Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 16:54     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.


Hi Mom! We already know you don't care. Just don't be surprised when we aren't there for you as you age and die. We'll do our best from afar. What goes around comes around.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:46     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
OP, why would you even bring this up with your children? Were you expecting them to fawn over you and tell you how great of a parent you were?

I have to admit, reading your posts (immediately going into how tough of a childhood you had as a reason for your parenting) was eye-raising, and I'm sure your daughter felt trapped, having to give an answer. You really didn't need to "go there".
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:12     Subject: Re:Rating yourself as a parent
I would say the jury is still out. They are 23&25 and are (hopefully) late bloomers like their parents. They make progress each year, which is where the hope stems.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:08     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.


+1. don't trouble troubles until trouble troubles you
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:05     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not sure why or how you would put a grade on it. Life is complicated. There are years we are better to other people, and other years where we are worse. If you want something out of this exercise, I would tell your kids you have been thinking about your parenting and that you know you haven’t been perfect, and then ask your kids what they think you could do better in, or how you can make their lives and your relationship better going forward.


I agree with this.

Hear your daughter out. No defensive reflex, no excuse, just hear her out.

For me personally, if I got an acknowledgement from my parents of their shortcomings it would have helped so much in my healing.



99 out of 100 will fail that test


it would be hard, for sure.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:03     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not sure why or how you would put a grade on it. Life is complicated. There are years we are better to other people, and other years where we are worse. If you want something out of this exercise, I would tell your kids you have been thinking about your parenting and that you know you haven’t been perfect, and then ask your kids what they think you could do better in, or how you can make their lives and your relationship better going forward.


I agree with this.

Hear your daughter out. No defensive reflex, no excuse, just hear her out.

For me personally, if I got an acknowledgement from my parents of their shortcomings it would have helped so much in my healing.



99 out of 100 will fail that test
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:02     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not sure why or how you would put a grade on it. Life is complicated. There are years we are better to other people, and other years where we are worse. If you want something out of this exercise, I would tell your kids you have been thinking about your parenting and that you know you haven’t been perfect, and then ask your kids what they think you could do better in, or how you can make their lives and your relationship better going forward.


I agree with this.

Hear your daughter out. No defensive reflex, no excuse, just hear her out.

For me personally, if I got an acknowledgement from my parents of their shortcomings it would have helped so much in my healing.



yep agreed.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 15:00     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:Not sure why or how you would put a grade on it. Life is complicated. There are years we are better to other people, and other years where we are worse. If you want something out of this exercise, I would tell your kids you have been thinking about your parenting and that you know you haven’t been perfect, and then ask your kids what they think you could do better in, or how you can make their lives and your relationship better going forward.


I agree with this.

Hear your daughter out. No defensive reflex, no excuse, just hear her out.

For me personally, if I got an acknowledgement from my parents of their shortcomings it would have helped so much in my healing.

Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:53     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Not sure why or how you would put a grade on it. Life is complicated. There are years we are better to other people, and other years where we are worse. If you want something out of this exercise, I would tell your kids you have been thinking about your parenting and that you know you haven’t been perfect, and then ask your kids what they think you could do better in, or how you can make their lives and your relationship better going forward.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:35     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Before I had kids, I would have given my own parents a B.

After having kids, I would give them an A.

Perhaps my kids will say the same once they have their own.

I think most of us are doing our very best, and we stumble and fall very often. But we keep trying.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:15     Subject: Re:Rating yourself as a parent
Maybe something else is going on with her.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:14     Subject: Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would never ask my kids this question. WTH were you thinking? We have done our best. That is good enough for us. If it wasn’t enough, no apologies from us.


I disagree. If there's something that need to be resolved, I'd like to know about it. Makes for a closer relationship.


Some things can't be resolved. My parents hit me when I was a kid, and both had anger problems. My mom had untreated depression most of my childhood. Now I'm an adult, and I have to wear the scars from that. I could discuss it from them, but they would want forgiveness and then if/when they got it, they'd want to never talk about it again. Meanwhile, I will need to deal with the fallout from childhood trauma all my life. No amount of forgiving them or talking about it with them will change that I didn't have a safe or loving home as a child, which has impacted my psychology in ways that I have to work to address.

Only the parent who screwed up could believe that discussing it would lead to "resolution." If you had a screwed up childhood, there is no resolution, only acceptance and figuring out how to work with it. I will never fully resolve my childhood scars to the point where they have no impact at all on me.




I would've loved to get an apology from my parents, who were, at times, abusive and neglectful. While I'm damaged from that abuse and I will bear the scars for the rest of my life, I believe I can resolve my scars, both through therapy and through being an excellent parent to my kids. It makes me sad sometimes when I realize how easy it is to NOT yell, hit or neglect a child. You simply don't do that. Only love and nurture with patience and kindness.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:11     Subject: Re:Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:actually, I think apologizing can bring resolution to some people.


Maybe, if it is genuine. Very few people have the capacity to do that though. I think it's especially hard for a parent to apologize to a child for years of bad parenting, because parenting poorly is actually really difficult. It would take an enormous amount of self-reflection and a lack of ego, both things that people who were bad parents usually lack.

I guess it's a high risk, high reward approach. I personally don't want to discuss this with my parents because I know they'd want me to console them and make them feel better for what they did that was harmful and wrong, and I don't want that on me. I can't see them doing any of the heavy lifting in that conversation.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:09     Subject: Re:Rating yourself as a parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents definitely put me in situations which would earn them an F BUT I always knew they loved me unconditionally. I know many people who grew up in much more functional/good families than mine but they are damaged because their parents made them feel like they were not enough. It's complicated, which is why you should never ask for a letter grade.


OP here - I never did. One volunteered. I didn't expect them to answer in any way.


You brought up the subject and then told them what grade you gave yourself. If you really did not expect them to answer in any way, then why share that with them. You were literally talking about your performance as their parent. Of course they will have an opinion on it. Did you expect them to quietly listen to you talk about it and then change the subject? You are being passive aggressive, at best.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2023 14:08     Subject: Re:Rating yourself as a parent
actually, I think apologizing can bring resolution to some people.