Anonymous
03/02/2023 19:33
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Ours got phones young but I have the capabilities to make them "dumb" phones. I can even control their contacts from my phone if I wanted. When they hit the age of wanting phones/social media, I made it a full time job to learn how to get 10 steps ahead.
Social media isn't allowed until 2nd semester senior year. My oldest made a few dumb choices like most kids at 14 when we tried allowing it. He got a few chances to self correct and couldn't. The rule was made. My second is now a senior and my oldest has thanked me and encouraged me to stay the course with his siblings. He has a spotless online presence and healthy phone relationship unlike the majority of his college peers.
This works really well for us and I have zero regrets. My middle doesn't need much monitoring and only got Snapchat when he was able (two months ago). He wanted it for group communication with his buddies. But fortunately his friends were great at keeping him included in group texts. My oldest discovered not having social media was a great way to figure out who real friends were. The ones that spam or streak only for status aren't real friends. His true friends would text him. So much healthier!
Social media isn't allowed until 2nd semester senior year. My oldest made a few dumb choices like most kids at 14 when we tried allowing it. He got a few chances to self correct and couldn't. The rule was made. My second is now a senior and my oldest has thanked me and encouraged me to stay the course with his siblings. He has a spotless online presence and healthy phone relationship unlike the majority of his college peers.
This works really well for us and I have zero regrets. My middle doesn't need much monitoring and only got Snapchat when he was able (two months ago). He wanted it for group communication with his buddies. But fortunately his friends were great at keeping him included in group texts. My oldest discovered not having social media was a great way to figure out who real friends were. The ones that spam or streak only for status aren't real friends. His true friends would text him. So much healthier!
Anonymous
03/02/2023 19:20
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We didn't. We taught them to use it correctly, somewhat monitor their activities, and taught them healthy limits.
We learned from my sister's and BIL's mistakes with their oldest (twins). They allowed no smartphones (flip, dumb phones only) and no social media. No computers or tablets were allowed in their rooms. Electronics got locked up at night. Video game systems were for weekends only and very limited. They were also locked up between uses.
Both basically flunked out of college. Twin 1 was put on academic probation and then after failing to maintain a C average the second semester, asked to complete 2 semesters at a junior or community college with a C average to be allowed to continue at the university. He ended up failing at community college as well. Twin 2 did so poorly in his first fall semester that the college advised him against continuing there in Spring because even if he was a rockstar his 2nd semester, it'd be a miracle for him to get a C average. Both flunked out because they had unlimited access to their computers, tablets, phones, and video games. They were unable to regulate themselves.
Twin 2 did finally graduate college this past May. He took 3 years off and then did 2 years at a community college before being accepted to GMU. Twin 1 has zero desire to do college. He works a minimum wage job and spends the rest of his time gaming.
Interesting. I'm the parent of college students (and a high schooler), and the ones I know who are struggling as young adults due to social media/phone/gaming addictions or heavy use are the ones who have always had unlimited access, phones in rooms overnight, etc.
I would think that too, but I can see it both ways. It's probably a 50/50 split.
Kids who are kept away from it entirely throughout high school could end up like the PP twin nephews, or they just continue to show no interest in it since they never got hooked as teens.
Or, as you point out, those who have always had unlimited access to tech and gotten by in high school, can't regulate themselves when the stakes and rigor in college are much higher. As always with kids, there's no one-size-fits-all answer.
I'm a professor and definitely see much more of the latter.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 17:46
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Watch the Social Dilemma with your child. It is eye opening. My DD was disgusted to learn how tech companies design social media not just to be addictive but to predict and control behavior. She believes that by not getting sucked in to social media regardless of what her friends are doing she is beating the game.
This is what we did. My teen had to watch this with me before handing over phone and we also discussed the social media series that the WSJ published. As with your DD, my DS really didn't like being able to be tracked and have behavior predicted. No social media on phone. I know that he'll watch videos with friends, but he's interacting with friends in person to do that. His school doesn't allow phones, which helps. It's probably easier because none of his friends are really on social media. They're very text heavy and the amount of memes they text each other is impressive.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 15:23
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We didn't. We taught them to use it correctly, somewhat monitor their activities, and taught them healthy limits.
We learned from my sister's and BIL's mistakes with their oldest (twins). They allowed no smartphones (flip, dumb phones only) and no social media. No computers or tablets were allowed in their rooms. Electronics got locked up at night. Video game systems were for weekends only and very limited. They were also locked up between uses.
Both basically flunked out of college. Twin 1 was put on academic probation and then after failing to maintain a C average the second semester, asked to complete 2 semesters at a junior or community college with a C average to be allowed to continue at the university. He ended up failing at community college as well. Twin 2 did so poorly in his first fall semester that the college advised him against continuing there in Spring because even if he was a rockstar his 2nd semester, it'd be a miracle for him to get a C average. Both flunked out because they had unlimited access to their computers, tablets, phones, and video games. They were unable to regulate themselves.
Twin 2 did finally graduate college this past May. He took 3 years off and then did 2 years at a community college before being accepted to GMU. Twin 1 has zero desire to do college. He works a minimum wage job and spends the rest of his time gaming.
Interesting. I'm the parent of college students (and a high schooler), and the ones I know who are struggling as young adults due to social media/phone/gaming addictions or heavy use are the ones who have always had unlimited access, phones in rooms overnight, etc.
I would think that too, but I can see it both ways. It's probably a 50/50 split.
Kids who are kept away from it entirely throughout high school could end up like the PP twin nephews, or they just continue to show no interest in it since they never got hooked as teens.
Or, as you point out, those who have always had unlimited access to tech and gotten by in high school, can't regulate themselves when the stakes and rigor in college are much higher. As always with kids, there's no one-size-fits-all answer.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 15:20
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:We didn't. We taught them to use it correctly, somewhat monitor their activities, and taught them healthy limits.
We learned from my sister's and BIL's mistakes with their oldest (twins). They allowed no smartphones (flip, dumb phones only) and no social media. No computers or tablets were allowed in their rooms. Electronics got locked up at night. Video game systems were for weekends only and very limited. They were also locked up between uses.
Both basically flunked out of college. Twin 1 was put on academic probation and then after failing to maintain a C average the second semester, asked to complete 2 semesters at a junior or community college with a C average to be allowed to continue at the university. He ended up failing at community college as well. Twin 2 did so poorly in his first fall semester that the college advised him against continuing there in Spring because even if he was a rockstar his 2nd semester, it'd be a miracle for him to get a C average. Both flunked out because they had unlimited access to their computers, tablets, phones, and video games. They were unable to regulate themselves.
Twin 2 did finally graduate college this past May. He took 3 years off and then did 2 years at a community college before being accepted to GMU. Twin 1 has zero desire to do college. He works a minimum wage job and spends the rest of his time gaming.
WOW. That's one hell of a cautionary tale!
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:42
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:We didn't. We taught them to use it correctly, somewhat monitor their activities, and taught them healthy limits.
We learned from my sister's and BIL's mistakes with their oldest (twins). They allowed no smartphones (flip, dumb phones only) and no social media. No computers or tablets were allowed in their rooms. Electronics got locked up at night. Video game systems were for weekends only and very limited. They were also locked up between uses.
Both basically flunked out of college. Twin 1 was put on academic probation and then after failing to maintain a C average the second semester, asked to complete 2 semesters at a junior or community college with a C average to be allowed to continue at the university. He ended up failing at community college as well. Twin 2 did so poorly in his first fall semester that the college advised him against continuing there in Spring because even if he was a rockstar his 2nd semester, it'd be a miracle for him to get a C average. Both flunked out because they had unlimited access to their computers, tablets, phones, and video games. They were unable to regulate themselves.
Twin 2 did finally graduate college this past May. He took 3 years off and then did 2 years at a community college before being accepted to GMU. Twin 1 has zero desire to do college. He works a minimum wage job and spends the rest of his time gaming.
Interesting. I'm the parent of college students (and a high schooler), and the ones I know who are struggling as young adults due to social media/phone/gaming addictions or heavy use are the ones who have always had unlimited access, phones in rooms overnight, etc.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:40
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:LOL you can not "convince" them of anything.
You can limit on your own as a parent.
Set timers
Limit hours
All devices in kitchen never in a bedroom
Disconect the device if they do dumb shit.
But we did this:
Anonymous wrote:When we bought my son his first phone, we set it up so any new apps have to be approved by us. We told him no social media and also deleted the internet browser. Somewhat surprisingly, he has not pushed back.
I never allowe social media.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:37
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I chuckle with each of the authoritarian posts above. You are fooling yourselves. Your kids know how to get around all of your rules and restrictions. Have the open conversations, discuss the risks and rewards of online engagement, and be there to talk through the challenges. Ultimately the goal is for resilient children who can assess their virtual and real environments to the best of their abilities - and that takes both clear guidelines and conversation. It also takes modeling healthy online management ourselves.
Perhaps, but I think it’s better to establish boundaries and a level of trust up front and ease up on restrictions as they get older and show that they’re responsible. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle once you’ve let them loose in the internet. It’s worked really well for us so far.
NP. Trying to establish standards for social media use may be worthwhile, but I would focus more on encouraging personal growth, behaviors, and coping skills that insulate kids from the toxic nature of social media. I am fortunate to have a teenage DD who does not get sucked into social media or in-person drama. This is in large part due to who she is as a person (innate qualities) rather than parenting. Still, I can point to factors that make her less likely to be influenced or hurt by social medial posts, including having a small circle of very close friends, a strong sense of who she is as a person, being comfortable in her own skin without much need for external validation, passion for several activities which give her life meaning and fill up her time, and experience with a disabling health condition that has required her to learn and utilize coping skills to accept unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions but not allow them to control her life (basically tools for managing distress). Ss I mentioned, some of this is luck of the draw, but the more confident a kid is, the less likely they are to fall under the harmful spell of social media.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:19
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:I chuckle with each of the authoritarian posts above. You are fooling yourselves. Your kids know how to get around all of your rules and restrictions. Have the open conversations, discuss the risks and rewards of online engagement, and be there to talk through the challenges. Ultimately the goal is for resilient children who can assess their virtual and real environments to the best of their abilities - and that takes both clear guidelines and conversation. It also takes modeling healthy online management ourselves.
Perhaps, but I think it’s better to establish boundaries and a level of trust up front and ease up on restrictions as they get older and show that they’re responsible. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle once you’ve let them loose in the internet. It’s worked really well for us so far.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:19
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
I haven't given them phones, to start with.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:17
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:once kids hit 15/16- can’t do much.
May as well kick them out of the house at that point if that's your attitude.
So is having an Instagram the hill you all are really dying on with a 16 yo? Seems silly and controlling for the sake of it. I’m more worried about grades, extracurriculars, good health, sobriety, safe sex, healthy relationships. A hard ban teaches them nothing at this age.
Safe sex for kids is a myth.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:09
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
We didn't. We taught them to use it correctly, somewhat monitor their activities, and taught them healthy limits.
We learned from my sister's and BIL's mistakes with their oldest (twins). They allowed no smartphones (flip, dumb phones only) and no social media. No computers or tablets were allowed in their rooms. Electronics got locked up at night. Video game systems were for weekends only and very limited. They were also locked up between uses.
Both basically flunked out of college. Twin 1 was put on academic probation and then after failing to maintain a C average the second semester, asked to complete 2 semesters at a junior or community college with a C average to be allowed to continue at the university. He ended up failing at community college as well. Twin 2 did so poorly in his first fall semester that the college advised him against continuing there in Spring because even if he was a rockstar his 2nd semester, it'd be a miracle for him to get a C average. Both flunked out because they had unlimited access to their computers, tablets, phones, and video games. They were unable to regulate themselves.
Twin 2 did finally graduate college this past May. He took 3 years off and then did 2 years at a community college before being accepted to GMU. Twin 1 has zero desire to do college. He works a minimum wage job and spends the rest of his time gaming.
We learned from my sister's and BIL's mistakes with their oldest (twins). They allowed no smartphones (flip, dumb phones only) and no social media. No computers or tablets were allowed in their rooms. Electronics got locked up at night. Video game systems were for weekends only and very limited. They were also locked up between uses.
Both basically flunked out of college. Twin 1 was put on academic probation and then after failing to maintain a C average the second semester, asked to complete 2 semesters at a junior or community college with a C average to be allowed to continue at the university. He ended up failing at community college as well. Twin 2 did so poorly in his first fall semester that the college advised him against continuing there in Spring because even if he was a rockstar his 2nd semester, it'd be a miracle for him to get a C average. Both flunked out because they had unlimited access to their computers, tablets, phones, and video games. They were unable to regulate themselves.
Twin 2 did finally graduate college this past May. He took 3 years off and then did 2 years at a community college before being accepted to GMU. Twin 1 has zero desire to do college. He works a minimum wage job and spends the rest of his time gaming.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 14:00
Subject: Re:So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:once kids hit 15/16- can’t do much.
May as well kick them out of the house at that point if that's your attitude.
So is having an Instagram the hill you all are really dying on with a 16 yo? Seems silly and controlling for the sake of it. I’m more worried about grades, extracurriculars, good health, sobriety, safe sex, healthy relationships. A hard ban teaches them nothing at this age.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 13:58
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Learn from my mistake BTW on the whole limiting screen time on apps. They work around that my logging on using the browser. So they can have a tik tok account and you’d have no idea. Teachers had to school me on this.
+1
Logging on with a browser is how I get on a few of my accounts as I don't want another app on my phone.
You add the websites to the ones blocked- so if they can't download the app and can't go to the webiste hopefully that deters a little. Nothing is full proof.
Anonymous
03/02/2023 13:57
Subject: So how did you influence your teen social media was harmful and to stay off it-
Anonymous wrote:I chuckle with each of the authoritarian posts above. You are fooling yourselves. Your kids know how to get around all of your rules and restrictions. Have the open conversations, discuss the risks and rewards of online engagement, and be there to talk through the challenges. Ultimately the goal is for resilient children who can assess their virtual and real environments to the best of their abilities - and that takes both clear guidelines and conversation. It also takes modeling healthy online management ourselves.
Why do you believe those things are mutually exclusive?