Plenty of sexism in this thread — likely by the endless aggressive, demanding, unsympathetic DWs on DCUM. Yeah, you’re right, he doesn’t jump to attention and thoughtlessly execute every assigned task. Your list is not his list. Your priorities are not his priorities. That doesn’t make him lazy or wrong. Maybe you are in the wrong? Does he have any time to exercise, hang out with male friends, do nothing at all, etc.? Do you fill every moment with a need to talk, listen, or otherwise communicate about this or that? Do you have and endless high priority list of must do now tasks?

DH and I do not have the same "urgency meter" when it comes to household projects.

When we were engaged we negotiated routine household chores and wrote them into our bar napkin prenup (which we consider binding ). He cooks, I do laundry, he does taxes, I do all vet appointments, we each take care of our own cars and we both clean, etc. We added kid related things later.

For other things like planning vacations, home repairs, etc., I make a list of all of them (not his or mine, just a list) and then I put it in front of him so he can pick his. I pick mine and for any left over, we hire someone to do (usually repairs). Then I say, okay, you have 4 weeks to complete your list and anything undone at that point gets done by a contractor. Saving money for things he knows he can do is his motivation, not my nagging.

Works well for us.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have a shared app called ToDoist. We can assign each other tasks and get a notification when the other person checks them off.

I LOVE this idea. What kind of tasks do you assign each other?

Anonymous wrote:If he does the stuff then there will be another list of annoyingly not really important tasks to follow.

Right? And if you give him a blowjob, he’s just going to want another one a few days later. But if you quit doing it, then eventually he will stop asking.

You could decide that you just aren’t going to do anything you don’t want to do in your marriage, or you could decide to do what the other person wants (within reason) and try to make each other relatively happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, if my DH says he will do something I know he won’t and I put it on my own list. It does make me hate him, slowly. I hope we make it.

If I could go back in time or tell my younger self something it would definitely include to watch for this early in a relationship. Because it is not going to change or get better and it does make you hate or resent the person so much.

You might think that it's more important that your partner be a good person or share your values etc. (the big things), but the little things you have to live with day to day can destroy your relationship.

It's hard though. You dont have kids are first and in the beginning people are very eager about married life. It took till my second was born for my ex to start falling apart at work and marriage. 20 years later he had depression and started doing all sorts of crazy things and then was eventually fired but when I met him he portrayed himself as traditional and hard working and worked and did chores and was social. Found out later the dad did the same thing but they secretly covered this up telling me he had just retired early.

It’s about control and self-determination. And, yes, it’s annoying as hell.

If he does the stuff then there will be another list of annoyingly not really important tasks to follow.

Ugh OP, I feel your pain. DH is the same. When he says he will do something there is maybe a 25% chance he will do it. It drives me nuts.

I definitely respect him less b/c of this. Can't rely on him. I keep telling him, "If you don't want to do it just SAY SO!!!" Because when he says he will do something but doesn't, it puts me in an impossible position. Either I have to be a "nag," and he resents me for "nagging," or I do it myself– and he resents me for "making" him "look bad" when he was "going to get to it," any time now....

Makes me wonder what the point of being married is... he's not a partner. It's like having another child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds crazy, but I swear it works:

Before you ask him to do something, go somewhere out of eyeline of the kids and make sure he is looking at you. Then, take both of your hands, put one on each of your boobs, and lift them and squeeze them together to create a bunch of cleavage. At that point, you will have his complete attention, and you can ask him to do whatever it is that you want him to do and be sure it will get done.

I’ve been married for 15 years and have three kids and this still works.

Can…can I do chores?

Ha! Yeah. You wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal anymore, but somehow it still get his attention enough to do chores

That’s kind of cute. Men are such simple creatures 😁

Anonymous wrote:DH was fairly organized, on top of tasks, worked, etc but once we had kids it kind of all fell apart. Probably ADHD. He means well but life is much harder and his career is flailing. He does most of the driving for the kids now, so basically he’s the mom and I’m the breadwinner dad. No cleavage shows here.

Why not? Because he’s not the breadwinner? He’s still a man, pp. Ask him to make you some dinner and build you some shelves and show him the cleave

DH was fairly organized, on top of tasks, worked, etc but once we had kids it kind of all fell apart. Probably ADHD. He means well but life is much harder and his career is flailing. He does most of the driving for the kids now, so basically he’s the mom and I’m the breadwinner dad. No cleavage shows here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do men understand that this is why their wives aren’t interested in sex?
It’s not really choreplay. It’s just that being unreliable is a turn off, and the entire time your wife is doing stuff that you said you would do, she kind of hates you. Especially if she’s tired.

This. It's a lack of respect-- she loses respect for him because he's unreliable, lazy, selifhs, and irresponsible. So she does the chores he said he would do, thinking all the while about how she regrets marrying him. Then he wants sex.

You have literally just summed up 99% of all marriages.

WHY don't they get it?! DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO. So easy.

I'm not married, and I cannot tolerate this behavior from anyone--not boyfriends, not lovers, not friends, not family, not colleagues. I can't stand being let down and lied to.
Unsurprisingly, I have a lonely life. I don't care. I sure as shit am not going to spend my life with someone if I can't believe a word he says about anything.

My husband and I have a shared app called ToDoist. We can assign each other tasks and get a notification when the other person checks them off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds crazy, but I swear it works:

Before you ask him to do something, go somewhere out of eyeline of the kids and make sure he is looking at you. Then, take both of your hands, put one on each of your boobs, and lift them and squeeze them together to create a bunch of cleavage. At that point, you will have his complete attention, and you can ask him to do whatever it is that you want him to do and be sure it will get done.

I’ve been married for 15 years and have three kids and this still works.

Can…can I do chores?

Ha! Yeah. You wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal anymore, but somehow it still get his attention enough to do chores

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell him plainly, “I can be your lover, or I can be your Mommy. But Mommies don’t f*ck their little boys, so if I have to take care of you and clean up after you all the time you aren’t getting your d*ck sucked.”

I would never be so crass but essentially this is true, which is a big part of why we don't have sex. I do feel like he’s my large, annoying son.

If you said exactly this, maybe he would finally get it.