Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child with 2 kids. If I had to pick, I’d say my mom’s favorite is her grandson (my oldest). He was an easy baby, and she had more energy with him. DD is a complete sweetheart now at 8, but she was a fussy baby and didn’t want anyone near her except for me so it took longer for her to bond with grandma. I don’t think either of my kids would think grandma had a favorite though.

Favoring the eldest is completely unfair to the rest of the grandchildren. Such BS excuses.

I'm not sure it applies here, but I don't think you can blame parents for changes in energy as people age.

My oldest and youngest niece are 23 years apart in age. The oldest has lots of memories of a grandmother the youngest 4 children will never meet. On the other hand, when she was little her grandfather was working long hours, caring for his own aging parents, and parenting two kids still at home. He adored her, and spent time with her, but it was a few hours a week. Now, he's retired and watches his daughter's toddler 40 hours a week.

That's not favoritism. It's life.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child with 2 kids. If I had to pick, I’d say my mom’s favorite is her grandson (my oldest). He was an easy baby, and she had more energy with him. DD is a complete sweetheart now at 8, but she was a fussy baby and didn’t want anyone near her except for me so it took longer for her to bond with grandma. I don’t think either of my kids would think grandma had a favorite though.

Favoring the eldest is completely unfair to the rest of the grandchildren. Such BS excuses.

I’m an only child with 2 kids. If I had to pick, I’d say my mom’s favorite is her grandson (my oldest). He was an easy baby, and she had more energy with him. DD is a complete sweetheart now at 8, but she was a fussy baby and didn’t want anyone near her except for me so it took longer for her to bond with grandma. I don’t think either of my kids would think grandma had a favorite though.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my parents nor ILs have favorites, at least not outwardly. My grandfather definitely did (me) but to be fair, he was my favorite grandparent. I think it had to do with the fact that he was the oldest grandparent so he was the only one who was retired when I was a kid and was around a lot. My grandparents lived in our neighborhood and my mom was a SAHM so we were at home all day until I was 4/5.

I'm the PP whose SIL is convinced my kid is favored.

Some of it is this. We have lived very close to FIL's my kids' entire lives. In contrast, all their cousins live further away, and have at times lived plane rides away. And while all the kids love their Grandpa, my youngest adores him on a whole different level. So, if my FIL is cooking, or working in the yard, or doing the laundry or whatever, my kid is right there asking "Can I help? Can I help?" while the other cousins, including my other kid, have drifted off to play in the backyard, or read a book, or play video games or whatever. And over time, this has meant that my Grandpa obsessed kid learned FIL's activities and now they are kid's activities too. My SIL sees that as "they always pick things he likes", but it's not that my kid loves laundry. He loves doing laundry with his Grandpa.

The flip side of this was that until my SIL moved closer, her kids were treated like guests. So, they'd come visit and FIL would have stocked the kitchen with their favorite foods, and bought them some toys, and bought tickets to a puppet show. Whereas, my kids would go over after school and it would be "eat your vegetables", "remember to clear your plate", "lets' start your homework". My kids complained a few times that that felt like favoritism, but I just explained that he was excited to see the kids he saw less often, and they understood. It's just a different relationship. Now that they live close he goes to her house a few times a week to babysit, so that dynamic is changing.

My cousin has 4 kids from 2 marriages. His stepmother favors the older two (from first marriage) because she gets along with the ex-SIL and she used to babysit them often. The second wife didn’t care or maybe couldn’t make the right impression and her kids don’t hang out with grandma much (not invited? Or maybe she doesn’t care for it? Idk)

My dad has 3 grandkids, all boys, and has lived far away from them almost all his life. We are planning for him to come to the US soon and then we will see. He will probably prefer my brother’s kids because they are into sports and speak the heritage language. Mine has a personality very similar to his but probably won’t be able to convey it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do have a favorite but only because he's older, an adult and his mother is not in the picture anymore. We give him everything he asks for.
The other grandkids don't know nor do their parents know.
But even if they did or do know I don't care.

Trust me, the other grandkids and their parents know. Same situation in our family. It is very obvious. Grandma feels sorry for the kid and tries to fill the cracks with money.

+1

My 14 year old daughter is the only child and the favorite by my parents. Five grandchildren all together and my daughter just inherited a beach house. I am not ok with the end result.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think you favor a certain grandchild? Is it because they were first, or more like yourself, or more attractive, or is it a personality thing?

Everyone has favorites. The hard part is when the participants are blatantly treated unfairly due to the favorite one, but everyone is human, and clicking with someone is totally normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents claim they don’t, but they definitely do. They don’t show it in any way the kids know and they’re loving and devoted to all the grands, so I don’t think it’s a big deal.

For my mom, it’s the carbon-copy of one of her kids. I think it just takes her back!

For my dad, it’s actually somewhat random BUT it’s the child he held the most as an infant and she took to him immediately. Perhaps that’s why?

(One of these kids is mine, one isn’t, FWIW).

So, how do you know if the kids don't?

PP here. Oh good question! The way they talk about the kids to me on the phone.

I don't think my parents nor ILs have favorites, at least not outwardly. My grandfather definitely did (me) but to be fair, he was my favorite grandparent. I think it had to do with the fact that he was the oldest grandparent so he was the only one who was retired when I was a kid and was around a lot. My grandparents lived in our neighborhood and my mom was a SAHM so we were at home all day until I was 4/5.

On my side, they favor the boys. It’s an extra plus that they happen to be the oldest. It’s part cultural but they can do no wrong in the eyes of the grandparents and they are very open about that.

Anonymous wrote:My parents claim they don’t, but they definitely do. They don’t show it in any way the kids know and they’re loving and devoted to all the grands, so I don’t think it’s a big deal.

For my mom, it’s the carbon-copy of one of her kids. I think it just takes her back!

For my dad, it’s actually somewhat random BUT it’s the child he held the most as an infant and she took to him immediately. Perhaps that’s why?

(One of these kids is mine, one isn’t, FWIW).

So, how do you know if the kids don't?

My parents claim they don’t, but they definitely do. They don’t show it in any way the kids know and they’re loving and devoted to all the grands, so I don’t think it’s a big deal.

For my mom, it’s the carbon-copy of one of her kids. I think it just takes her back!

For my dad, it’s actually somewhat random BUT it’s the child he held the most as an infant and she took to him immediately. Perhaps that’s why?

(One of these kids is mine, one isn’t, FWIW).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is convinced that one of my kids is the favorite, and tells her children so regularly, even about things that, from where I sit, don't seem like favoritism.

It's not always clear cut.

It's only not clear to the one with the favorite.

+1. The favorite in our family would say the same even though it's 100% obvious to every one else that there's favoritism. It sad to me.. parents are creating a divide between siblings that doesn't need to be there. They're open about their favoritism... once we had kids it really tanked what was a good relationship.

DH has two other siblings besides this SIL. I've asked them both, because she is so insistent that there's favoritism, and they both say they don't see it.

He's not giving unequal time, or unequal gifts.

Well duh, they're not going to tell you because your the favorite family. And you're an IL. They just don't want to piss you off. I guarantee it's noticeable. Have you asked the other SILs?

DH has two sisters, and I asked the other one.

I've also asked the SIL who claims it, and she isn't able to give examples that make sense to me.

I can only hope that one day I have a favorite grandchild.
It would imply not only that I have a grandkid, but that I have more than one!

I will address the morality of having favorites when I get there.