My husband was a war refugee. He supports his mother, who was the mastermind behind their complex escape from their war-torn country when he was a child, and who held the family together during their first, very difficult years of their refugee status in their host country.

DH and his brothers also send money back to their home country to support distant relatives who could not escape, including paying for the law school education of one his nieces there.

War has repercussions beyond the dates of actual conflict and percolates down the generations. It's humbling for me, a sheltered middle class person, to know how much my husband's family has suffered and persisted in the face of adversity. I entirely agree with my husband's support of some of his family members.

I'd feel weird about supporting someone older than myself.

Anonymous wrote:I will have to support my dad. Like PP said, it really has nothing to do with what I am picturing. I had pictured him saving properly for retirement but that ship has long since sailed.

How are his poor financial decisions your fault?

We did for about ten years, but my mom also provided childcare help. In retrospect, I'm not sure if I would have done anything different because she didn't have better options, but I don't think we really were able to afford it emotionally or financially. My dad has also started having some issues, and I dread the discussion because I know absolutely nothing about his finances and he has spent a lot on travel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:? I see myself supporting my parents with driving and advocating for their healthcare needs but not paying their bills or setting up an in-law apartment in my house.

I would do everything for my parents and ILs. Have done the driving, spending time, advocating for healthcare, paying bills, arranging for care etc. Always have a place in my house for them but they prefered to stay in their own house.

Don’t run yourself ragged in the process. Or expect anyone to do the same for you.

Kids should not be supporting parents. They should be building for the next generation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I support our aging mom. She and my dad tried to do "all the right things", including having jobs with pensions and a modest lifestyle. Unfortunately, the money they set aside has not been enough to keep up with the endless pit of their medical expenses.

My dad has passed and this summer we are moving our mom to an county-supported memory care facility where they basically promise to keep her until she dies in exchange for all of her money (and some of ours up front).

This sucks. Parents who worked full time all their lives should be set for life, even if it is not fancy. I know women who hardly worked a day (ie: maybe worked part time here and there, and barely paid attention to the kids, tv on 24/7) in their life who are living large just because their husband was a Captain or whatever. Such BS. Women who paid into the relationship should be the ones living large, IMO.

What do you mean by "paid into the relationship" - I'm confused by your post.

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I support our aging mom. She and my dad tried to do "all the right things", including having jobs with pensions and a modest lifestyle. Unfortunately, the money they set aside has not been enough to keep up with the endless pit of their medical expenses.

My dad has passed and this summer we are moving our mom to an county-supported memory care facility where they basically promise to keep her until she dies in exchange for all of her money (and some of ours up front).

This sucks. Parents who worked full time all their lives should be set for life, even if it is not fancy. I know women who hardly worked a day (ie: maybe worked part time here and there, and barely paid attention to the kids, tv on 24/7) in their life who are living large just because their husband was a Captain or whatever. Such BS. Women who paid into the relationship should be the ones living large, IMO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pay a lot of my mom’s bills. Her heating oil, cable, internet. I send her checks to help pay for special things like getting stairs fixed, a new furnace, etc. I send her checks to help with buying Christmas gifts and the like.
She lives on Social Security, and mostly manages on that, but I help as much as I can.

Sounds like she would be better off in a small rental that doesn’t require so much maintenance.

No, she wouldn’t. She loves her house, where she has lived for 53 years. She loves gardening, sitting on her porch, her neighbors, walking to the library. Having the family come for Christmas and fill up all the beds. She has no desire to move to an apt, and I am happy to help her stay in the home she. Loves.

Anonymous wrote:I plan to give my father anything he needs up until his 75th birthday and give my mother anything she needs up until her 80th birthday. If they're still alive after those ages, that should be good enough for them, as most men are dead by 75 and most women are dead by 80.

And if they are still kicking, do you have a new plan?

I plan to give my father anything he needs up until his 75th birthday and give my mother anything she needs up until her 80th birthday. If they're still alive after those ages, that should be good enough for them, as most men are dead by 75 and most women are dead by 80.

My birth family and DH's side of the family - all have wonderful examples of children taking care of their parents in old age. I will follow that. Though, we plan to be independent in our own old age because we make good amount of money and are fairly frugal.

I don't think most parents expect anything in return from their kids. They most likely just want their kids to pay it forward.

Anonymous wrote:? I see myself supporting my parents with driving and advocating for their healthcare needs but not paying their bills or setting up an in-law apartment in my house.

I would do everything for my parents and ILs. Have done the driving, spending time, advocating for healthcare, paying bills, arranging for care etc. Always have a place in my house for them but they prefered to stay in their own house.

My parents and ILs have never needed financial help because they have always been well off. BUT, we love to pay for them when they visit us and we want to do more for them. We love them and we have been blessed that they are our parents. Our biggest regret is that they do not live with us but with our siblings. We have gone to help them to look after them when they have been sick.

We just plan to pay it forward with siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and other relatives.