Just break up with him op.

Smart

If he is all that OP described and financially sufficient, I would describe him as wise for not falling into the traps of social condtioning.

Trust fund baby
Peter Pan
Failure to launch

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. There might be a diagnosis somewhere in the mix, but not from what you’ve described, especially if he’s content with his life. I’d go with healthy, authentic, and self-actualized — in ways that most people chasing superficial external validations can only imagine.

ok. so the failure to work towards home ownership, retirement, and having at least a life partner isn't something shameful? not asking rhetorically.

Why on earth would any of those things be “shameful?” What kind of weird mental issue do *you* have?

Anonymous wrote:What you describe is a lot of married women. But society tells us to see them differently.

Nailed it.

Anonymous wrote:Lacking in ambition

History of trauma, damage or something organic that has affected brain

Mildly mentally challenged

Failing at Maslow's hierarchy

Really? What do you have to support any of that based on the OP’s post? Keeping in mind that ambition can be assessed in multiple ways.

Lacking in ambition

History of trauma, damage or something organic that has affected brain

Mildly mentally challenged

Failing at Maslow's hierarchy

A regular dude? Why does it matter to you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat similar (but a woman) and I think it’s anxiety coupled with a number of failures/disappointments in life.
For me it was child rearing, abusive marriage, divorce, immigration issues, then covid related layoff two years into my return to the workforce. My confidence is crushed and I really have no energy for the corporate bull

But he’s “carefree” and “very positive “ . There’s also nothing —that we know of — that suggests failures or disappointments. Why do you think this suggests anxiety?

DP

I know a nearly 50 year old woman who checks he op’s boxes. She has anxiety and ADD. She didn’t do well in school, but she’s extremely well-read. She bounces between living with her parents and stints with her own place. Has periodically had low-key jobs in service industry, but mostly doesn’t work at all. She’s now on ssdi for her underlying anxiety and another condition that isn’t visible to others (and most who have it actually work withoit issue). I wonder what will happen to her when her parents die and she blows through their money.

When she was in her 20s, I considered her a free spirit (backpacking in Europe, etc and living on islands, etc. bartending). Now I just think she’s checked out of life and personal responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat similar (but a woman) and I think it’s anxiety coupled with a number of failures/disappointments in life.
For me it was child rearing, abusive marriage, divorce, immigration issues, then covid related layoff two years into my return to the workforce. My confidence is crushed and I really have no energy for the corporate bull

But he’s “carefree” and “very positive “ . There’s also nothing —that we know of — that suggests failures or disappointments. Why do you think this suggests anxiety?

I am somewhat similar (but a woman) and I think it’s anxiety coupled with a number of failures/disappointments in life.
For me it was child rearing, abusive marriage, divorce, immigration issues, then covid related layoff two years into my return to the workforce. My confidence is crushed and I really have no energy for the corporate bull

Anonymous wrote:Let's say an adult male has never had a real job, as an employee, for 30-40 years, but finds odds and ends to earn a little money here and there, maybe earning under 20k per year in a low cost of living area with no family - no wife or kids, no live in girlfriend. They are very positive, dreamer type, conversationalist, enjoy traveling to visit friends, hobbies. Very carefree, zero responsibilities. What do you call this type of person? Is there a diagnosis?

He or she may have ADHD by the sounds of it.

They sound like a mixture between an innocuous Ne’re do well and a bon vivant …

Ne’er do well
an idle, worthless person; a person who is ineffectual, unsuccessful, or completely lacking in merit; good-for-nothing.

ne'er-do-well (plural ne'er-do-wells) A person without a means of support; an idle, worthless person; a loafer; a person who is ineffectual, unsuccessful, or completely lacking in merit; a good-for-nothing. quotations ▼ A person who is up to no good; a rogue.



The term bon vivant is typically associated with the kind of sociable person who's good at entertaining and can keep the party going with a good story. However, the term is sometimes used to suggest that such a person is overly indulgent. Sometimes, bon vivant is written with a hyphen, as bon-vivant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone like this, more or less. He spends a lot of time sucking money out of his widowed mother's bank account, credit cards, etc., totaled her car, spends a lot of money getting high, and he's about 50 years old. I think he was in the military for a few years in his early 20s but that's it job wise other than a few attempts here and there that lasted a month or two per job. When family can pry him out of his mother's life to help her he couch surfs at friend's houses until he can worm his way back into her life.

You’ve described quite a few negative things about the person you know — that have absolutely nothing at all in common with the OP’s description.

Despite what you have concluded the person I mentioned has everything in common with what the OP described. He is "very positive, dreamer type, conversationalist, enjoy traveling to visit friends, hobbies. Very carefree, zero responsibilities." He is all those things plus a total leech.

But nothing about the OP’s description suggests “a total leech”, or even someone irresponsible. No totaled cars, no getting high, and apparently self-sufficient as far as we know from the description. To me those seem like very different people, with little in common with each other. Just my view of the comparison though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. There might be a diagnosis somewhere in the mix, but not from what you’ve described, especially if he’s content with his life. I’d go with healthy, authentic, and self-actualized — in ways that most people chasing superficial external validations can only imagine.

ok. so the failure to work towards home ownership, retirement, and having at least a life partner isn't something shameful? not asking rhetorically.

Nope, at least not in my opinion. I’ll start by saying that the white, UMC, super competitive so called “American Dream” isn’t necessarily the healthiest way to live, and certainly not the only way to live. If he’s able to maintain stable living situations for himself, not owning a home is not a “failure “. Many people rent for all kinds of reasons — including some quite good ones. Not everyone has a life partner. Many women will outlive their husbands. Others maintain toxic relationships—primarily to avoid the supposed “shame” of being single. So, no shame there. There are risks, inconveniences and financial issues that might go along with his choices, but nothing shameful. I can’t comment on retirement issues without knowing more about his situation.

To add, could you tell me what aspects of this you might view as “shameful “? Is it because he’s male?
I can imagine a lot of ways that his decisions could be not just neutral but laudable— but would like to understand your perspective.

I guess I imagine what if he was my father or husband. But he is not. He has no dependents or spouse to care for.

Exactly. He’s chosen what seems to be a healthy and satisfying life for himself. While there are likely some less than ideal aspects to his choices, that’s true of many lifestyles.