for it”. What you did is not “better”, it was just better for you.


Yes for sure this. I’m a middling the road mom with a majorly mommy tracked job with reduced hours and I am 100 percent accepting of any experience any mom describes for herself. Loved staying home? Fantastic I am truly happy for you. Enjoyed pushing ahead in your career and feel that was the right choice for you? You go girl. Seriously. It just gets messy when people want to justify their experiences as better for the kids than some other hypothetical option - there are a million variables in how any family makes this work (your partner could have chosen to stay home, ahem) and there really is no way to know what is better or worse. So I personally really try to avoid that language.
Anonymous
Post 04/01/2023 07:56     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.


I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.


So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.


Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.


People who work are also able to plan spring break and summer. There are women with "big jobs" who are able to spend time with their children. I understand you were conveying your personal experience though.


Pp here. We did not always go away during breaks. For winter break, I put my kids in camp for a week and then grandparents visited for a week. I have memories of putting kids in Lego camps for various teacher work days. The year I stopped working, there was a huge blizzard and school was closed for two weeks. Many of my coworkers did not have kids or had stay at home wives so I felt I was constantly missing work due to sickness, doctor appointments, snow days, etc. I could have continued but I didn’t want to.

I know that on dcum everyone has these magical flexible high paying jobs that allows them to be home whenever or not miss school events and pick kids up from school or meet kids at the bus stop but that was not the case for my jobs, even ones that were supposedly flexible. I had meetings and calls all day. I couldn’t just go to some random school reading cafe at 10:30 in the morning. I used to hate all those school things because it would stress me out. Now I see those parents who seem annoyed and stressed about the same things and I know how they feel. I used to hate teacher work days and snow days. Now we all love them.


My job isn’t perfect but it is flexible. I make $250k at age 35, which is much less than I could have been making right now if I had continued on my original trajectory. But yes, I block off my calendar to participate in random events at my children’s school about 2x a month, and also block off time to leave the office for pickup 3-4x per week. And I can wfh if the kids are sick or on holiday, provided I don’t have a super important meeting where I want to be in-person. We have a FT nanny, but at least I can relieve her during breaks between meetings and also spend some extra time with the kids. I feel like every job needs to provide some of this flexibility or else it is a terrible job.


+1. I don't think it's that rare. I make just over $200K and work fully remote with a very flex schedule. Pre pandemic I only went in 2x a week usually.

DH makes significantly more and still makes it to all of our kids' games, etc.

It's not magic, and I'm sure there are people making a lot more with less flex as well, but it's not rare.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2023 23:04     Subject: Re:Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
NP. I was a SAHM who returned and I could maybe squint my way to taking offense at innocuous remarks the way OP seems to do but I’d have to really be looking for offense.
Anonymous
Post 03/31/2023 22:15     Subject: Going back to work after SAH with zero regrets
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone said that or are you assuming due to their reaction? I and so many of my friends stayed home for a while and went back to work when the kids are older. That's so normal. I guess you can say that was always your plan? Or, even if it wasn't always your plan, now you realize that's what you want to do at this point in your life.
And of course, stick up for SAHMs (and all the other moms! and dads!) out there. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who belittled someone else's choices, even if it wasn't my choice.


I’m a sahm and used to be a working mom. Everyone is different.

I admit I used to look down at SAHMs when I was NOT a mom. I did not understand. When I had a big career and barely saw my baby, that was miserable for me. I am infinitely happier spending time with my 3 children. I’m busy planning our spring break and summer, all things I could not be doing if I were working.


So OP if you at all said things like this, this is why you are now getting less than positive responses to your news you're going back to work.


Pp here. Did I say something offensive? I used to work long hours and barely saw my kid. Then I got a less demanding lateral job and had a second kid. Then I stayed home and had another kid.


People who work are also able to plan spring break and summer. There are women with "big jobs" who are able to spend time with their children. I understand you were conveying your personal experience though.


Pp here. We did not always go away during breaks. For winter break, I put my kids in camp for a week and then grandparents visited for a week. I have memories of putting kids in Lego camps for various teacher work days. The year I stopped working, there was a huge blizzard and school was closed for two weeks. Many of my coworkers did not have kids or had stay at home wives so I felt I was constantly missing work due to sickness, doctor appointments, snow days, etc. I could have continued but I didn’t want to.

I know that on dcum everyone has these magical flexible high paying jobs that allows them to be home whenever or not miss school events and pick kids up from school or meet kids at the bus stop but that was not the case for my jobs, even ones that were supposedly flexible. I had meetings and calls all day. I couldn’t just go to some random school reading cafe at 10:30 in the morning. I used to hate all those school things because it would stress me out. Now I see those parents who seem annoyed and stressed about the same things and I know how they feel. I used to hate teacher work days and snow days. Now we all love them.


My job isn’t perfect but it is flexible. I make $250k at age 35, which is much less than I could have been making right now if I had continued on my original trajectory. But yes, I block off my calendar to participate in random events at my children’s school about 2x a month, and also block off time to leave the office for pickup 3-4x per week. And I can wfh if the kids are sick or on holiday, provided I don’t have a super important meeting where I want to be in-person. We have a FT nanny, but at least I can relieve her during breaks between meetings and also spend some extra time with the kids. I feel like every job needs to provide some of this flexibility or else it is a terrible job.