Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

OP here. I get it. It won't be easy. But, no one ever said parenting would be easy, and as parents, you have to sacrifice what you want for what's best for the child. If the child is suffering in the current state, DH would do anything to assist. Again, this does not mean take child from mom or put down mom, but work together more efficiently to help the child. Mom just doesn't want to do anything (says all of the right things but doesn't execute).

It sounds like the mom has ADHD and more kids than she can handle, and is in an abusive marriage. I'm sorry that makes your DH sad. That must be really hard for your DH. Do you have a plan other than wishing the mom would change?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

OP here. I try to leave details out to not make us identifiable, but I do believe I mentioned upthread that I have been in DD's life for over 10 years. I am not a new wife. I've been her stepmom for more of her life than not. She doesn't remember a life before this arrangement. I also have a child close to DD's age, so she's not a teen in a home full of baby siblings. In fact, her siblings at her moms house are in the same age bracket as her younger siblings here (not including my older child). I, personally, do not have any challenges with DD. She has told her dad, her mom, etc., that we get along fine. We don't have any bumps or issues. She knows she is no different than any other child in our home. They are 100% equal. I can guarantee she has no issue with that. I am not the problem.

I know the responsibilities, etc. that we give her are age appropriate because I have a child of that age! Of course we make adaptations due to her inattentiveness, so we're not expecting her to do things the way another child might do it. We're talking things like knowing how to walk the dog (with a sibling), not lying and sneaking phones to play inappropriate games and watch inappropriate content on TikTok, things of that nature.

It is my belief that DD (and obviously her mom) prefer to keep the arrangement as is, and whatever the reasons are, it is what it is. It still sucks not only for the parent who gets no time, but also because the parent who does have her is overwhelmed and can't handle it, so the child suffers in many areas (has no friends, not doing well in school, spends more time at her aunt's house because mom can't handle her, not participating in any extracurriculars, etc.)

Ok but why do you think 50/50 would fix that? Would she have friends? Would she do her homework every other week, extracurriculars every other week?

It's easy to not have challenges when you're only an every-other-weekend arrangement. Do you really, truly feel like you have time to parent this child 50/50 in addition to your other responsibilities?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

OP here. I get it. It won't be easy. But, no one ever said parenting would be easy, and as parents, you have to sacrifice what you want for what's best for the child. If the child is suffering in the current state, DH would do anything to assist. Again, this does not mean take child from mom or put down mom, but work together more efficiently to help the child. Mom just doesn't want to do anything (says all of the right things but doesn't execute).

It sounds like the mom has ADHD and more kids than she can handle, and is in an abusive marriage. I'm sorry that makes your DH sad. That must be really hard for your DH. Do you have a plan other than wishing the mom would change?

OP here. Nope, you really make a good point. I was so focused on that one event that I didn't consider everything that could be going on in the background to lead to certain things. I guess this post is null and void now. There's nothing DH can do about bio mom's life, besides truly wish her the absolute best and just keep offering to be of help for DD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

OP here. I get it. It won't be easy. But, no one ever said parenting would be easy, and as parents, you have to sacrifice what you want for what's best for the child. If the child is suffering in the current state, DH would do anything to assist. Again, this does not mean take child from mom or put down mom, but work together more efficiently to help the child. Mom just doesn't want to do anything (says all of the right things but doesn't execute).

It sounds like the mom has ADHD and more kids than she can handle, and is in an abusive marriage. I'm sorry that makes your DH sad. That must be really hard for your DH. Do you have a plan other than wishing the mom would change?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

Clearly, she does want a teenager in her daily life or she wouldn't be posting here. Why would you discourage them from being active in this child's life? If they started their relationship two years after the separation/child's birth where is the issue? He is allowed to move on. He shouldn't stay single/any more kids in order to please his ex who will never work with him or be decent to him in any way. This is probably about money/child support.

Because the OP seems so focused on her DH's disappointment and on getting her DH what he wants. She doesn't seem to have thought through what the experience is like for the SD, or the logistics of weekday custody. Yes, he's allowed to move on, but the SD isn't an object to be fought over or passed back and forth. And the SD has the right to her own feelings and preferences, especially as she grows older. And the other children in the home have a right to their parents thinking through how adding another child will impact them.

If the OP has a child of similar age, it seems like the DH is quite the prodigy of early-twenties fertility, no? Or does that child have a different dad?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

OP here. I get it. It won't be easy. But, no one ever said parenting would be easy, and as parents, you have to sacrifice what you want for what's best for the child. If the child is suffering in the current state, DH would do anything to assist. Again, this does not mean take child from mom or put down mom, but work together more efficiently to help the child. Mom just doesn't want to do anything (says all of the right things but doesn't execute).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

OP here. I try to leave details out to not make us identifiable, but I do believe I mentioned upthread that I have been in DD's life for over 10 years. I am not a new wife. I've been her stepmom for more of her life than not. She doesn't remember a life before this arrangement. I also have a child close to DD's age, so she's not a teen in a home full of baby siblings. In fact, her siblings at her moms house are in the same age bracket as her younger siblings here (not including my older child). I, personally, do not have any challenges with DD. She has told her dad, her mom, etc., that we get along fine. We don't have any bumps or issues. She knows she is no different than any other child in our home. They are 100% equal. I can guarantee she has no issue with that. I am not the problem.

I know the responsibilities, etc. that we give her are age appropriate because I have a child of that age! Of course we make adaptations due to her inattentiveness, so we're not expecting her to do things the way another child might do it. We're talking things like knowing how to walk the dog (with a sibling), not lying and sneaking phones to play inappropriate games and watch inappropriate content on TikTok, things of that nature.

It is my belief that DD (and obviously her mom) prefer to keep the arrangement as is, and whatever the reasons are, it is what it is. It still sucks not only for the parent who gets no time, but also because the parent who does have her is overwhelmed and can't handle it, so the child suffers in many areas (has no friends, not doing well in school, spends more time at her aunt's house because mom can't handle her, not participating in any extracurriculars, etc.)

Ok but why do you think 50/50 would fix that? Would she have friends? Would she do her homework every other week, extracurriculars every other week?

It's easy to not have challenges when you're only an every-other-weekend arrangement. Do you really, truly feel like you have time to parent this child 50/50 in addition to your other responsibilities?

I never said 50/50...not sure how that topic came up. Of course DH wants more time with DD but what's most important is a better relationship with bio mom. If they could really communicate and be on the same page for parenting goals, things would improve. Example...if they both decided that it'll be important for DD to learn to work with others...maybe they sign her up for soccer. They both commit to making sure she attends practices, games, etc. If bio mom can't do it, instead of just canceling, ask dad to take her. The hope would be to make some friends as well. As she makes more friends, mom commits to some play dates/activities with friends, dad commits to some as well. Work together. Naturally, as he's more involved, that leads to more time, but I don't think it necessarily needs to be written out as a 50/50 arrangement. I'm sure he'd love that, but it doesn't really fix the overarching issues.

It sounds like you are fantasizing that the mom gets her act together and stops having ADHD, and that seems very unlikely.

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

OP here. I try to leave details out to not make us identifiable, but I do believe I mentioned upthread that I have been in DD's life for over 10 years. I am not a new wife. I've been her stepmom for more of her life than not. She doesn't remember a life before this arrangement. I also have a child close to DD's age, so she's not a teen in a home full of baby siblings. In fact, her siblings at her moms house are in the same age bracket as her younger siblings here (not including my older child). I, personally, do not have any challenges with DD. She has told her dad, her mom, etc., that we get along fine. We don't have any bumps or issues. She knows she is no different than any other child in our home. They are 100% equal. I can guarantee she has no issue with that. I am not the problem.

I know the responsibilities, etc. that we give her are age appropriate because I have a child of that age! Of course we make adaptations due to her inattentiveness, so we're not expecting her to do things the way another child might do it. We're talking things like knowing how to walk the dog (with a sibling), not lying and sneaking phones to play inappropriate games and watch inappropriate content on TikTok, things of that nature.

It is my belief that DD (and obviously her mom) prefer to keep the arrangement as is, and whatever the reasons are, it is what it is. It still sucks not only for the parent who gets no time, but also because the parent who does have her is overwhelmed and can't handle it, so the child suffers in many areas (has no friends, not doing well in school, spends more time at her aunt's house because mom can't handle her, not participating in any extracurriculars, etc.)

Ok but why do you think 50/50 would fix that? Would she have friends? Would she do her homework every other week, extracurriculars every other week?

It's easy to not have challenges when you're only an every-other-weekend arrangement. Do you really, truly feel like you have time to parent this child 50/50 in addition to your other responsibilities?

I never said 50/50...not sure how that topic came up. Of course DH wants more time with DD but what's most important is a better relationship with bio mom. If they could really communicate and be on the same page for parenting goals, things would improve. Example...if they both decided that it'll be important for DD to learn to work with others...maybe they sign her up for soccer. They both commit to making sure she attends practices, games, etc. If bio mom can't do it, instead of just canceling, ask dad to take her. The hope would be to make some friends as well. As she makes more friends, mom commits to some play dates/activities with friends, dad commits to some as well. Work together. Naturally, as he's more involved, that leads to more time, but I don't think it necessarily needs to be written out as a 50/50 arrangement. I'm sure he'd love that, but it doesn't really fix the overarching issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

OP here. I try to leave details out to not make us identifiable, but I do believe I mentioned upthread that I have been in DD's life for over 10 years. I am not a new wife. I've been her stepmom for more of her life than not. She doesn't remember a life before this arrangement. I also have a child close to DD's age, so she's not a teen in a home full of baby siblings. In fact, her siblings at her moms house are in the same age bracket as her younger siblings here (not including my older child). I, personally, do not have any challenges with DD. She has told her dad, her mom, etc., that we get along fine. We don't have any bumps or issues. She knows she is no different than any other child in our home. They are 100% equal. I can guarantee she has no issue with that. I am not the problem.

I know the responsibilities, etc. that we give her are age appropriate because I have a child of that age! Of course we make adaptations due to her inattentiveness, so we're not expecting her to do things the way another child might do it. We're talking things like knowing how to walk the dog (with a sibling), not lying and sneaking phones to play inappropriate games and watch inappropriate content on TikTok, things of that nature.

It is my belief that DD (and obviously her mom) prefer to keep the arrangement as is, and whatever the reasons are, it is what it is. It still sucks not only for the parent who gets no time, but also because the parent who does have her is overwhelmed and can't handle it, so the child suffers in many areas (has no friends, not doing well in school, spends more time at her aunt's house because mom can't handle her, not participating in any extracurriculars, etc.)

Ok but why do you think 50/50 would fix that? Would she have friends? Would she do her homework every other week, extracurriculars every other week?

It's easy to not have challenges when you're only an every-other-weekend arrangement. Do you really, truly feel like you have time to parent this child 50/50 in addition to your other responsibilities?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

Clearly, she does want a teenager in her daily life or she wouldn't be posting here. Why would you discourage them from being active in this child's life? If they started their relationship two years after the separation/child's birth where is the issue? He is allowed to move on. He shouldn't stay single/any more kids in order to please his ex who will never work with him or be decent to him in any way. This is probably about money/child support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

Clearly, she does want a teenager in her daily life or she wouldn't be posting here. Why would you discourage them from being active in this child's life? If they started their relationship two years after the separation/child's birth where is the issue? He is allowed to move on. He shouldn't stay single/any more kids in order to please his ex who will never work with him or be decent to him in any way. This is probably about money/child support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

OP here. I try to leave details out to not make us identifiable, but I do believe I mentioned upthread that I have been in DD's life for over 10 years. I am not a new wife. I've been her stepmom for more of her life than not. She doesn't remember a life before this arrangement. I also have a child close to DD's age, so she's not a teen in a home full of baby siblings. In fact, her siblings at her moms house are in the same age bracket as her younger siblings here (not including my older child). I, personally, do not have any challenges with DD. She has told her dad, her mom, etc., that we get along fine. We don't have any bumps or issues. She knows she is no different than any other child in our home. They are 100% equal. I can guarantee she has no issue with that. I am not the problem.

I know the responsibilities, etc. that we give her are age appropriate because I have a child of that age! Of course we make adaptations due to her inattentiveness, so we're not expecting her to do things the way another child might do it. We're talking things like knowing how to walk the dog (with a sibling), not lying and sneaking phones to play inappropriate games and watch inappropriate content on TikTok, things of that nature.

It is my belief that DD (and obviously her mom) prefer to keep the arrangement as is, and whatever the reasons are, it is what it is. It still sucks not only for the parent who gets no time, but also because the parent who does have her is overwhelmed and can't handle it, so the child suffers in many areas (has no friends, not doing well in school, spends more time at her aunt's house because mom can't handle her, not participating in any extracurriculars, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!