No!! They seemingly evade all rules/expectations. It’s maddening!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

The worse ones, and the ones most likely to get away with it, are the ones who know where the lines of "plausible deniability" are. They are just mean or a$$hole enough to make people miserable but not so mean that they can say "I didn't mean it that way" or "I didn't ACTUALLY do XXX, they just thought i did." Those little jerk faces never seem to get caught and are enable by the system and their parents.

This is so true. The worst bullies are the ones who will just claim "it was a joke" or "they misunderstood" and have authority figures say "oh, okay then, they didn't mean it." But they did mean it, and now that they know they can just claim to be kidding or blame their victim, they'll do it again.

Anonymous wrote:My kid is dealing with a bully right now. We are doing everything we can, but they keep getting away with it.


Do you think at some point the chronic "mean kids" get what they deserve? Or are they living a consequence-free existence?

One of my biggest bullies in middle school wound up owning a bunch of night clubs around the world and marrying a Brazilian model. So, yeah, life's not fair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here--I don't want the bully to get hurt physically, that's not what I meant. But what if the bully is a girl who spreads rumors and lies about another girl (not my kids' situation), would at some point the bully's friends realize that this person could turn and do the same thing to them at any second, and choose to stop hanging out with her. Or, like a pp said, people confront her about it so she doesn't just get away Scot free. I don't want them to get bullied. I want them to have consequences for their bullying. I said it wrong in my original post.

I am still not understanding why you would care though. And ultimately I’d just wish all kids well and hope they have a nice life.

bullies are insecure or threatened in some way and so it’s best to just remember that and let go.

Op again. Has your kid been bullied? Not just some kid teasing them here and there, but actual bullying? I think then you would understand why it's harder to let go. But I will take your suggestion anyway and do my best to let go. But it is hard when someone is deliberately making your kid miserable

I'm with you OP. NP here.

Now I've got to feel sorry for the bullies and wish them well. Nope. Sorry PP that some of us are just not big enough people to do that. No, I don't wish a kid well who has made my child's life a living hell. I'm not going to go out of my way to get revenge, but I also don't wish the kid well unless there was some kind of apology and accountability. Yep, I'd enjoy hearing a kid like this saw some consequences in life. And yes, I can also intellectually process that some of them grew up in poor circumstances. But also lots of people grow up in those circumstances and don't behave that way.

NP here. I don’t expect you to feel sorry for the bully or empathize with them. But the OP’s desire for consequences for the bully is not good for her and her kid even though completely understandable. OP - make this about your kid. Who knows what makes the other kid tick. Work on the only thing you can control - yourself and helping your kid with their own reaction. For my kid, it wasn’t really bullying but excluding behavior that was sort of mean girl but also very normal. I did eventually start feeling a little bad for the bully. Somehow that must have communicated itself to my daughter because all of a sudden she stopped caring. I think in my mild case, my modeling a different behavior (however subconsciously) helped her too.

Nope look at adults. Still same bully.

You can thank restorative justice for the lack of repercussions in school.

Oh I totally feel you, OP. It would be nice to see them to get a taste of their own medicine and see how it feels (and that isn’t “wishing ill” on a kid, by the way). Allowing a kid to behave in that way is not good for his/her OWN long term development, aside from the negative effect on others. The sooner the behavior is squashed, the better.

I always wonder what on earth their parents are thinking - many seem quite aware that their kid can be “not so nice” but just blow it off as “kids will be kids” 🙄

That said, I think a lot of mean kids do indeed grow out of it eventually.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids are mean at school because life sucks for them at home.

So what. Some kids from horrible homes are not a-holes.

+1

No excuse. I was abused and didn’t hurt other kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here--I don't want the bully to get hurt physically, that's not what I meant. But what if the bully is a girl who spreads rumors and lies about another girl (not my kids' situation), would at some point the bully's friends realize that this person could turn and do the same thing to them at any second, and choose to stop hanging out with her. Or, like a pp said, people confront her about it so she doesn't just get away Scot free. I don't want them to get bullied. I want them to have consequences for their bullying. I said it wrong in my original post.

I am still not understanding why you would care though. And ultimately I’d just wish all kids well and hope they have a nice life.

bullies are insecure or threatened in some way and so it’s best to just remember that and let go.

Come on. Let's be honest here. Everyone who has ever been bullied or has had a child bullied has hoped that the bully would learn a lesson a change—whether that lesson is from their own parents, discipline from teachers or school admin, or other kids calling them out on their behavior. But there is a phrase, "Snitches get stitches" and that is the reason so many kids don't tell—they live in fear of the consequences.

There was a bully on my street who physically assaulted me and two other girls at the bus stop in jr. high (would do things like knock our books from our arms, smash our lunches, lift up our skirts, punch us in the breasts, and shove a stick into our crotches from behind (called it a "p***y detector"). He was always sneaking up and doing it so no one saw it (like just as I was on the lowest step to the bus and penned in with other kids, and suddenly my lunch would get yanked out of my arms and thrown and I'd have to scramble down and get it. The other girls would scatter out of fear, the other boys would laugh, and I missed the bus several times because I was afraid to stand at the bus stop with him (if enough other kids weren't there). I got in SO MUCH trouble for missing the bus, and yet I didn't tell my parents why. I was mortified about the "detector" thing and worried it would escalate (my dad would talk to his dad or go to the principal) and everyone would know how much he humiliated me.

I saw him at our 20-year reunion. He married the sweetest, goody-goody girl in our class and they have two daughters. I'd like to think he changed, for their sake.

Anonymous wrote:No. They don't. Just like adults.

IME in my life I have found it more effective use of my emotional energy to change the things I have control of. I don't have control of other people's karma.

This. I tell my kid that they are sending out negative energy and ultimately it will be returned to them. I tell her to focus on making the world a better place because we need more people with positive energy in the world.

The mean girl who teased my dd and tormented others got moved to a Catholic school this year. I hope the nuns will straighten her out!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know I need to focus on my kid, I do, and I know that hoping for "payback" is fruitless, but I'm mostly curious. Why do they keep getting away with it? Will they have repercussions?

Life is not fair, OP. There is no why.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here--I don't want the bully to get hurt physically, that's not what I meant. But what if the bully is a girl who spreads rumors and lies about another girl (not my kids' situation), would at some point the bully's friends realize that this person could turn and do the same thing to them at any second, and choose to stop hanging out with her. Or, like a pp said, people confront her about it so she doesn't just get away Scot free. I don't want them to get bullied. I want them to have consequences for their bullying. I said it wrong in my original post.

I am still not understanding why you would care though. And ultimately I’d just wish all kids well and hope they have a nice life.

bullies are insecure or threatened in some way and so it’s best to just remember that and let go.

Op again. Has your kid been bullied? Not just some kid teasing them here and there, but actual bullying? I think then you would understand why it's harder to let go. But I will take your suggestion anyway and do my best to let go. But it is hard when someone is deliberately making your kid miserable

I'm with you OP. NP here.

Now I've got to feel sorry for the bullies and wish them well. Nope. Sorry PP that some of us are just not big enough people to do that. No, I don't wish a kid well who has made my child's life a living hell. I'm not going to go out of my way to get revenge, but I also don't wish the kid well unless there was some kind of apology and accountability. Yep, I'd enjoy hearing a kid like this saw some consequences in life. And yes, I can also intellectually process that some of them grew up in poor circumstances. But also lots of people grow up in those circumstances and don't behave that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here--I don't want the bully to get hurt physically, that's not what I meant. But what if the bully is a girl who spreads rumors and lies about another girl (not my kids' situation), would at some point the bully's friends realize that this person could turn and do the same thing to them at any second, and choose to stop hanging out with her. Or, like a pp said, people confront her about it so she doesn't just get away Scot free. I don't want them to get bullied. I want them to have consequences for their bullying. I said it wrong in my original post.

I am still not understanding why you would care though. And ultimately I’d just wish all kids well and hope they have a nice life.

bullies are insecure or threatened in some way and so it’s best to just remember that and let go.

Op again. Has your kid been bullied? Not just some kid teasing them here and there, but actual bullying? I think then you would understand why it's harder to let go. But I will take your suggestion anyway and do my best to let go. But it is hard when someone is deliberately making your kid miserable

Anonymous wrote:Op here--I don't want the bully to get hurt physically, that's not what I meant. But what if the bully is a girl who spreads rumors and lies about another girl (not my kids' situation), would at some point the bully's friends realize that this person could turn and do the same thing to them at any second, and choose to stop hanging out with her. Or, like a pp said, people confront her about it so she doesn't just get away Scot free. I don't want them to get bullied. I want them to have consequences for their bullying. I said it wrong in my original post.

I am still not understanding why you would care though. And ultimately I’d just wish all kids well and hope they have a nice life.

bullies are insecure or threatened in some way and so it’s best to just remember that and let go.